Having shared the first set of lessons, here is the second and hopefully the last set of my experiences outside the lecture room.
Disclaimer: Some thoughts might be in bad taste or sexist…
So without further fuss, let us go, shall we?
Best joke I heard
Male urinals are like ATM machines. Those with big accounts can stand one meter from the machine visibly displaying their accounts and those squeezing their last Ksh 200 will move as close as possible to cover, so that those behind the queue don’t get to see the offending words, ‘SORRY, YOU HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS TO WITHDRAW’. And at the urinals those endowed will do their thing unencumbered. Those short will move as close and the hands will cover everything. And wherever there five urinals in a row, they can only accommodate three individuals. Don’t ask me why.
There are virgins in campus. The secret lies in identifying natural virginity and artificially induced virginity. I was lucky once.
On dating older women (especially if they have money)
They always come in handy, especially when you are broke and your girlfriend is the materialistic type. Granted you can deliver a good punch in the bedroom, she can be generous. And clingy as well. But in the long run you discover beyond the toys, she is too much hard work and their sexual desires can be a tad extreme. You need a constant supply of Viagra to sustain and satiate their wild desires. If you get it right where it matters, you’re balling. Their insecurity is something else, though.
On being broke
It was constantly the most nagging problem for us guys. It is crippling. Mentally challenging. Given that our campus is right at the city, dating was always going to be problem. You were doubly lucky if you had a girlfriend who did not drink. But even teetotalers could be decidedly damn materialistic. I saw ladies drive their men up the wall. I kept my sanity by giving up on dating altogether most of the times in campus. But that was me and my inadequacies.
They are inevitable. The hardest part is seeing her moving on and dating another man, or even kissing him in a club. Then you remember the days she gave you head, and you kissed. You simply wonder how women do it effortlessly. I mean moving on like nothing really ever happened. Breakups are inevitable. In the long run, you will break some hearts and your heart will be broken a couple of times, but importantly is to learn to move on.
On weed and drugs
Guys do drugs in campus. Guys supply drugs in campus. Female students don’t mind a puff, especially on a ‘plotless’ Friday, in the middle of the semester. One must drink liquor and do drugs for the real experience. They are not necessarily evil and addiction does not happen overnight. It OK to try and feel the effect, granted you are within bounds of safety.
I once tried weed and found myself humming a Toni Braxton number that I last heard when I was in class five in 1997, I love him some him. Then I felt a waterfall running on the back of my head and I had a wonderful appetite. Like I soaked up seven chapattis and beef like my life depended on it. My boy Flex felt like Isaac when his father Abraham was going to sacrifice him.
Of alcohol and hangovers
Alcohol is good, granted you don’t get horny the process of imbibing and mess things up. Condoms have a tendency of bursting under such circumstances and she will always call ten days later to inform you that she has missed her periods and she thinks you are responsible. Then it hits you that she is not really a woman you would have wished to have a prospective future with. Your bad!
Hangovers were something else. My worst hangover is when I felt three old women dancing to three different drummers in my head and a bee in the background of my head. I slept the whole day and vowed to leave alcohol having vomited what can easily qualify the puking of the century. I never left alcohol altogether but I learnt to steer clear of hard liquor and invested in the wisdom of beer. It paid off. So bring that Tusker here. And I have sampled some German beer, and it is something out of this world.
How to know that you are winning her
When she starts talking crap about her current boyfriend, you are game, move in for the kill. When she picks your call and responds your texts or sexts in time, don’t waste your chance. If she turns out for your dates and accepts drinks and treatment from you, steer that boat circumspective, the chance is yours to lose.
However, sometimes some women can be scheming, especially if they are stuck in some rocky relationships and they are trying to sample the market. The secret lies in discerning the cause for her rapt attention towards you; is it your looks, your intellect or your money? But above all, convincing a girl should never be a difficult task, unless she is saved and the ball game changes.
I once had a crush on this beautiful lady in our class. She was typically my dream girl; Chocolaty, reasonable height, beautiful, gracious, intelligent and more. Every time I saw her, my heart skipped. I was scared shitless and my friends never heard the last about her from me.
It took me three years to summon the requisite courage to explain my ordeal that included nearly being run over by a speeding vehicle immediately after the peace accord was passed in 2008. She never even had pity, much less acknowledge my predicament. But we agreed to be friends forever. We are.
But what I learnt is that always speak your heart forthrightly from the outset before they write you off. Attraction is something that is rather instant. And sadly most of the beautiful women are at times single and searching. Some of the stories we get to hear later were potentially demeaning and made us hate our crushes. We cried our hearts sour when we learnt that they were in bad relationship with men who treated them like trash, when we were ready to take a cold shower in Limuru at 6 am for them. God forbid. Always speak your heart, even if in a jest. If she dismisses you curtly, run.If she plays along, keep pressing. Just be confident and persistent. And be funny and gallantry. You will win her.
On female shoes
I honestly hate them. I don’t know why. Especially the condom shoes and the small, pint-sized ones. Forgive me my ladies, I can neither help,nor stand them.
On the first sexual encounter in a relationship
It determines a lot for both of you. Before it, the man’s judgement is adversely impaired and he is normally aided by that first shag. The man will be examining how good or bad she is in bed, whether does her physical attributes correspond with his erotic expectations. If yes, a man will keep her. If she falls short, the exit strategy will be drafted immediately. I want to assume it is the same with women. It takes an average of seven lays for the relationship to be cemented permanently. Ladies if he keeps asking for it after the seventh time, he is ready to keep you. Unless you are a booty call.
On booty calls
It is important to have one. They come in handy during the dry spells. When you are broke and randy. When you can’t just access sex and you have outgrown Vaseline (hopefully it is possible across board). Booty calls are always available, unless it the bad days of the month. I think even women have men at their beck and call as we had in the well circulated recorded phone conversation of a woman openly pleading for sexual favor. I think we should suitably call it the key call.
On men and their embellished sexual performance tales
All men, according to themselves are superstars in bed. They give multiple orgasms to women and make them scream, begging for more. They deliver stellar performances that require a round of applause.Reality and fantasy run parallel on this one. If you were to meet the same women they claim to have unlocked all their pleasure points and ask them the same question, the narrative will be markedly different, you will wonder if you are talking about the same man.
I am forced to believe women have to contend with average or less than average performances. No wonder orgasm faking is a real life skill for women. At least it helps account for the monetary incentives men put into the relationship or the shag, no more different that a well trained waiter who serves you courteously, effectively utilizing his acquired hospitality skills from Utalii College. It is all a sham.
On men and toilets
We will never learn toilet manners. I stayed in a senior male hostel for three years, there was never a single day that toilets remained clean the entire day. Horse riding inevitably is a life skill you learn, lest you squander all your tissue paper covering the dirty toilet seat. Given 87.7% of men in campus only used pit latrines until they joined college, it was always going to be a tough balancing act (pun very much intended) using WCs.
Was for the snobbish types. Can’t write anything more negative given the local president was my high school captain and an eloquent and exceptionally brilliant and admirable character. Hope he still likes Eminem.
I was never in one long enough to write about it, but it is something regrettable. Finding someone you love and you can share the blanket when it is cold and exchange intimacies is good for the heart. Granted there is honesty, reality and fidelity. There were very few and functional relationships in campus with enough longevity to inspire anything. Too bad, I was never lucky enough.
On dumping and being dumped
I was dumped once on grounds that I was ever so busy and never available. It was emotionally disturbing in the sense that it ended rather abruptly when I thought that I had a few days left on me. A breakup leaves disoriented a bit, some of us have hearts of stones and have seen so much that a woman dumping you is never disturbing. You drink to it, submerge yourself into weed or music and you forget. See, life goes on. But I learnt that women are more resilient. Unless she liked his size, most women would move on after crying blood with some easiness that will baffle even Satan.
On cars and women
Having a car, even if borrowed doubles your chances of bedding a woman on the first night out, especially if she drinks. I don’t know what it is with women and cars. Even if it is a taxi.
Male students and prostitutes and chips fungas
It is part of our growing experience. Especially, when you wake up in the morning to find a prostitute screaming atop of her voice that she has not been paid and the burger cheated her that he is a lecturer. You will like the accent of an average prostitute in Nairobi. No mentioning names here, but it always goes like…
Hata hajui kazi, nirimpigia hata duru ajiskie jogoo sasa yeye taki ripa…
The man will be wearing a smug grin on the face threatening to kill her if she doesn’t cut her diatribe. But prostitutes are one audacious people and have some really reckless courage…wooi…
Women cannot avoid them, so we will have to learn to deal with it and stop acting like they are as annoying as ass-scratching in public. Our chagrin is misdirected and pointless. We all have sisters and relatives who do weaves. Hate them, love them, women won’t stop having them on.
This thing called Estate
University of Nairobi students have this annoying thing of running to the estates during the weekend. 53.3% of students disappeared into estates every weekend to go and say hi to parents, their brothers and aunts who stay in various part of the city. It was came to me as pretentious and a form of escapism of the perpetual brokenness about campus…Some women used to go to their boyfriends for that well-awaited shag and shopping, et cetera…
On moving out of campus
It is inevitable. It is harsh. At some point you will have to move out of that comfort zone where water flows in taps and you stone the first car when lights go off, especially during exams, given you hardly interact with books until 11 hours before the main paper. Time to move out will always find you broke, confused and with a very uncertain future. But do yourself one favour, as soon as you finish your four or five years, get the hell out of that place and come and begin life out here.
Out here it is a little unforgiving, especially when you don’t have a job and you have just joined KTN (Kenya Tarmacking Network). Shoes will wear off. You will lose weight. You will go many days without a shag and nice food, unless you go after the estate or suburban girls.
You colleague female students
They will always get ahead of you, either through marriage or career. If you dumped her and her wedding is aired on the TV, don’t envy or talk rubbish. Acknowledge that another man’t trash is another man’s treasure.
On spending on women…
Spend wisely and make sure you achieve your goals in good time. I have seen men spend a dime(I am a victim) on women only for their carnal expectations to be shattered when she puts her arms akimbo, throws her hair backwards and asks,
“Kwani weren’t we just friends, what did you want?” feigning some ignorance. So always make sure no matter who she is, by the second date you should have known your prospects by her conduct, getting touchy, sharing a spoon and all those mushy stuff that people hitting off well do. If there are no signs, do me a favour, cut your losses. No pain is ever greater than spending on a woman whom you will never lay, especially if that was your primary goal.
On baby mothers
They come in twos; the serious ones and the ones who still get laid around as if it was never a lesson enough in the first place.
I have spent the last four years writing about them. Sometimes harshly. Sometimes nicely. I have been labeled a chauvinist. I have lost two or three women I would have loved to date and keep from what I write.
But here are the basic facts…
I love women, for they have greatly transformed my life abundantly. There are my two sisters, the two most important people in my life. There is my grandmother and a host of aunts I owe the world for bringing me up through teenage-hood. There is a lady called Irvin who did the most remarkable thing to me this past October, I admire and like her so much.
Women are great people to me when they are not busy sleeping around, showing some stupid attitude or getting their fashion wrong.
That was it about college. I finished on a low note with a difficult bout of malaria and flu and never had a graduation ceremony. I will toast to me one of these fine days and invite all the beautiful ladies from my class for one last act.
Those have been 90 odd blogs on college life and my journeys. I never accomplished everything I ever wanted. I never could or would. We conclude the journey today. This blog will take a different route as from next year. I will keep the 200-odd fans of this blog updated and we will keep getting better and stronger.
Remember not to drink and drive and use a condom.
Merry Christmas and a promising 2012, hoping we don’t butcher each other when elections will be bungled next year.