Warning: This blog is for those with a sense of humour, DIRTY MINDED and those who lead realistic lives and don’t mind sexual, gender based jokes at any given time. The facts or opinions herein are confidential and not drawn from any experience of my own or that of friends:
Do we have virgins in campus?
Yes we do. I have dated one. I can attest. But they are as rare as incorruptible police men. Rarer than ice in the Sahara. Rarer than you can find an honest politician. Rarer than a happy marriage.
But quite surprisingly, you still find women who look you in the face without batting their eyelid and lie through their teeth that they are virgins. You put up that face of disbelief and they get offended.
Of course your doubts stem from the mind-blowing blow job that you just received and her uncanny foreplay methods. She goes on to explain that all the men she has met in her life, she has never done anything beyond foreplay. She has never been courageous enough to blow anyone. You are the first Mr. Lucky to receive the licking flames of her tongue.
It suffocates. It annoys. It irritates. It irks. Yet if you buy it, if only to let it role, she will be satisfied assuming that you such a sucker.
It a commonly peddled lie, and I have encountered many women who tried the virgin. I’m old enough to forgive their naiveté. If a woman tells you that she is virgin, it is a good prospect. The thought of unprotected sex quickly springs to mind. In this era, where unprotected sex with any average chick who ccomes by sex is outrageously unthinkable, it is often a welcome breather, if you can have it without the unwelcome discomfort of the condom, so much better. So much more.
So what are other lies that we listen to day in, day out in our mediocre, mundane courtships.
- She is doing the first blow job of her life with you
And you think you lucky, you lucky bastard!!!This is the current biggest lie peddled. When she tells you that you are her first, run for the hills. No sooner they tell you that, than they proceed to lick Musa with the dexterity of a profession. So where did she get the experience? From a lollipop? From Porn….?
I highly doubt. Today even the most innocent, naive woman would pull a surprise on you when she transports her hand down there, taking the joystick out and giving it a worshipful look, like it is a totem pole before doing the unthinkable.
You can tell a novice from a sexpert (sic). A novice is normally unsure but be careful about those feigned acts. A novice will wash, rinse and wipe it with saliva. With a novice you will have to hold your breath, clutch firmly onto the sheets and pray that she doesn’t bite it off, robbing you the sole reason of living. But a sexpert will give you confidence and if not careful you can spill the milk.
Too bad that all these sweet salacious lips, walking in Nairobi like their lollipop human. I have I mentioned that lately I’m afraid of kissing. Call me stupid if that will lighten up your Wednesday.
2. She broke with his last boyfriend because he was a perennial cheat.
This is a special lie. Contrary to the common assumption, not many men cheat. Only a few men can pull off cheating successfully. This player thing is unduly overplayed. Avoid any talk that revolves around the past men in her life. Treat her like a used car. Make do with the intact features, repair the mutilated ones, and move on.
She will cheat you blind. She can never disclose the number of men she has gone to bed. My vulgar friends have often joked that, down there is not a soap that ends. It is elastic. It is like a road that can be used for a million years to come. It is futile trying to establish that. So just move on.
The reasons for which they broke up are better left with her.
She can be faithful
Faithfulness is a term that has been labeled ‘archaic’ in the dating dictionary. Any chick in campus you date, chances are that she is only yours at the times she spends with you. If 24/7, you are sorted. Shocking tales of women who take their supper in Hall 9, get laid in Hall 11 and still manage to be picked at her hall in that very night are the stuff that campus legends are made off. All between 7 pm to 11pm.
Campus women make the Hollywood actors seem wobbly at their thing. They are better actors. Someone teach me how to believe. My goodness. They cry for you on how you have hurt them and before even tears roll down their cheeks they are safe and secure in the arms of another man.
And these are not my bitter or ob relationship stories.
4. She can take care of her bills
Utterly hilarious. Impossibly funny. My man PO calls them bloodsuckers. I can’t agree more with him. Women in campus are the least sympathetic. No different than those you find at Simmers, who can spike your drink and rob out blind. Only that in campus, they do it in the guise of love.
The number of men who have been left because their pockets could no longer sustain relationships in campus is startling. It is about 13, 459 of the 22, 000 regular students.
Women are better off financially while in campus. She can get money from her parents, her yuppie boyfriend, the odd sugar daddy and some even have day and night jobs. But equality in Kenya means that a woman takes care of her bills and the man takes care of the two. Failure to which, she will be forever busy.
5. She can love you
May be I’m an incurable pessimist but I’m pretty sure that you can find many things in campus but love. Academic works coupled with the freedom takes away all the love from women. It is hard to come by a woman who can commit herself to one man.
Quite ironically, women don’t believe in monogamy. Monogamy is like a prison. Women can only love men in a revolving door way. Where she affords any man who comes her way a portion of her love at a time.
So don’t be mistaken that she is yours. Forget her sobs. Forget her feigned emotions. Relish the moments you have together.
This discussion will go on.
6. Shhh!!!! Shut up the neighbour is asleep
Is there a bigger turn off, sexual irritant that a chick who makes false moaning sounds? Pretentious moaning can be annoying. While it is an ego stroker, it is extraordinarily annoying. Especially when there is any labour needed. Bony calls it, swimming in an ocean is easier because the water is salty and that density nonsense.
Now there are women who make work so easier that you wonder what the noise is all about. It keeps the neighbour awake, not with an erection with annoyed look, because most of the time they have bad voices.
Moral of the short story: Avoid chicks with deep sultry voices. They make bad sleep mates.
This discussion will go on.