4 Qualities that I cherish most in a woman

Emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, self-social discipline, unquestionable loyalty and faithfulness are a must. Probably the reason, I will die single.

I have been turned down by at least three serious women that I really wanted to date. They said NO, and they meant it. When you are tall, dark, handsome and intelligent, if you will, you don’t expect a woman to say NO and just carry on as if she has not broken a golden rule in the universe.

Rather than resenting them, I ended up respecting them the more. And for a reason.

One went by the name Barbra. She was a tiny, petite thing. Absolutely pretty. She was probably three years younger than me, making her more delirious. I met her in the University of Nairobi’s Main Campus with her father on the day she was joining. We sat on those heavy slabs donated by the Alumni. I can’t remember where her father had gone, but we had some 20 minutes with her. I was with my nemesis Plato. She talked to us, more out fear and gave us her number, in the hope that we won’t bother her.

She was wrong. We soon bumped into her and became good friends. We did tea together at the college canteen a dozen times. After a long and protracted debate with Plato, it was agreed that I should take her up. I was so sure that I will win. I had given her time to get used to the campus environment. I also wanted her to understand that I was not taking advantage of her young age and presumed naivete to seduce her. We had a good lunch once in one of the better restaurants closer to campus. I didn’t mention anything. I didn’t see any connection or chemistry, so I postponed the proposal.

Then a few weeks later I called her to a lecture hall, sat her down to propose. See, I can be stupid. Really? A lecture hall! Pathetic is a compliment. She said NO. And then avoided me, ever since like my sight reminded her of city council toilets back in the 90s. But I respected her and pinched myself hard for being so presumptive.

Then there was Natasha. The girl who nearly got me run over by a vehicle after the post-election violence. Every man has had that one Crush that nearly crashed them. Mine was Natasha. Boy, I really felt this girl. Every time she walked into the lecture hall, my heart skipped. She was the most fashionable female student in my time in campus. She always got it right. She had a snobbery about her that I really admired. She was beautiful. She was impossible. Not very blessed with ASSets, my buddy Plato once compared her buttocks to the size of two tear drops but that could not deter me. I liked and loved her so much. Plato is stupid. And he was just being mean, given that she could not stand his wily smile, and his vampire face. She actually threatened to throw Plato in jail, for being a nuisance and stalking her.

For three years, I grappled with the urge to speak my heart out. Many days I gathered courage, only for the balls to desert me on my hour of need. She could intimidate, with big talk. And often she could be so stuck up! But so what? I loved her. Anytime I stood around her, she made me sweat profusely and my heart used to race unhealthily. But I survived. I think what I suffered prepared me to the tough life that I have encountered after campus.

I once booked a meeting with her claiming that I had a serious thing to tell her. She agreed. I had long come to terms that I will never have her and the best way to deal with it is to tell her and move on. And one bright afternoon, we sat in a corridor to a lecture hall (again!) and I poured my heart out. She listened keenly, without interrupting. I told her the pain and the agony. About almost being run over by a car. She was unmoved. No tapping my hand even to comfort me. No handkerchief to clean tears gathering around my eyes. Not even a serviette. OK, not even a tissue paper. I mean, can anyone be so worse than shit-literary. She sat there, probably, wondering how a man, tall and with a beard, could be so spacey and helpless. Mayne!

She understood my case and claimed to have never ever noticed that I was interested in her. May be. But I was so relieved and I have never been relieved so much in my adult life. Getting over that was really cathartic. And it taught me to look women for what they are: MEAN and SELFISH. I moved on and I am a better person. I often accept what I can’t have and take life whichever way it comes.

Until, another beautiful and intelligent lass showed up and swept me off my feet. Laura was her name and again we discovered her in a line at the University’s eatery. I have written many times about her. To wit: she was arguably the most intelligent girl I have ever interacted with, beautiful with a pair of legs that could be served with Ugandan Matoke. She raised my hopes. And then,she came with a needle to the balloon carrying all my hope and pricked it. And she disappeared. More disgustingly with the beers she had promised me. I mean if she had to be so mean, at least she should have bought me my beer. But she made her choice. And I assume, none of her boyfriends ever drowned or chocked since then. More to the point, she said NO and released me, so professionally, it made me doubt her professed age.

I have never hated or resented these women for saying NO to the nicest person on Earth. Ignore the self-pampering by the way. But I have learnt a lot and today I share with you the best qualities I cherish in a woman. I have four…

1. A woman has to be emotionally intelligent

Only one woman I have ever gone out with who refused to dance ‘indecently’ with a friend of mine. That friend is quite a looker and many lady friends have this annoying habit of whispering to my ears that

“He is hot,”, or “He has energy” which is the male equivalent of saying that woman is f**kable. He is equally a bad boy in good measure. She danced with him, but not bad enough to give a man a heart attack. She acknowledged that the drinks were on me and she had to act maturely. And she did earn her respect for that. To date, she is one of the decent women, I know. Wait, let me ring her…

Many other women that I have taken out have ended up disappointing me. The fact that I am disabled and I can’t dance has not helped matters. I have seen some rub their ass on other men,strangers, no less, exchange numbers and behave in a way that can provoke one to use a bottle to communicate sense to some son of a woman. Those bloody opportunists who don’t buy drinks but ever so ready to pounce on your woman to dance-f**k them on the dance floor. Really disgusting. NKT!

An emotionally intelligent woman is the one who understands than men are just as sensitive as women and does nothing to upset him. An emotionally intelligent woman respects herself and her man and knows what her man wants and does not take stupid flattering from men, hell bent to lower her pants. She has seen it all; she can laugh, lightly and smile but at the end of the day will make it clear that she is seeing someone. She doesn’t cheat, nor can she cheat as long as she is in a relationship.

2. Emotionally mature

A woman has to be emotionally mature. An insecure woman who needs approval from everyone is not a good one. I think by 23 everyone should have known their strengths and weaknesses. You should know if you are beautiful or not. If you have an ass worth looking at or not. You should have known the right kind of makeup that works for you.

You should be confident with yourself, your skin, your body, et al. I like women who are contented with what they have and they focus to build their character.

You want a woman that you can trust even if you went to jail, she will stick by you. You want a woman who already knows the world is an ass, and a bad one at that. Men are selfish. Women are selfish. You want a woman who respects herself. Not one who has slept with so many that if their dykes were to be laid from one end to another, it can plumb a building like Times Towers. Nowadays, it is possible to meet a woman who has lost count to the men who have slept with her. At only 22.

3. Self-social discipline

This refers to that quality of discretion. Doing the right thing at the right time. Respecting your friends and dressing appropriately. Not insisting that she must accompany you to a bar. Not Facebooking with ex-boyfriends. Not What-sapping some buggers somewhere. Not drinking men’s drinks only to turn their sexual advances later on.

Social discipline involves drawing boundaries on what is expected of a woman in the traditional sense, without the abuse or the chauvinism of course. A woman should be a lady. Cook, wash or get the domestic chores done, in the event that she works, she can arrange those things to be done.And definitely with the support of the man.
4. Absolute loyalty and faithfulness

This one is a long shot. Anyone who knows where they make faithful women anymore? Direct me there. Women are just as jumpy and unfaithful as men. Your average woman in Nairobi has become a nymphomaniac that a man can scarcely meet her sexual needs. You have seen the rise of lesbianism unravel in front of us. Nowadays, some walk around with dildos and have boyfriends everywhere, in offices, in better neighbourhoods. They sleep in lodgings…

But I still I believe that there are one or two faithful woman out here. One who can be loyal and trusting…It is, but a forlorn hope.


20 people who need their brains re-examined…

You need a mental examination if…

“Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit”
-Elbert Hubbard.

There is a cliché that common sense is the rarest thing on earth. Everywhere you look; there is no sense in the world. The choice of topics in FM stations is sex, sex and more sex. Someone actually wants to build Kibaki an office worth Sh 700 million. The cost of laptops will cost more than what the teachers demand as a salary increment since 1997. Obama does not want to visit his fatherland. We have Sonko as the senator of the capital of Kenya. Our members of parliament…Anyway you get the point. I am often persuaded that Africans, going by the evolution theory, there is something off about Africans…we just can’t get it right…can we?

More to the point, while politics is a field where inferiors (more so intellectually) tramp over superiors, we can move closer to our social lives and help those who need some serious psychological help. And I have 20 persons who need immediate help…

20. If you find those Akon-Naijja collabos good music, book a date with a psychiatrist pronto! It is not the auto-tune or the irritating Akon’s voice that gets to me. You need an IQ of a mongoose for you to enjoy those ‘Chop ma money’ songs. And I am not being xenophobic, but someone, pray, tell me what are all these Nigerians doing in my hood. I saw some bargaining Mutura…How did we get here?

Now back to Akon. Admittedly, there two or three songs you don’t mind an Akon hook. Like that Obi Trice-Snitch song…That was one hell of a song. I don’t mind ‘I am not my hair’ remix with India Arie…but that is just about it. An accident should happen to Akon’s voice and he spares us his mindlessly copious collabos. Especially, those with Nigerians and Ghanaians. Anytime I see Kenyans dancing to those songs in a club, I straight away understand why Obama doesn’t want to come to Kenya.West Africans give the rest of Africa a bad name…Look at their hairstyles during football tournaments.

19. If you think a hummer is a cool ride…, go for a mental examination. Hummer! That thing is ugly AF. It is big, obnoxious, arrogant and stupid. I mean, only people with self-esteem issues should drive a hammer. You must have been abused as a child, molested by your uncles for you to even thinks a hummer is a good car. I did a survey of all perfectly sensible men, and I can report here that no one deems it a decent ride. The only exception is Raila Odinga. That was a marketing gimmick, which failed disastrous. I think the apocalypse would have come if we had more than ten of those at any given time in Nairobi.

18. If you support Manchester United…Manchester United as a club and its fans suck. I am not going to waste precious sentences writing anything about it here…I dedicate TuPac’s Hit’em up with the clean parts censored. The first verse goes to Ferguson and the technical staff. The second verse, goes to Ferdinand. The third verse, goes to Evra. The fourth verse goes to Nani. And that final killer verse goes to van Persie.

No team has a bunch of self-entitled, really spacey buggers than Manchester United. NKT1

17. Men over 25 with a Mohawk… Rather unfairly I think, men with Mohawks, skinny jeans as well men who perm and plait their hair should be stripped their man cards and pass by the desk where they change their orientation. You can’t disgrace the entire honorable sex in pursuit of your stupid inner self. Men who go for manicures and pedicures too need to have their brains scrutinized. If you are a man and you sit to have a your nails clipped and you think metro-sexuality is cool, you don’t deserve a woman.

16. A woman over 25 who listens to Nicki Minaj…Anyone older than 25 who thinks Nicki Minaj is a musician, is probably the reason Kenya performs badly in football. After 25, a woman needs a better taste in music. There is a correlation between Nicki Minaj, black ice and looseness. Or is it just me…And a woman who enjoys Nicki Minaj, probably will lack the intellectual grit to sustain a decent conversation.

15. People who watch Big Brother…America is busy exploring Mars. James Cameron and Larry Page would like to start extracting platinum from meteorites and you sit your ass there watching Big Brother. Seriously. Super highways and Vision 2030 cannot be attained as long as we have adults so idle as to flip the channel and watch something sensible, like the animal planet. Huddah got expelled the first week to save us time and focus on better things…

14. Women who drink Kingfisher and Woodpecker…Get that bottle fixed. It is ugly AF. You deserve better. That bottle ruins the fun. By virtue of that bottle, you need to pay a psychiatrist a visit to see where you lost it.

13. Men who drag their women to a bar when it is supposed to be a boys’ night out… These men need to be castrated. You agree to meet as boys, and one insists on dragging his mama to the joint. Even when you have picked the dingiest, macho joint where smoking is allowed and mud-slinging sanctioned, he comes along with it, ruining any possible fun. These men are a disgrace to humanity. To manhood. And even to womanhood.Grow up.

12. Women who insist on following their men to pubs…Get a life. You won’t stop your man from cheating by such trivial deterrences. If your man is a cheat, he is a cheat. Unless you stick by him 24/7. So anytime you have the urge to accompany him, I recommend that you pass by Aga Khan, if they have a psychiatry department.

11. People who fancy Ugandan music…As long as they sing in Luuganda and not in Swahili, they will remain shady and backward to me. And so they should to you. And clubs that play Ugandan music should pay higher taxes for insulting our collective sensibilities. And people who dance to Uganda music, should be arrested and be made to sweep the city every Monday morning.

10. If you don’t find Kelly Rowland sexy…If you are a man and Kelly Rowland’s decidedly raunchy songs don’t turn you on, you are gay. Period. Kelly Rowland’s seductive smile in ‘Representin’ should work up any man. Her playful and horny self in in ‘Lay it on me’ is just what you need on a Monday morning to put the week into perspective. What more motivation d you need?Seriously.

9. Men without beard who argue with men who have beards…Disclaimer: Anyang Nyong’o’s beard doesn’t count here…

There ought to be a rule for men who don’t have beards, never to take beer from a brown bottle. Green, yes. That is for sissies. Forget about genetics. Men who have not grown enough beard are susceptible to make bad decisions in life like picking Manchester United over Arsenal. Or picking Jay Z over Nas. Or picking Messi over Ronaldo. See, it is a mental disorder and a checkup can help.

8. People who leave skid marks in toilets…A death sentence is what I recommend. Nothing is as offensive in life like that greenish-yellow marks stuck at the bottom of a toilet sink. More so, if it is an adult who just got out. That is just gross. And that image remains permanently imprinted on your mind. I have ever dumped a woman for this.

It is always simple, always, flush water first or pour water, preferably with soap-Harpic to smoothen the path. That is, if you anticipate a sticky dump. And aim, correctly into the water, if you can’t help it. In event of a floater and no water, well-handle that. It is your problem.

But leaving skid marks is just shady…Wait water to fill the cistern. I know those minutes can be longer than microwave minutes. Longest if someone is waiting for their turn for a pressing long call. But wait and clear your mess. I mean, Arsenal have waited longer for a trophy.

7. If you have DJ Kalonje’s mix in your smartphone…Smartphone has been used generically to refer to Ideos, Tecno and other cheaply rated smart-phones. Someone is not sweating in a Korean chaebol or China, so that you can stock some ragga songs in your phone. Style up. I mean that is a place you stock decent music that can help you reflect on life.

6. If you listen to Riddims after 24: As one annoyed tweep, @Mokaya once observed, those crappy things are never played at award ceremonies. No CEO in the world has ever told an interviewer that he listens to Riddims. No serious, self-respecting person listens to Riddims. If you are in a university, or has a degree and enjoys Riddims, you need a quick mental check-up. Life cannot take you seriously.

You just have to look at the things Demarco did in Kenya. Remember RDX. And the weekend mess the ill-fated Tarus Riley show left behind. And who on earth parades Alpha Blondy alongside an upstart like Tarus…
Epic fail.

5. Men who take wine in bars…

4. Men don’t respect women…Any man who picks unnecessary wars with women should be stripped their man card and be submitted to the Intelligence Department to examine their IQ. Really men don’t exchange words with women. They don’t poke fun at their weight and other biological morphology that women have no control over.I mean, part of the responsibility of being a man is to always play fair. Never hit someone when they are down. Unless, for women who behave extremely bad.

And importantly, if you don’t like a woman but you having sex with her for the sake…Just release her, there is always some nigga somewhere who will love her better than you. Don’t cause misery on others unnecessarily. One man’s trash is easily another man’s treasure…

3. Women who go back to their exes, while in another ‘serious’ relationship: You deserve to die. Cheating is bad enough. Cheating on a serious man with your ex is equal to murder. Move on B***h. Get over that SOB.

2. Men who date women on Facebook…I am yet to meet a Facebook relationship or even hear of a sexual experience that ever worked. I mean it is 2013, you don’t just flirt with a woman on Facebook and you agree to meet for a drink and a possibility of a lay.

1. Women who chose to support Manchester United and have it in their Twitter Bios:
It is bad enough that women are into football nowadays. But why pick Manchester United of all teams. Women who support Manchester are not independent minded. Of all teams, why Man U. Don’t give me that crap about winning trophies and such…Women are such bad judges of character. They always get it wrong.

To me a woman who supports Manchester is a turn off. I foresee unshaven armpits and even where it matters. All I see are toes that look like hooves of Satan. All I see are brown teeth(Nakuru fans, pardon this).

A woman who supports Manchester, probably moans falsely in bed. Probably, she is bad in bed. A woman who supports Manchester is simply fake…

This is a personal opinion. You take it with a pinch of salt, of course….

A woman at 28

She has seen it all. A good relationship. A bad relationship. Good sex. Bad sex. Tall men. Short men. Well-hung men. Men who could do with some enlargement where it matters. She has been there, done it, got the medal. This medal can be a child, an abortion, a scar from an abusive relationship, a bad marriage and with luck, a good marriage.

A woman at 28 is either settled, shocked, confused or lost. Settled, if in a marriage or has decided that marriage is not her cup of, eeer sorry glass of…wait, bottle of whiskey. Shocked, if she still can’t see how 28 came too fast. Confused, if she still hasn’t figured out how to deal with men and relationships. To wit, she cannot separate love from sex. Lost if she has let herself go, completely; sleeps around too much, drinks too much. Basically,amejiachilia.

28 is a phenomenal year for a woman. And it comes sooner. Just two or three years, after campus and she is 28. By then, she would have brushed off potential suitors based on their looks or income. Between 24(when they finish campus) and 28, when they are possibly in stable employment or marriage, a lot happens. For instance, dropping that shady campus boyfriend. It happens. I know because I have been dumped.

A woman at 28 is a dangerous woman. She has a past as mysterious as life in Mars. She has baggage enough to fill all the warehouses in Nairobi. She has more issues than all the second hand magazines along Kenyatta Avenue, Moi Avenue, Kimathi Street, Tom Mboya and I think Ronald Ngala Street.

She has one or two exes who can sexually access her. One such ex wields so much power on her that when she will get married, he can still get it. At 28, a mature and intelligent woman will know her place in the food chain. She is fully aware of the stretch marks creeping on her otherwise smooth body. The boobs finally start that inevitable interaction with gravity and for some the tires begin to circle her waist.

In the meantime, younger and fresh girls will be surfacing everywhere. In a club, younger, nubile girls fresh out of their parents’ tutelage will be grinding their asses on the groins of men, and she will neither be having the grace nor the agility to match up with them. Well, she can afford her drinks, but men treat her with velvet gloves. Younger ones want to fleece her money. Men her age want to touch and go. Men who want to settle with her are either bald, pregnant (read potbellied) and generally old-fashioned for her.

At the work place, she may have flirted with the boss, even slept with him but now younger employees, newer interns are challenging her space and she can feel it. Compliments have become fewer. Extremely. Nobody notices her new hairstyle. Nobody notices her fashion sense. That killer dress that exposes her thighs goes unnoticed. Simply because the new intern can dress her ass and that cleavage sexily. And that is enough distraction.

At 28, if she is single, the internal pressure to marry can be unrelenting. The level of desperation is somewhere between orange and red. Aunts and other relatives will be on her case, reminding her of the potential benefits of marriage. Needless to mention that the most vociferous people about marriage are probably the ones stuck in bad marriages.

At 28, one or two friends would have done a grand wedding, probably aired on a TV station and she felt green with envy. She has attended a dozen baby showers and now she doesn’t mind robbing a man-at gun point-some sperms to validate her womanhood. Without a stable man around, a wedding around the corner, marriage on the horizon or a kid, she has the right to panic.

28.28.28. It is normally time to take stock of her adult life. The relationships she has been through. The men she has loved. The men she has hated. The men she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about. The men, she will date all over again. The ones who seemed so OK, only to turn up disappointments in bed. The ones she initially dated, hated and they turned just fine. That one ex, she regrets leaving. The one she left with one pair of shoes and next thing she knew, he was the regional director of some NGO. He now flies First Class. Wears shoes worth 52 K, and gets all the P in town. It happens. She has ever wanted back, but the man was professionally cool about it,

“See, I really like you, but I think coming back won’t change a thing. We will be friends and anytime you need a hand or a shoulder, I will always be there,’ that is what he told her. And actually, he once or twice did help her.

At 28, the future is either bright or disastrous. Bright, if she has the correct footing in business or the corporate world. Bright if she has found the man to take down to marital prison. It becomes disastrous when she doesn’t have her sh*t together. And more and more women are increasingly finding themselves in this familiar territory. Whereby at 28, they are acting like young girls in campus.

More to the point, mostly they know their market in the social market is diminishing, either they become bitter and bitch to compensate for their shortcomings. They adopt a false sense of confidence whereby she develops a protective shield, from the world that is increasingly becoming judgmental about stuff, she cannot control. She becomes authoritative, impatient with fools and generally bitchy and butch.

The loneliness is always evident. She starts watching mature women stuff. You know Sex and the City and Real HouseWives crappies. She is home with her electronics and teddy bear, hoping and waiting for that call. And it is about this time she decides to pick a pet. If she picks a cat, there is still room to salvage her. If she picks a dog, it is over. A woman who picks a dog for a pet is decidedly narcissist. Probably a lesbian or has severe personal limitations that only the dog can tolerate. And to hope the dog doesn’t get more rights than a man, in the bedroom…

10 Things I have learnt from parties

Here I am telling it like it is…

The Deal

Advice to all people dating: DON’T EVER GO TO A PARTY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Thank me later.

In party, the balcony is a place for making out. And a quickie for the extremely randy. And the car can just be as useful. And here are ten other very useful things from I have gathered from parties…

10. You can tell your age and class group, by the type of drinks on the table

Blue moon. Smirnoff Vodka and other drinks mostly in clear bottles that go for less than 1,200 point probably to a shindig for college kids or unemployed youths. You will probably run out it along the way. There will be guys there who drink too much but cannot contribute towards buying that extra bottle at about 10.33 pm. Plenty weed will be there to supply the new high. The ladies in these kind of parties are shady…

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10 Things I have learnt from parties

Advice to all people dating: DON’T EVER GO TO A PARTY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Thank me later.

In party, the balcony is a place for making out. And a quickie for the extremely randy. And the car can just be as useful. And here are ten other very useful things from I have gathered from parties…

10. You can tell your age and class group, by the type of drinks on the table

Blue moon. Smirnoff Vodka and other drinks mostly in clear bottles that go for less than 1,200 point probably to a shindig for college kids or unemployed youths. You will probably run out it along the way. There will be guys there who drink too much but cannot contribute towards buying that extra bottle at about 10.33 pm. Plenty weed will be there to supply the new high. The ladies in these kind of parties are shady and mostly speak in sheng. The men will probably be having smelly feet. Ragga will be the main music and bad dancing the norm.

But if you have those complicated wine bottles and whiskeys that go for something like 3,800 after a discount then you are probably old, or working. They type of music here will be house or something progressive. The women will be sophisticated, mostly with smart phones and delicately manicured or is it pedicured nails. The lips will be red. The women will be very hot, but in male company, but willing to flirt nonetheless. Just get the number. Contact her later.

9. That misplaced old person

If he or she is just cool and having a good time, it is OK. The problem starts when s/he talks too much. Or drinks too much and gains too much confidence. And here things go wrong. Like trying to force a kiss on some young lass who slaps him. Or he just becomes a wet blanket…Annoying everyone including himself.

8. How to tell those who want to get laid…

For a woman, the jumpier she is, the readier she is. For a man, beware of the unaccompanied man. Men exuding too much energy, overly enthusiastic, flirting aimlessly and flattering everywhere are having a marauding wiener telling them to look for a quick lay. Watch out their antics. They want alcohol or weed to speed up things. They are always itching to dance and will definitely stoop too low to even start some random games, some too childish-truth or dare- so that they can get around to women who are equally burning down there. They deserve each other.

A woman who dances ‘bendover’ willingly often ends up being shagged in the nearest bedroom in a flash or at the balcony, quicker than how my buddy Mwati flashes me from Nakuru. Boy, he can flash, before even M appears, he is gone.

And there are those buggers who start making out oblivious of their surrounding. It hurts especially, if they know how to do it and the lady seems to be enjoying.

The rule of the thump, any hyperactive person has some erotic mischief up their sleeve.

7. Go for the quiet chick on the sofa

There is always that one misplaced chick. She doesn’t drink. She is forcing wine on herself. She can’t dance. She is too reserved and you wonder what brought her to the party…She is vulnerable. Try your luck with her. If she can feel your small talk, don’t rush her. Take her number. Organize a coffee date with her later, preferably Thursday at 6pm. Sound like a serious man. Don’t do anything that might make her liken your IQ to that of a MPig. But follow Teddy Fischer’s advice. Don’t give her one coffee too many. Let the main thing be the main thing.

6. Don’t puke

Throwing up exposes our mortality. It exposes the Mutura you ate. It stinks. It is annoying. Especially if it happens spontaneously in the sitting room on the clean velvety carpet.

If a woman, it reduces your beauty by about 59%. It makes men around the table conclude that women can’t just handle their liquor. It makes men conclude that women who drink are stupid and loose. OK, maybe it is just me. If you throw up, chances are that you will fall asleep to conceal the embarrassment. If your boyfriend was in sight, he will court another woman to redeem his pride. He can even do…er…er.

If you are a man and you puke, you will embarrass your lass. Some man will comfort her. SIDENOTE: The word comfort meant making out in Latin in 14th century. In French it meant having sex. Things have not changed much by the way.

5. Smartphones

Smartphones are the bane of modern relationships. Can’t guys just keep their damn phones in their pockets? Everyone wants to Instagram this, update that…Shit, guys keep the damn thing after showing it. We can see it; it is an S4 or an iPhone. Keep it. Now let’s party.

4. That SON OF BITC* with music in his phone asking for the speaker jack pin

There are imbeciles who listen to Ragga after 26. If you are balding, fat, and you still dance to ragga, you deserve to be bald and fat. I am serious on this. And then there is a clique of educated individuals who dance to Valu Valu. Seriously. That is not the reason Mau Mau veterans are being compensated for.

And now there is that individual who will not be feeling the good music-HOUSE is highly elliptical for people who dance to Demarco’s kude kude or who think Riddims are the best thing to ever happen to music. If I meet someone who went to the University of Nairobi and stocks such kind of music in his electronics, I will petition they strip you your degree.

Oh back to that ma’fucker after selecting music from his phone…calm the f*** down…Take that phone back to your pocket and get your miserable self to balcony and smoke. You look dumb.

And if you stock DJ mixes in your phone, do you think that is the reason Americans have sent Curious to tour planet Mars. As in, style up, don’t stock DJ music in your phone. You look retarded. You are a disgrace to civilization.

3. Know when to leave

People who fall asleep, several estates away from where they live are stupid. If you ever asked for a place to lay your head citing some random stupid thing like an headache, you need psychiatrist more than Andrew or is it Audrey needs one. If the drinks are over and more than half the guys have left…Please, go.

2. Keep intellectual stuff out of the party

I overheard some guys talking about some GDP shit at a party, straight face and actually Googling the stuff. These are the kind of persons the phrase ‘get a life’ was invented for. And those two stupid snobbish ladies who snob the music, the food, the people and are comfortable standing by the door… And insist dragging their boyfriend out of the place…You are the devil’s daughter. A special place is prepared for you. On the left side of our MPs.

1. Keep off somebody’s girlfriend/boyfriend

You know a party was successful if someone kisses the wrong person in a planned accident. You know a party was successful if someone throws up. You know a party was successful if you helped three sets of strangers get laid in various parts of the house. More so with women who are in serious relationships.

But one thing I have learnt from parties, I won’t go with my woman to there. Nature has taught me never to trust women who drink. Call me insecure, if that can make your day, my theory is 99% accurate. In every party I have seen a man walk up a woman’s skirt with his fingers. And the woman will act as if it is normal. In many a party I have seen accidental kisses and lays that get me too concerned.

In a party, a handsome man will show up. A man better shaven than you, exudes machismo, will be there and he will be gawping at your missus, eyefucking each other and your woman and she will be squirming. She will dance with her and you will see her touch touch her inappropriately and that can spoil your mood. The men who make mistakes of going with your girlfriends end up regretting. Because Nairobi has more sexual opportunists than any other city below the equator in the world. When they know that is your chick, that is when they go after her. Really disgusting.

Trusting a woman is the biggest social challenge of the 21st century… Lemme live and die miserably alone…

The Raphael Tuju situation

It is easy to laugh at him, ridicule him, but wait until your woman cheats on you and you will know why it is not a funny experience.

For some time now, it has been in the news that Tuju’s wife cheats on him with an ex-cop, in their matrimonial bed. Interestingly, many people have been laughing at him, mercilessly tearing at his manhood, scandalously questioning his credibility in the bedroom. The wife has gotten off with mere snide and sexist remarks that brand her a winner in the situation and Tuju the villain.

To many, Tuju looks like a man who has everything going for him. He is tall, dark and handsome-reasonably (I am not allowed by my orientation to comment further on his looks). He is fabulously rich and owns a home that is the dream of more than 38 million Kenyans, of which very few will ever live it. He is an accomplished man; save for the disastrous presidential bid made worse by the calamitous attempt at using sheng to lure the youth. It rightfully backfired. Peter Kenneth’s snubbing him has been blamed on his domestic problems in some quarters.

Many would assume, nay hope, that with such, his wife wouldn’t cheat on him. Society has enough provable anecdotal evidence that the underdog gets laid with high class women as much as the alpha male. That is not the issue today.

If you have ever been cheated on by your wife or girlfriend, you are probably empathetic with the brother. If you are the understanding type, then you feel him, even if vicariously. But most people are busy deriding and denuding their relationship, with the media (whether mainstream, blogs or gutter) milking the situation for all its worth.

Men cheat on women. Women cheat on men. But for long it was sanctioned only for men and women were not allowed to taste a juice stick (pardon the pun) out here. Personally, I am for a monogamous relationship, whereby people don’t cheat on each other as long as they are in that particular relationship.

Of course there is a depressing gap between my wishful thinking and reality. I have seen women in stable relationships who are too willing to cheat around. How often has your girlfriend given out her number to a male stranger in a club? By giving her number to a stranger, it is an open invitation to her with a possible lay in the horizon. I have seen women in functional relationships cheat on their men for no apparent reason whatsoever.

First we must debunk a few myths here…

1. Women don’t cheat because the man cannot deliver in the bedroom. It is partially true that a woman can leave a man because the man can’t trace her G-spot, but lately even men who are tall, dark and handsome and hung like horse can be cheated by their girlfriends.

2. Money and wealth are no longer deterrents for women. You can be loaded like Mike Sounkow (think Nick Mutuma) but it won’t stop her from shagging some non-entity with a Samsung Galaxy.

With that in mind, here a few things I have established. The really reason women cheat is because they discovered the physical aspect of sex. That you can have a good shag anonymously, enjoy it tremendously and live without any trace of guilt whatsoever. It doesn’t matter if you are a married woman or in a stable relationship. Back then, they used to attach several strings to a sexual experience. By separating the two, they took the male rule book, read it, and revised it like they do when revising for a CPA examination and when the examination came, many passed with distinctions.

Hence all men (cheating and non-cheating) should brace themselves for a possibility of a wife or girlfriend who will cheat on them without any guilt. Their justification is simple: They are entitled to orgasms, as much as men. I know there are faithful women, but at the moment we are looking at a few and far between case. Women are experimenting also.

My friends are resigned to fate. Many have told me that you cannot tame your wife. There is a colleague at the work place she fancies. The colleague can see the ring on her finger but it makes sense to him as much as common sense means to Members of Parliament. Sad. I have seen a colleague bring a married woman flowers to the office. I asked myself; but for what reason other than to wreck her home?

What saddens me is that they can go back to their husbands, shower, get to bed-ready to serve it to the main man. What can be more treacherous! But that is the world we are living in. This is more complicated by a generation of men who have no qualms about shagging a married woman or a woman in relationship. To them it is a win-win situation: a shag with less nagging and other attendant responsibility. They get the best from the deal. The woman on the other hand has no emotional responsibility towards the man hence no guilt whatsoever.

Hence when I see men laughing at Tuju, I say if you live in a grass-thatched house avoid starting fires. There is 7/10 chance that your woman cheats on you. You will never know this of course. But it is a fact. As for me, I feel Tuju and I wish he can share with us his predicament. Not so much because he is the innocent wimp in this case, but to remind men that we are in an era of cheating women. He can also remind us that cheating is bad, both for the man and the woman.

Of course the love fades and we do get used to each other and the need to spice things up is ever rife, but I will still stick to a monogamous-non-cheating relationship. For better or for worse. If she cheats on me, that is between her and her God. I won’t call Tuju a wimp or stupid. I will empathize with him, and hope that he can live with the ridicule and come out stronger.

Nietzsche said what can’t kill you, only makes you stronger and I remind my friend Tuju to take heart. Shit happens…