Fatal Crush

By the time a man turns 30, he must have encountered a woman who taught him that love is sh*t. It is a woman he so much loved, would do anything for her, or did, but she simply never appreciated him enough. If women kiss frogs to get to their Prince, men kiss dragons to meet their Princess.

Such a woman takes the man for a fool. Everyone around the man and the woman knows this well, but the man is too infatuated to know that this woman is taking him for a big ride. What often escapes me is why the chick bothers giving the man audience, spend his money, yet she knows that she has nothing for the man. From what I have gathered, you can date such a woman for a whole year and you will be lucky to get laid with her. And I’m sure, there is a man who can get it with her in a matter of seconds.

This happens especially if the man is quiet and laid back (read naïve). And the woman or the girl is a sanguine and proactive. Their personalities are incompatible. But the man is so blinded by the crush. The man is often naïve that he will eventually marry her, they settle down, have babies and live happily ever after. It happens mostly in colleges. I have learnt rather late that it is women who express love, not men. Every time I have professed love, I have been rebuffed sarcastically.

It reminds me of the rumour that Avant and Nicole Scherzinger were dating. Nicole Scherzinger is your typical bitch. While her feline beauty is what every hetero man would like to devour, she looks dangerous. It takes a man with balls to take her on. Not Avant. Lewis Hamilton may be. Some women are too strong psychologically for men who are weak emotionally. Avant looks like a peasant who is talented. He sings R &B after all. He looks the type the wife can leave the toddler with as she catches her Remy Martini with her girls.

In our midst, there are many Avants after a Nicole Scherzingers. Women who are wittier, smarter, prettier than they can handle. The man might be bright academically, but socially awkward. They aim to touch the sky by going after a woman who will break their heart and leave a permanently sour taste in their heart.

We have seen it, or it has happened to us. You meet a lady, she is bright, fine and fun to be with but you are not exactly her type. She finds you too slow and all she wants is action. May be she is undergoing a phase, and she wants you around until she overcomes it. Pardon me to state the obvious: women can be heartless when it comes to dismissing a man they don’t fancy. More so if she is beautiful, and too fly, she will never walk alone in this world.

Such a relationship revolves around the man giving his all and the woman giving virtually nothing. The man is there for the lady but lady is not psychologically settled in the relationship. He treats the man as either an ATM machine, emotional security or just to show him around her peers. She even plays the man, but the man is so blind to anything. He is in love. Sometimes it is because the man is too old for the girl who is young and full of youthful idealism.

She will exploit the man in every possible way, but rarely will she ever sleep with him. If she does, it is a lackluster event where the man is so thankful that he was let to touch and the lady wondering when will she ever dispose the man. She holds the man back, because he is NICE.

NICE, I have learnt is the worst avenue to a heartbreak for men. If you want to be heartbroken, be nice to a woman. Most women are self-centred and nothing like a nice man to be a mirror to her ‘peacockery’. The man is basically friendzoned but occasionally can be let to touch the goods. The man wastes so much time, only to be left by the woman.

I think, we should always assess everything realistically from the word go to ensure that the woman is as much in love as you are. The current generation of women (those born after 1987) do not necessarily believe in love. They believe in fun and good time. They believe more in social media, instant no-strings attached sex. Incidentally, many men of their generation somehow believe in love.

The saddest, if ugliest sight, is the one of a man being taken for granted. Not that I approve of men who don’t appreciate women or men who treat women badly. I have sisters, cousins and aunts whom I often wish they never take a thug for a boyfriend. But when a woman is taking a man for a ride, it is a grotesque sight.

They can make a man to stay in a club till late at night even when he is a teetotaler and can’t dance. The man just wants her to have the fun. They can make a man carry flowers from City Market to Moi Avenue looking like a sheep dressed like a goat. They can make man withstand just about everything. Accompany her even to dark dungeons for her to shop for her weave.

But it is such an experience that will remind the man it is not a fair a world. It is such an experience that will remind the man that women are wild and taming them is not easy. We must envy how our fathers dealt with women, the beating and whipping part excepted, of course.

There are signs you can always look for. For instance if you do all the work to make relationship work, like initiating the calls, paying all the bills, beg her to come over, must accompany her to shopping sprees, makes you eat pizza or yogurt while walking around the road, must load her airtime, she prefers her social media audience than you, has never expressed any sexual desire in you and such, time to take a break. Leave her before she breaks your heart.

But in the event you lose her, don’t lose your calm. It happens. Move on, find someone you can love. This singular incident, however life changing, must not make you decide that all women are evil. Many are, but not all of them.

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Bachelorhood and Situationships

ERA OF SERIAL MONOGAMY:
The next 20 years are going to be different.

The Deal

People ain’t even dating anymore. Just talking, catching feelings,sleeping together, cheating and ending up in situationships
-A viral online quote with a Katt Williams photo. Might as well as be Katt Williams.

My friend Gregory sent me the following message this last Sunday morning.
(Verbatim)

“Sema matoothbrush na mapants kuachwa kwangu…Hadi nimezilable na kuficha ndio mtu akikuja next I don’t confuse.”
(So many toothbrushes and pants in the house, that I have to label them and hide them so that when one shows up, I don’t confuse them.”

Give it to Gregory. He is in that phase we can call early bachelorhood. Two years after we graduated from campus, life sent him to Isiolo for some well-paying NGO stuff. He released his clingy and nagging girlfriend three months ago and he is breathing again. The breakup, he was afraid would be messy. In deed she caused a scene, but not…

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Bachelorhood and Situationships

People ain’t even dating anymore. Just talking, catching feelings,sleeping together, cheating and ending up in situationships
-A viral online quote with a Katt Williams photo. Might as well as be Katt Williams.

My friend Gregory sent me the following message this last Sunday morning.
(Verbatim)

“Sema matoothbrush na mapants kuachwa kwangu…Hadi nimezilable na kuficha ndio mtu akikuja next I don’t confuse.”
(So many toothbrushes and pants in the house, that I have to label them and hide them so that when one shows up, I don’t confuse them.”

Give it to Gregory. He is in that phase we can call early bachelorhood. Two years after we graduated from campus, life sent him to Isiolo for some well-paying NGO stuff. He released his clingy and nagging girlfriend three months ago and he is breathing again. The breakup, he was afraid would be messy. In deed she caused a scene, but not so messy as anticipated. And she has moved on. I have always held that women are more capable to handle breakups than men in the present age. The reason partly being nine out of ten are always in another relationship, or they have enough men warming up on the sidelines.

Gregory who turns 28 in February has just finished furnishing his house and is what a a visiting mother-in-law will deem stable. Gregory, if you will, is a tall light skinned Jang’o. Back in campus, we all learnt much later that he was Jeng’ and for some inexplicable reason(could be his lighter skin, his cool demeanor when he is not drunk or excited) we were all disappointed. Not that we mind Jengs, but there is that frustration when one does not conform to the presumed socially constructed standards.

Chicks find him attractive or funny. He is. After releasing the girlfriend, he let loose his leash and every weekend he is calling me to tell this or that lady he met in a workshop, who is spending at his home. Gregory’s eligibility is about 7/10. You know the height, looks, good job, good bones and demonstrable intelligence. But he is not ready to settle down. He put 35 as the best age to settle down. An age I am increasingly getting persuaded will be the right age to walk down the marital prison.

Gregory’s present predicament is women leaving stuff in his house. It is one of the occupational hazards of being a sexually active lad. Women only know one way of marking their territory. Leave things everywhere. An earring on the bookshelf, hairband by the bedside window, her pant(s) in the clothing line or the bathroom or anything telling in the bathroom. It is normally well calculated.

My buddie Bon M, often conducts a forensic audit in his house every time he plays host to a woman. I once bumped into him dumping stuff in the old TV box on top of the wardrobe. He had taken her toothbrush, tops and pants wrapped them in her leso, and was dumping them in order to receive another date.

There is a mysticism that revolves the forgetfulness of women when leaving a man’s house. It is a pet peeve if you asked any man. We just learn to contend with it. If it is a wet pant, it would be understandable, but why, pray, do they get mad when they discover you have kept it well for them (by keeping it safe and well, I mean putting it inside an old mattress cover that is inside the house-moving basket beneath the bed or at the abandoned store). A visiting female friend has psychic power to know the presence of another woman in the house. I found it wasteful that countries are investing billions to go to Mars, and they have not invented a drug to address this forgetfulness.

It is hazardous, since it has denied a bachelor many a lay. Somehow, if a woman spotted another woman’s intimate stuff in the house, it kills her libido, desire and everything that turns her on. You will need the mediation skills of Koffi Anan to win her back again. Most men have ‘killed’ their girlfriends or ‘dumped’ them expediently to convince the other woman that there is not any other woman in their lives. It is funny. Because the next lay as if telepathically communicating to the next lay, will also do something incriminating.

I know of a friend who was woken up in the morning by the live-in girlfriend to be told,

“Swts, these are not my earrings, they are not the ones I left here.” Long story short, you don’t want to begin your Monday that way.

And these are the kind of relationships we have nowadays. Women have lowered their standards, so low that they don’t even have them anymore. I wonder why rapists even bother breaking the law, when they can just talk to a lady in a club in Nairobi or Kampala. In fact a man does not even need to buy a drink. Just walk to a club, see a group of girls, wait they get high, dance and ask her out. Rapists should be murdered for violating women, even when they no longer play hard to get.

Women no longer want a relationship that limits their freedom. They want to be. Unfortunately most men have not changed. In the long run, you have women who do not want to commit, they just want the fun, until they reach their sell-by-date(around 31) and then they become frantic with no standards at all. So much that even a 56-year old pensioners can take them down the aisle.

Men are in it for the fun. Women have joined. Relationships cannot flourish amidst all the distractions(Facebook, Twitter, job, school, friends-more so male, girls, name it.) And these things tend to affect women more than they affect men. I think this is the point where individuals decide subconsciously ‘let us just get laid as time goes by’. I think that is what you call SITUATIONSHIPS. Especially if there is a a pregnancy or a dramatic breakup.Anything.

And Nairobi will from now henceforth have numerous eligible bachelors with at least six women all ready to settle down, but not immediately. A bachelor will play all of them and end up marrying a nurse recommended to him by the aunts, leaving all those women with their cars wondering what happened. It is funny that they all visualize a wedding but never a marriage with all the attendant problems. The next 20 years will be interesting. And I think they will usher in the era of serial monogamy.