Outside class lessons from the University of Nairobi (PART 2)

Having shared the first set of lessons, here is the second and hopefully the last set of my experiences outside the lecture room.
Disclaimer: Some thoughts might be in bad taste or sexist…
So without further fuss, let us go, shall we?

 

Best joke I heard
Male urinals are like ATM machines. Those with big accounts can stand one meter from the machine visibly displaying their accounts and those squeezing their last Ksh 200 will move as close as possible to cover, so that those behind the queue don’t get to see the offending words, ‘SORRY, YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS TO WITHDRAW’. And at the urinals those endowed will do their thing unencumbered. Those short will move as close and the hands will cover everything. And wherever there five urinals in a row, they can only accommodate three individuals. Don’t ask me why.
On virginity


There are virgins in campus. The secret lies in identifying natural virginity and artificially induced virginity. I was lucky once.
On dating older women (especially if they have money)

They always come in handy, especially when you are broke and your girlfriend is the materialistic type. Granted you can deliver a good punch in the bedroom, she can be generous. And clingy as well. But in the long run you discover beyond the toys, she is too much hard work and their sexual desires can be a tad extreme. You need a constant supply of Viagra to sustain and satiate their wild desires. If you get it right where it matters, you’re balling. Their insecurity is something else,  though.
On being broke
It was constantly the most nagging problem for us guys. It is crippling. Mentally challenging.  Given that our campus is right at the city, dating was always going to be problem. You were doubly lucky if you had a girlfriend who did not drink. But even teetotalers could be decidedly damn materialistic. I saw ladies drive their men up the wall. I kept my sanity by giving up on dating altogether most of the times in campus. But that was me and my inadequacies.
On breakups
They are inevitable. The hardest part is seeing her moving on and  dating another man, or even kissing him in a club. Then you remember the days she gave you head, and you kissed. You simply wonder how women do it effortlessly. I mean moving on like nothing really ever happened. Breakups are inevitable. In the long run, you will break some hearts and your heart will be broken a couple of times, but importantly is to learn to move on.
On weed and drugs
Guys do drugs in campus. Guys supply drugs in campus. Female students don’t mind a puff, especially on a ‘plotless’ Friday, in the middle of the semester. One must drink liquor and do drugs for the real experience. They are not necessarily evil and addiction does not happen overnight. It OK to try and feel the effect, granted you are within bounds of safety.

I once tried weed and found myself humming a Toni Braxton number that I last heard when I was in class five in 1997, I love him some him. Then I felt a waterfall running on the back of my head and I had a wonderful appetite. Like I soaked up seven chapattis and beef like my life depended on it. My boy Flex felt like Isaac when his father Abraham was going to sacrifice him.
Of alcohol and hangovers
Alcohol is good, granted you don’t get horny the process of imbibing and mess things up. Condoms have a tendency of bursting under such circumstances and she will always call ten days later to inform you that she has missed her periods and she thinks you are responsible. Then it hits you that she is not really a woman you would have wished to have a prospective future with. Your bad!
Hangovers were something else. My worst hangover is when I felt three old women dancing to three different drummers in my head and a bee in the background of my head. I slept the whole day and vowed to leave alcohol having vomited what can easily qualify the puking of the century. I never left alcohol altogether but I learnt to steer clear of hard liquor and invested in the wisdom of beer. It paid off. So bring that Tusker here. And I have sampled some German beer, and it is something out of this world.
How to know that you are winning her

When she starts talking crap about her current boyfriend, you are game, move in for the kill. When she picks your call and responds your texts or sexts in time, don’t waste your chance. If she turns out for your dates and accepts drinks and treatment from you, steer that boat circumspective, the chance is yours to lose.

However, sometimes some women can be scheming, especially if they are stuck in some rocky relationships and they are trying to sample the market. The secret lies in discerning the cause for her rapt attention towards you; is it your looks, your intellect or your money? But above all, convincing a girl should never be a difficult task, unless she is saved and the ball game changes.
On crushes…
I once had a crush on this beautiful lady in our class. She was typically my dream girl; Chocolaty, reasonable height, beautiful, gracious, intelligent and more.  Every time I saw her, my heart skipped. I was scared shitless and my friends never heard the last about her from me.

It took me three years to summon the requisite courage to explain my ordeal that included nearly being run over by a speeding vehicle immediately after the peace accord was passed in 2008. She never even had pity, much less acknowledge my predicament. But we agreed to be friends forever. We are.
But what I learnt is that always speak your heart forthrightly from the outset before they write you off. Attraction is something that is rather instant. And sadly most of the beautiful women are at times single and searching. Some of the stories we get to hear later were potentially demeaning and made us hate our crushes. We cried our hearts sour when we learnt that they were in bad relationship with men who treated them like trash, when we were ready to take a cold shower in Limuru at 6 am for them. God forbid. Always speak your heart, even if in a jest. If she dismisses you curtly, run.If she plays along, keep pressing. Just be confident and persistent. And be funny and gallantry. You will win her.
On female shoes
I honestly hate them. I don’t know why. Especially the condom shoes and the small, pint-sized ones. Forgive me my ladies, I can neither help,nor stand them.
On the first sexual encounter in a relationship
It determines a lot for both of you. Before it, the man’s judgement is adversely impaired and he is normally aided by that first shag. The man will be examining how good or bad she is in bed, whether does her physical attributes correspond with his erotic expectations. If yes, a man will keep her. If she falls short, the exit strategy will be drafted immediately. I want to assume it is the same with women. It takes an average of seven lays for the relationship to be cemented permanently. Ladies if he keeps asking for it after the seventh time, he is ready to keep you. Unless you are a booty call.
On booty calls
It is important to have one. They come in handy during the dry spells. When you are broke and randy. When you can’t just access sex and you have outgrown Vaseline (hopefully it is possible across board). Booty calls are always available, unless it the bad days of the month. I think even women have men at their beck and call as we had in the well circulated recorded phone conversation of a woman openly pleading for sexual favor. I think we should suitably call it the key call.
On men and their embellished sexual performance tales

All men, according to themselves are superstars in bed. They give multiple orgasms to women and make them scream, begging for more. They deliver stellar performances that require a round of applause.Reality and fantasy run parallel on this one. If you were to meet the same women they claim to have unlocked all their pleasure points and ask them the same question, the narrative will be markedly different, you will wonder if you are talking about the same man.

I am forced to believe women have to contend with average or less than average performances. No wonder orgasm faking is a real life skill for women. At least it helps account for the monetary incentives men put into the relationship or the shag, no more different that a well trained waiter who serves you  courteously,  effectively utilizing his acquired hospitality skills from Utalii College. It is all a sham.
On men and toilets
We will never learn toilet manners. I stayed in a senior male hostel for three years, there was never a single day that toilets remained clean the entire day. Horse riding inevitably is a life skill you learn, lest you squander all your tissue paper covering the dirty toilet seat. Given 87.7% of men in campus only used pit latrines until they joined college, it was always going to be a tough balancing act (pun very much intended) using WCs.
On Aisec
Was for the snobbish types. Can’t write anything more negative given the local president was my high school captain and an eloquent and exceptionally brilliant and admirable character. Hope he still likes Eminem.
Relationships
I was never in one long enough to write about it, but it is something regrettable. Finding someone you love and you can share the blanket when it is cold and exchange intimacies is good for the heart. Granted there is honesty, reality and fidelity. There were very few and functional relationships in campus with enough longevity to inspire anything. Too bad, I was never lucky enough.
On dumping and being dumped
I was dumped once on grounds that I was ever so busy and never available. It was emotionally disturbing in the sense that it ended rather abruptly when I thought that I had a few days left on me. A breakup leaves disoriented a bit, some of us have hearts of stones and have seen so much that a woman dumping you is never disturbing. You drink to it, submerge yourself into weed or music and you forget. See, life goes on. But I learnt that women are more resilient. Unless she liked his size, most women would move on after crying blood with some easiness that will baffle even Satan.
On cars and women
Having a car, even if borrowed doubles your chances of bedding a woman on the first night out, especially if she drinks. I don’t know what it is with women and cars. Even if it is a taxi.
Male students and prostitutes and chips fungas
It is part of our growing  experience. Especially, when you wake up in the morning to find a prostitute screaming atop of her voice that she has not been paid and the burger cheated her that he is a lecturer. You will like the accent of an average prostitute in Nairobi. No mentioning names here, but it always goes like…
Hata hajui kazi, nirimpigia hata duru ajiskie jogoo sasa yeye taki ripa…

The man will be wearing a smug grin on the face threatening to kill her if she doesn’t cut her diatribe. But prostitutes are one  audacious people and have some really reckless courage…wooi…
Weaves
Women cannot avoid them, so we will have to learn to deal with it and stop acting like they are as annoying as ass-scratching in public. Our chagrin is misdirected and pointless. We all have sisters and relatives who do weaves. Hate them, love them, women won’t stop having them on.

This thing called Estate
University of Nairobi students have this annoying thing of running to the estates during the weekend. 53.3% of students disappeared into estates every weekend to go and say hi to parents, their brothers and aunts who stay in various part of the city. It was came to me as pretentious and a form of escapism of the perpetual brokenness about campus…Some women used to go to their boyfriends for that well-awaited shag and shopping, et cetera…
On moving out of campus

It is inevitable. It is harsh. At some point you will have to move out of that comfort zone where water flows in taps and you stone the first car when lights go off, especially during exams, given you hardly interact with books until 11 hours before the main paper. Time to move out will always find you broke, confused and with a very uncertain future. But do yourself one favour, as soon as you finish your four or five years, get the hell out of that place and come and begin life out here.
Out here it is a little unforgiving, especially when you don’t have a job and you have just joined KTN (Kenya Tarmacking Network). Shoes will wear off. You will lose weight. You will go many days without a shag and nice food, unless you go after the estate or suburban girls.
You colleague female students
They will always get ahead of you, either through marriage or career. If you dumped her and her wedding is aired on the TV, don’t envy or talk rubbish. Acknowledge that another man’t trash is another man’s treasure.
On spending on women…
Spend wisely and make sure you achieve your goals in good time. I have seen men spend a dime(I am a victim) on women only for their carnal expectations to be shattered when she puts her arms akimbo, throws her hair backwards and asks,
“Kwani weren’t we just friends, what did you want?” feigning some ignorance. So always make sure no matter who she is, by the second date you should have known your prospects by her conduct, getting touchy, sharing a spoon and all those mushy stuff that people hitting off well do. If there are no signs, do me a favour, cut your losses. No pain is ever greater than spending on a woman whom you will never lay, especially if that was your primary goal.

On baby mothers

They come in twos; the serious ones and the ones who still get laid around as if it was never a lesson enough in the first place.

On women
I have spent the last four years writing about them. Sometimes harshly. Sometimes nicely. I have been labeled a chauvinist. I have lost two or three women I would have loved to date and keep from what I write.

But here are the basic facts…
I love women, for they have greatly transformed my life abundantly. There are my two sisters, the two most important people in my life. There is my grandmother and a host of aunts I owe the world for bringing me up through teenage-hood. There is a lady called Irvin who did the most remarkable thing to me this past October, I admire and like her so much.

Women are great people to me when they are not busy sleeping around, showing some stupid attitude or getting their fashion wrong.
That was it about college. I finished on a low note with a difficult bout of malaria and flu and never had a graduation ceremony. I will toast to me one of these fine days and invite all the beautiful ladies from my class for one last act.
Those have been 90 odd blogs on college life and my journeys. I never accomplished everything I ever wanted. I never could or would. We conclude the journey today. This blog will take a different route as from next year. I will keep the 200-odd fans of this blog updated and we will keep getting better and stronger.

Remember not to drink and drive and use a condom.

Merry Christmas and a promising 2012, hoping we don’t butcher each other when elections will be bungled next year.
Cheers

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Lessons learnt from my life in the University of Nairobi(PART 1)

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the summary of my stay, my learning and living in the University of Nairobi’s Main Campus for the past four years.

I joined the University on 15th October, one sunny Monday, 2007 and finally graduated on humid Friday on December 2, 2011. How the four years rolled still escapes me. I studied my BA in Literature, Language and Communication and looking back there is no regret whatsoever.

I joined student leadership rising through the ranks of the largely anonymous Nairobi University Arts Student Association (NUARSA) and becoming the chairman by my fourth year. I was called to join the caretaker following the disbandment of SONU in 2010 while I was in third year but declined but later joined nonetheless to serve as the Main Campus representative. What an experience?

So here I share what I have learnt as a student, student leader, a hustler, and anything in between. Some of the opinions might be too opinionated, ethnic, and chauvinistic but I do hope I will make sense at the end of the day. So without much ado, shall we begin? The lessons are many and in no particular order.
On Facebook
Facebook has made really boring lectures bearable. With more than 300 students in a class, it is impossible for the lecturer to keep tabs on the students. If he is boring, at least 67% of students will be on Facebook or for the sophisticated ones, on Twitter.
On prostitution by UoN female students in Koinange Street
When was the last time you were in Koinange? Well for the last four years, Koinange is a deserted place. Just a few call girls waving old junkets down and there is no University of Nairobi female student moonlighting there. This is one of the most overplayed myths and highly exaggerated stuff about UoN fine ladies, ever since the 2003 debacle in Koinange Street.
On debts
Save your best friendship by not giving your best friend a debt of more than Ksh. 2000. Anything less than that is excusable and forgettable, but more than that, there is always going to be difficulty in paying and it will trouble your friendship. If he or she is desperate enough, let her sell that expensive phone or point them to a shylock to loan them. Even if it is the mother dying in hospital, give but never expect back.

On HELB loan
It is scientifically proven that, this money cannot last a week. Unless, you are a villager from Usenge or somewhere in Bungoma without much needs and good with Sukuma wiki from Club 36, it simply evaporates from your account. News of its arrival spread faster than light. There are always some seven broke idlers who will break the news on Facebook after scouring their ATM cards waiting patiently. Occasionally, they pull pranks, potentially getting many people to banks only to discover it was a prank.

We always signed in and withdrew the first 2Gs for liquor. Came back after 13 hours to withdrawal 6Gs to pay debts- reducing it to manageable levels as we used to say. Since it always came on Fridays, we paid school fee if it is the  first semester and if the second semester, drink all of it.

But in retrospect, buy anything, an electronic or something worth remembering when the burgers from Anniversary Towers  come calling after your first two or three pay slips.
On banks and banking
Those from the village always belonged to Post Bank and National bank. The Rural Sophisticated with Equity. Those who went to averagely good provincial and national schools always banked with KCB and Cooperative. Those born and bred in town or from poshier families did it with Barclays.
Student ATMs are only functional at the beginning of the semester when the loan has been awarded. After that, 89% of ATMs are ornaments in the wallet. And students normally withdraw to the last cent, withdrawable.
On UoN’s other campuses and other Universities
Main Campus is enviably the best campus anywhere in Sub-Saharan Africa, of course above South Africa. Kikuyu Campus was the worst campus possible. I can say as much for the teachers? Wait, what do they train there? God forbid.  Upper Kabete? When there is even a golf course bordering your campus, you know you are in another province altogether. It is like a different planet all together. Last I was there, I swear, I saw warthog.

Kenya Science was my ideal campus; cool, serene and has the quaint university feel. Parklands had some nice and pretty ladies but as conceited as only lawyers can be. Chiromo surprisingly had the prettiest chicks that BA chicks could not compare. KNH, pass. Museum campus or for anthropologists,I will never know how they made it with only two fly chicks…there is one who should be in fourth year now, who might well be the flyest thing in UoN, but her attitude can sharpen a pencil.
On men looks and impressions
A man is as handsome as circumstances can allow. Three women ever told me that I am handsome, but wait. They were high and I think I was footing the bill.

So never worry about looks. If you are tall, you have already been saved some little hassle. Campus women are still within the fantasizing age of women. If you are short, hit the gym, dress smart and expensively. If you are neither, just get lots of money. In fact scientists in my head tell me that money has the same biological effect on women as looks, humor, intellect, and anything that attracts women. Remember shoes and a good belt count for much.
On size matters
A well hung man can keep woman for long than a man short of expectations in the bedroom. A man big down there can be abusive and she can stay. A man with a big cock evidently can be broke and the lady can still tolerate. Actually there are sexually desperate women out here with whom you can sustain the relationship by the sheer length and strength of your cock.

If you are small, get the money and invest in other compensatory factors, but, there is no known substitute for length and girth…but work through it…women of the college age are experimenting and will go out with as many men as possible, trying to find that ideal man. Given we are mostly average at best, the search normally takes longer.
On beautiful and attitude
Beautiful women come in three categories; beautiful but boringly cautious. They don’t date easily or stuck in some lackluster relationship. Secondly, beautiful but with an attitude that can explode a petrol tanker. Thirdly, beautiful but generous and supply it campus like they don’t care.
On sex in campus
I could be mistaken, but the levels of promiscuity in campus are normally overrated.To me, only 10% are in stable relationships. 27% have access to consistent sex. 15% outsource from the estate or the village. The rest have their private means of venting out sexual pressure. It could be Vaseline, Soap, a carrot, a banana, dildo for those who can afford;  whatever attains the end will justify the means.

In the meantime, if you ever had a misfortune of having a roommate who is randy with a girlfriend who is a siren, you were always in trouble. SEXILING was a common practice. And there was always a certain clique of men dedicated to organizing parties or getting the college girls drunk for quicker, hustle free sex. It takes two to tango. There were loose men and there were loose women. Each class had its fare share of individuals with morals more befitting to strip clubs or sex shops.
On sugar daddies
It is not a huge phenomenon. Some 3% of the ladies have access to rich wealthy men who affords them toys and drop them in campus on Sundays evenings in big cars. Just that. Some 17 % of the ladies date yuppies, the younger trendier men with Toyotas and earning a little more than Kshs 80,000 and stay in struggling middle-class estates such as Donholm.
On SONU
The less said the better. It is a highly shameful organization useful for utilizing the subscription funds of poor students. The fact that 97.5% of students don’t give a damn about it doesn’t help much. And to think there is so much that they can do for students. I had a rare opportunity of meeting student leaders in Germany and you could see the differences. SONU has been the same over the last decade and will scarcely change in the near future. Unless the administration does the needful and reduce that subscription fee to Ksh 20.

SONU breeds bad leaders and Kenyans should shun them anywhere in the future. Come to think of it, given that the crème of the country went through University of Nairobi and yet they can’t find suitable solutions to our 767329 problems, can’t we just avoid them altogether…When will Nairobi University start producing leaders with even an iota of integrity…
On stoning cars
Guys, you just have to stop that. Kenyans are really struggling to make things happen. Stoning cars is so 1987, July at the height of Moi’s repressive regime. Right? Stop it. Let us invent other suitable means of communicating with the usually recalcitrant administration.
On how different we are
I met a beautiful girl who wants to be celibate for the rest of her life. But she dresses in low-cut dresses and stocks a number of min-skirts, reveals her cleavage, has an ass to die for that she doesn’t hide and above all she listens to Westlife and BoyzIIMen. OK, we can as well have her photo in the dictionary instead of the word contradiction. She once spent at my room from 6.53pm to 4.01am and nothing happened. Admittedly, I am quite slower but that gotta be the hardest nut I had to crack. And to think that she claims that she has never been abused and she contemplates joining the nunnery. Good luck for her.

On my admission day I met a guy who was in Form 4 when I was in Form 1 joining for his BA. Wait, it took me five years in secondary school. I met other guys with heart rending stories. Some have lost their parents. Some have witnessed their parents go through awful divorces. Some women have given birth to stillborn baby and yet they live to tell the story, albeit stoically. So respect everyone. Not every smiling face is actually smiling. We all must wear facades in order to survive this cold, wild world. Above all, we are all sojourning.
On the girls who catch untimely pregnancy
Keep the baby. It always earns you respect as someone mature and ready to take responsibility. It is the right thing to do and it is healthy. Sometimes it comes as an inconvenience and often at the worst of times. Not many men hang around after the news. It is the moment it dawns on you that you are an individual and pleasure shared between two people, when it translates to pain, it is a singular experience.

Anyway, the baby might come in hand sometime…who knows, and besides, even in your career days ahead, it can save you the heartbreak when you just can’t find a man to steal a sperm from and you need that baby desperately…I am just saying.
Stereotypes
Ethnic stereotypes, I unfortunately believe in them with a few exceptions. 89.3% of the people I interacted with believe in them as well. But above all, while there are some communities it is hard to reason or understand what drives them, I always deal with individuals and never tribes.
Kikuyu women
They are pretty. They are wonderful. But men from Western Kenya (let us put it at 93.7%) believe that you can only date them and lay them, but when it comes to marriage, CAUTION is the key word. I don’t necessarily subscribe to this belief (2 of my marriage candidates are actually Kikuyu and my friends think I am crazy), but neither can you dismiss it. God forbid.
On Luo men
They are the worst competition in the seduction game. They unnecessarily raise the standards for guys like me. They fact that the flyest Kisii ladies in campus have a thing for Luo men is one of those things that I have had to live with. It is like a mosquito in the dark…consistently frustrating. But Ndedas, Oduoris, Omondis!thumps up brothers from the lake for raising the ceiling.
Handling a scandal
I am a little bit shy of scandals. If I was to be a politician, I will be in the mould of Musalia Mudavadi. As a leader, I courted trouble by keeping bad company and was once a victim of some really nasty propaganda. I was described as the easily forgettable, I don’t know but I was largely flattered by that. I learnt, just keep your calm, amidst all that. People forget after 107 hours.
On lecturers dating students
It happens. Sexually transmitted grades (STGs) are real. But the most disturbing thing is that lecturers don’t know how to seduce the young women. Hence they have to spend and use some of the oldest tricks in book that only work in planet Neptune.

I am working a blog on the shenanigans of the lecturers and there poor courting skills.

To be continued…..