10 irrevocable things about men aged 25-30

I have never fallen in love. OK, maybe once. She was almost five years younger than me. She had the graceful height of a model. She had the facial beauty of a future academician or some technocrat/bureaucrat in an institution. You know the women with good looks that just command some respect? She carried herself in some air of aristocracy and everyone warned that we were off to bad start, given that I am a ‘village’ boy.

But she ran over me and killed whatever little self-esteem that I had left. Given that I am an unpaid consultant in my circle of friends in matters relationships, I was forced to receive my own medicine. It was laughable that a girl so young could confuse a boy so old within such a short a time. I was royally embarrassed when she abandoned me, choosing instead to friendzone me, just like that. ‘It will be OK that way, by me’ she said. And with that she strategically withdrew herself and disappeared to God knows where. Hii Nairobi, mambo tumejionea.

That is the closest I have ever come to love. I was young and some of these things are better off experienced when you are younger, failure to which, the older you grow, the more cynical you become. If a man, you start regarding women as opportunists and evil people and with that you develop a very unhealthy relationship with them. If a woman, you start believing that men are unchanging and unchangeable monster who will never zip up, or mature up. Either way, we get into certain comfort zones that not even the icy July cold can get us out of.

I am now in that age where my material possessions should speak for me. If I want to get a ‘quality’ lay I must show the woman what I got. You see, in the early 20s, your knowledge of cars and electronics can impress a woman and depict you as ambitious. In the mid-20s, women ought to see that touch phoneor laptop as the hallmark of ambition or being chumed. Past that, they start demanding that you must own tangible stuff, least of all a good crib.

A good crib must be in a good neighbourhood, but that is forgivable if it is in a crowded environment like Umoja or Donholm. What is inside matters more. You must have some good Plasma TV, good carpet, a well-furnished kitchen (a refrigerator is a bigger turn on, take it from me) a good bed with the high density mattress and most importantly a clean, comfy toilet.

In the likely event that you past 25 and you don’t own this, it means that there are women who are out of your league, even if they are your colleagues in office and earn Ksh 20,000 and they don’t necessarily stay in a more decent neighbourhood than you. It means you must make do with ‘loser’ ladies who have accepted their fate just like you.

Just like when you join Form 1, you decide your life in the 20s; 25-30 is the ultimate life’s game changer. That is when the map for the rest of life is drawn by those around you, nature or even by yourself, if you are the conscious type. I have gathered 10-irrevocable facts about this instructive period and without further ado, here we examine them…

1. Some run back for their Masters
My lecturer once told us that we are so afraid of life and conquest out here that we always insist of being called students, because it safeguards us about daily realities. And that is why almost half of us were likely to be back for their masters. But, to hell with that, if there is no job and you got the money or better still you earn a scholarship, get going with that Masters. But still the job-market is bleak. It helps when you run into a nosey white friend who insists on that ‘uncultural’ habit of asking what you do…

‘I am in for my M.A’. It is actually sexy. When you are younger, it brings out the ambition in you the way weed gets the best out of you.

2. Furnish your damn crib
Want to get laid! Nothing cuts the chase like a well-furnished house. That good carpet, a good screen, home theatre with a good movie stock (but from last week you know, keep the movies away, until you straighten things out). Whether it is a bed-sitter or a one bedroom, women have a way of envisioning a blissful future together if the house looks prospective. So, it is no brainer: want them ladies in fanciful suits and who speak in English?Get your house in order, literary. Start with those long imposing curtains. Whatever about women and curtains?

3. They will come back, they always do…
The ladies formerly inaccessible, either in the neighbourhood or college will be very much accessible. If you are the vengeful type, then you can have your way. But most men are rational and come to their senses and with the benefit of hindsight; they blame it on the feminine youthful vanity of the early 20s. So don’t worry, get enough loose cash.
4. You get your first luck break
Between 25-30, get your first lucky break. I mean, pull a deal worth Kshs 500,000-1M. Make the most out of it. I don’t know but there is something about male stupidity and money. Once you get that cheque, the first idea is to take that lady that you have fancied forever after many a time to the Coast. It is like stuff tastes differently in the Coast. Won’t guys just be original?

No doubt, the lucky break will come. And that money will just evaporate by the burdensome responsibilities that surface, no sooner the community, friends and everyone gets wind of your lucky break. The most important thing is to ensure that from then on, you must have access to that cash. One thing worse in life than women after men’s money is men who used to have money and went broke. So be shrewd about it.

5. Be wise about your choice of women
Here is an unchangeable fact about life: Certain women will ruin your life. At this age, if at least marriage is not on your mind, the best saving grace is to find a woman who is not materialistic, who loves you for what you are and not what you possess or your job title and be in a stable relationship. And by the way if you succeed at that, holla at me.

6. Invest
Investment is an ambiguous term often touted by the business types, but if you have enough loose change, save it or find some lucrative business and invest it there. The difference between men who drive Benzes in their 30s and those who drive Toyotas lies in 3 things; those who steal enough from NGOs or high on unjustified salaries, those who invest the little they get and those who date women with such rides. Investment is a more certain route.

7. Choose friends wisely
Jackson Biko, one of the more respectable scribes who runs his site http://www.bikozulu.co.ke wrote a while ago about a Rehab and one thing caught my eye. All those guys had been taken there mostly by their mothers and rarely spouses. Yet, nothing bespeaks good times and friendships than the moments we share when drinking. Some of the best moments I savour in life involve bingeing. Good enough, I have quit the bottle.

I will write extensively about friendship in less than a month, check that one out.

8. Relatives
Relatives can be a bore. But here is another fact; the only guys who have your back, always are your folks. Amidst all the gossip, the back-biting, the envy, the jealousy and other vices always remember, blood is thicker than water. Period. So deal with your annoying relatives professionally, accord love those who are good and distance yourself from the bad ones. Life is good that way.

9. Revise your beliefs
We all make mistakes when we are younger. Like those who pick on Manchester or Chelsea as their premier league teams. Imagine what they miss out by not being an Arsenal fan. We only live once. In your25-30, revise these beliefs and convictions. If you have never believed in love, know it is possible. If you have, know love can hurt. Accept that you will eventually cheat on her, even if she is Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Toni Braxton and Kelly Rowland combined.

Monogamy is a calling that must be bound in strict religion otherwise it becomes tricky to survive. Also accept that she can cheat on you. I am not saying that our mothers were not cheaters, but at least they might have been more discreet.

Something reckless about women lately…

10. Things can go wrong…
Again after 25, you might lose your bearing. Things can go wrong. In fact so wrong you will wonder what real hit you. Here is the thing, more often it is never your fault. And if it is, you still have a hell of life ahead to rectify things. Nothing is ever so fatal, so finalistic unless of course it is death. Anything else, you can hack it. Nietzsche says what can’t kill you only makes you stronger. Very true.

So in the event you don’t have that roof over your head or a well-furnished house, calm down. First accept your status and be logical about stuff. Never panic. If someone you look up to is manhandling you, hurting your pride, be patient until you find a way out. One thing is for sure, there is always a way out of any misery.

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10 signs that she will be trouble for you

Griffin was anxious. The girlfriend was arriving in 10 minutes and I couldn’t tell for the life of me what was troubling him. When she arrived, I instantly knew where the problem was. She was class beyond Griffin’s grasp. And it was not class that one is born into, or buys their way into. It was the kind of class one bestows upon herself.

The kind that wakes up one day and decides if it is coffee, it can only be Java. They can’t eat chips bought off Moi Avenue on the go. They call chips fries and must be bought from Steers of Galitos. You know the type that go for wines at luncheons, high on heels and expensive outfits and only insist on talking English? Now where Griffin met her is a story for another day, but their relationship was headed nowhere. Actually, it was headed South.

Of course we have seen women with class whom we either forced into swallowing their shitty (literary) pride and drink with us at KBC or taking them to some dungeon that you will never catch them dead in their element. There is no place that a ‘classy’ woman won’t go or food that classy woman won’t take if you talk to her nicely. But they are those who can be adamant.

I thought about it and I have come up with a list of 10 things that indicate she will be trouble for you. Without much fuss, let us go on…
1. She likes too many movies
90% of all friend-zoned guys can attest that it all started on this treacherous road. You meet a girl and you start talking about stuff. Likes and dislikes. And then you venture into movies and you learn you share tastes. In your bid to impress, you forget the main thing. She then likes your library, and your recommendations but she dislikes you. Since you have been benevolent enough, she can’t dismiss you.

Now movies are better, funnier and have good looking people than you. And women are always swayed by movies. To some watching a movie is the ultimate definition of class. Once she opts to friendzone you, she will consistently opt to discuss movies or do movie dealings with you only.

Equally, never allow a movie to get into the way on your way to her wonderland. Take it from me. If a woman gets engulfed in a good movie, she can prefer the sofa to your bed. So always, keep movies away until you have had your first shag and boredom has gotten in the way. Being friendzoned is bad enough. Being friendzoned and assigned the role of a movie-provider, recomender to a woman ranks as the lowliest duties mankind can be assigned.

2. She has more 2,500 friends on Facebook and more 2000 followers on twitter
These are attention seeking whores. They are flirts at worst and date multiple men on the social networking sites. With the exception of celebrities. Seriously, a woman does not need 2500 friends on Facebook. Less than 600 friends shows that she is a prude. Between 600-1300 is healthy. 1300-2000 shows that she is active. But more than that calls for something else.

More than 2000 means she regularly posts photos from weddings as well as holidaying at the Coast. She regularly posts her mug shots with new hairstyles and she will have her cousins, nerdy friends and her crushes drooling in the comments section, where half the comments are from her.

Twitter is something else. Getting 2000 followers on Twitter requires hard work. There are some women who take the wrong approach of using nude and suggestive avis to posting very provocative tweets and brazen flirting.

The reason a man should avoid these women is because with such kind of numbers, she is likely to be online all the time, flirting and looking for something funny. And you will find difficulty holding a modest conversation with her before she fiddles her cute fingers on her touch-phone. One of these fine days I might have to strangle a woman who fiddles her phone in my presence. What recalcitrance makes one do that?
3. She can’t eat at Kosewe/Highlands/Sizzling
More than 5 times I have bought a good and pricey meal in the aforesaid restaurants and it has been returned untouched. Mostly, because the Ugali tastes yuck or the fish smelt bad. Some of these women can’t even disguise their hatred and dislike for the food. So I toil hard, I take them there and their pride gets in the way.

Immature women can be costly. Ordinarily, if the food is not OK, you would expect that they should take as much as possible. It is the only way you can thank a man for his efforts even if in the evening your yuppie boyfriend is taking you to a decent dinner. I have come to accept, any woman who will refuse to enjoy the above ‘average’ meal is the same woman who will snob your relatives and your friends she regards lowly.

Avoid any woman who can’t get along with your bad days when all you can afford is a beer at Riviera. More often than quite, they are never worth the trouble.
4. Drinks too much on a week day.
I still hold the belief that women should not drink. But if they must, they should do so honorably. Now, gentlemen avoid women who drink on weekdays. She is either a lesbian. A pervert or generally loose, if she takes too much alcohol. Take it from me.

5. Cries easily…
Every man hates the sight of a woman crying for whatever reason. There is something so emotionally disturbing about it that defies any rationality. We get weak. We are confused. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. It makes us feel like beasts.

Now here is the news. Crybabies are manipulators. They arm-twist you into forgetting the main point of concern or the source of conflict. Any woman with ready tears is a potential cause of trouble. Though, those born after 1988 seem well placed to deal with simple emotions. But mostly, women who cry are cheaters.

They are likely to cheat in a relationship just but to feel good and their guilt might drive them to report themselves. Bad for them. Avoid these women.

6. She has opinion about your friends
Any woman who has issues with your friend is trouble. Press skip on her. Your friends play a great role in your life and you must guard them from anyone who tries to come in between.

We all have bad friends. Drunkards.Those with stinky feet.Gluttons.Players.Perverts. But they do play such a significant role in our lives. If a woman makes you separate from your male friends, you are not worth your wood. And you should be castrated.
7. She compliments other men in your presence
What women have never known is that men are jealousy, we catch feelings and we can be insecure. If your woman saw you being distracted by some good dressed ass across the room, she might slap you back into your manners. They feel betrayed.

Now there are women who often feel compelled, to say something positive about another man in your presence. It could be someone taller than you in the room. Or someone handsome. Fact: By the time a woman says such a thing, be sure that she has conjured a sexual romp with the said man in her brain. I am just saying. If it is someone closer to you, you risk even losing her to him. Trust me on that.

8. She goes to Jehovah Witness or Winners Chapel or she is generally saved
Save yourself bro. If your interest is to lay such, you will have to walk a long, convoluted, circuitous route that you might be forced to give up on her altogether. I am talking of such women who are saved, more so those who belong to these denominations that are strict but can still flirt. Boy, they will eat your salary, but still can’t give it to you.

Unless you are willing to make some religious commitment, forget about her. They are never worth the trouble.

9. She talks gloriously of her ex(es)
A woman, who has not gotten over her ex, is a dangerous one. It means that if the ex still wants to deposit his spoof in her, he can still get it. Avoid her. Women miss their exes when you can’t provide something that the ex used to do.

Either the ex used to drive her crazy with multiple orgasms and you simply can’t deliver even one or used to spoil her with gifts but you can hardly afford the things her former yuppie boyfie used to do. I once took a woman to Coast by bus. She unconsciously told me that the boyfriend used to fly her down. I have never felt more wasted.

Any woman who talks about exes cannot be faithful.

10. Always free on weekends
The Nairobi proverb puts it better: There is nothing more expensive than a woman who is free and available every other weekend. This one will make you shylock all your electronic goods just but to feed her fancies.

Avoid her for two reasons; one you will go broke trying to satisfy her hedonistic and epicurean tastes. Secondly, if you can’t do it, they always have someone more loaded, than you and older who can do it. And trust me, they have them.

Bonus
11. If she belongs to GNLD and other pyramid related nonsenses
Avoid her. First she must recruit you and use you to climb those ridiculous hierarchies, then you must help them sell those sawdust tablets that help revitalize your health and clean your uro-genital system. As well those detergents that promise to kill all living and non-living germs.

I subscribe to the school that getting laid should be an easy task. If not, try the red-light. Court a woman through conventional means. If she shows any of these signs, know that you will be causing yourself avoidable problems. One more thing:
Remember there is plenty of fish in the pond, if she is too proud or problematic for you. But be sober because the fish are not into bestiality. You pervert.

Speech delivered to the finishing class of 2012, at the University of Nairobi

“Humility: The ultimate goal of university education and other important truths beyond campus”

Before I begin, I should point out that behind me in this dais, sits a politician, a clergyman, and a philanthropist, all about to be awarded an undeserved honorary degree. That should be the first lesson about life beyond college. There are a lot of undeserving, lesser qualified and real bogus individuals who running stuff in this world.

The Minister of Education, the Chairman of the council, The Vice-Chancellor, Senior and junior members of staff, dignitaries, invited guests and parents who are here purposely to fulfill their college dreams through their children and who seem to enjoy these things more than everyone else, thank you for this opportunity.

This came pretty sooner than I had anticipated. I am not the appropriate speaker for this great day. I suppose Sonko would have done better. For he embodies the true street attitude and antics that seem to be more empirically workable in today’s world than the degree or diploma you will be earning. Sonko is the epitome of everything right and wrong in our present society by default. Fortunately, he can’t speak coherent English for 27 straight minutes and besides, he is not a distinguished graduate of this fine institution. I must warn though, my speech might contain strong adult language, deal with it.

I do understand the certainty and expectant attitude of those who have been in blue-chip courses; the medics, lawyers, engineers, planners and architects. I can feel the insecurity around those who did courses in business, economics and their unrealistic expectations in the job market. I can sense the palpable anxiety of those in Arts and Anthropology whom it must be dawning that the job market is not very stratified. Never mind, these things happen.

My task, this morning is to impart practical wisdom on your days beyond campus. This is going to be more fan, funny and pragmatic than all the countless and thankless hours you have invested in order to earn your degree. Forgive the exaggeration. Of course you have had Google and Wikipedia to thank more than your lecturer or hard work. By the way respect the folks on this dais, with the exception of those after the honorary degree. They toiled the hard way. Checking stuff on your 3G smart phones is sexier, funnier and far much easier than going to the library to check on those 23 books listed on the course outline. Especially during exams.

Speaking of course outlines, by the show of hand, how many can agree that we should save our environment by not listing those ridiculous book titles that are never available, and when available they look like something William Ole Ntimama plucked during his undergrad in the mid 1960s. You don’t read them anyway, or do you? Come on, your lecturers are not here, there are no repercussions, no single mark will be taken from you. How many of you found the reading list useful? Precisely, my point.

Moving on, I want to make this day not only remarkable, but memorable and enjoyable by telling you the truth. This class of 2012 has been impressive. Of course the greatest class was that of 2011, with a possible exception of the anthropologists.

Indulge me to tell you something about the 2010 class, however briefly. That was by far the dullest, slowest and most unimpressionable lot in 47 years history of this university. Quite frankly, I hated them. They were despicable. They never inspired anything. They were lackluster, so much that when they finally left nobody noticed. I mean when we were in our second year we managed to get the chairman, the vice-chair academic affairs, the treasurer and the secretary of accommodation into the 8-seat executive arm of the student union. Beat that. And that is only our Arts class. These guys even worshipped and adored us. We were impossible. We were great. Can I have a round of applause for the 2011 class? By you not applauding, you don’t make us any less of the distinguished lot we were.

Not that I fancy this university’s student politics, real. Never have. Never will. The SONU politics has lowered the bar so low that when you look at the list of its officials since 2003, you will wonder whether; is that the best university in the region can produce? I have never seen a greedier, tribally charged bigots than those elected to SONU in the recent past. Frankly, they are no more disgraceful than the city’s chair-throwing, vulgar civic leaders. But you take comfort in the fact that even at national level; it is not so promising either. Coincidentally, the crème of our national leaders were once leaders in this inaugust union. The future can only be bleaker.

But that is now in your unchangeable past. Fast forward to June 2012, you are out of this place and you will now discover how irreversible time is. Let us now discuss more progressive stuff in the 5 points that I have outlined in this speech.

The first lesson you learn is from an analogy that you probably have read or heard about. Before sex, you are always full of desire and passion. Blood rushes in your body, unencumbered. As you approach each other, the man will indulge in the foreplay, desperately longing to get past that part that very few men enjoy. If anything he will be undressing you, cautiously and in a lovely way. Equally, with more women here very much inclined to blowing up stuff, you will often find their hand sliding down and groping with your marauding whooper as she licks it. Then you will have sex.

After sex, the man simply rolls over and sleeps. It is biological, but don’t ask me why rapists are never been arrested on spot. Mostly, you dress yourself up. That is the first lesson you will learn about life if you have not learnt already. When you are screwed, you have to pick yourself up. You will screw many things out here. Right from your job to relationships, to family and anything in between. But you will soon discover that the responsibility to fix it solely rests on you. Ladies, when you finally discover that relationship is very toxic for you and drop the sucker, it will be upon you to move on and forget him. Don’t be vengeful or wish him the worst. Men, there will women who will ruin you if you don’t watch out.

But whether you fall, knock things over, most importantly; hold your feet on the ground strong. Cry. Regret. And move on.

Lesson number two takes from number one. From now henceforth, you will be in charge of yourself. For men, you will find it increasingly difficult to live with your relatives or family and you might find yourself in the ghetto. Women are somewhat luckier because they still have a grace period. Some will be married or are already dating well off men. They can go back home. But sooner or later, a period of solitariness will set in. Whereby you will be with strange neighbours who may not know that you were in this great university. Most importantly, they won’t care even if they knew.

Landlords and caretakers will be nightmares and daymares every first ten days of the month as long as you are not employed. You better start rehearsing hide and seek tactics. Your best and closest friends might not be necessarily guys who will rescue your ass. Some will get better jobs and drop you until you find your way into their class. Borrowing the Ksh 500 or Ksh 1,000 that you barely return is not as easy out here as it was in here. The HELB money that now sits in that sewage system, courtesy of the beer or that trunk dysfunctional computer will haunt as your letters are ready for dispatch to your local chief or church. Remember the address you gave the first day you were filling those forms?

Nowadays, they want you to pay either 1000 monthly from your savings or a 5000 fine. That is the problem of having the rich working up there and having small women from USIU working as secretaries. For they don’t know the travails of an ordinary comrade from Vihiga or Mukurwe-ini.

You will discover that your younger siblings, cousins and parents expect much and better from you than you can currently deliver. Funeral programmers will start inducting you. If they get wind you are doing well, you will be invited to wedding fundraising where the bills read millions. Just but to help a man and woman legalize sex that they have already been having. Suffice to say that you are a sworn bachelor like yours truly. Good luck.

Basically, you are no longer a boy. If you commit a crime, the media will refer to you as a MAN or WOMAN. A man of this age did this or that…So brace yourself and if anything, you are now in charge. The phone calls to relatives for more cash will now be limited and instead, you will be receiving more of the same. The society is as such. Every single cent you have ever received, you will repay.

Sometimes, your expectations will exceed reality. Answers to many questions will not be found. Your closest and most trusted will screw you up. Better be ready. Your husband will cheat on you. Your wife will cheat. All you need is preparedness. Men, you need sobriety and money to prevail upon these women. Women, you will need patience and more maternal care to get the best and the most out of your husbands.

Thirdly, is a lesson that I already sneaked up there. The world is run by scum bugs. Assholes if you like. 99.7% of you loathed SONU with a passion. The other 0.3 % is actually SONU. Unfortunately, those are the guys who run the show out here. Big wigs will not be guys that you essentially fancy. The ugly, bitchy woman will be your boss. Some arrogant, balding, man who looks expectant (due respect to expectant ladies) will be your boss. Some guys so full of themselves that they regularly hug their shadows hold so much power in the corporate and civic world. They will ruin your day…Guaranteed.

You will look at yourself as cleverer, more polished to be involved the corporate drama or politics and that is why, guys you generally thought they had lost bearing in campus will probably drive ahead of you. The ladies who got screwed the most will have the grandest wedding on TV and the prudes will be pregnant within two years and abandoned. I just don’t know how life goes. Never judge. Accept the temerity of the scum bugs and their daredevil antics and all will be well.

If you can’t fight your way, by merit or through politics to the top, just shut the fuck up and be content with what you have. In every company, the top brass are possibly the hated, but funny enough, they get things done. It is a corrupt world out here still and Chinua Achebe was right: whom you know is more important than what you know. Qualifications are overrated. Merit is a term only used by the corporate class and politicians to impress. Their relatives, boyfriends and gigolos will always get the first chance. Even if it is a priced company known for competence or has holy name like Transparency this or that. But things will change. Hopefully, in our lifetime.

You live in an era of highly stupid Hollywood shows such as the Kadarshians. A show about women shaving their pubes and worrying about the colour of their poo-poo in a doctor’s room but you like it that way. They are more interesting than the politicians our newsrooms beam to our living rooms every evening. Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Rihanna are more influential than the next Albert Einstein.

The fourth lesson is tied to the third. It is about awards. You should have discovered that awards do not necessarily go to the most deserving. Like the honorary degrees here. True story. Unless for straight competitions like athletics where the winner can be seen. But even so, the Kalenjins have rendered long-distance running untenable. Whenever they show up, it is taken.

Where it is a question of judging using a panel, forget about it. The awards become more political than anything else. Chinua Achebe has never won a Nobel. That doesn’t make him any less of the best Africa has. Some of the footballers you know, especially, English have been over-praised, you wonder. Women, you have seen women who have won things through the bedroom route than in the boardroom. Those elevated more by their looks than the set guidelines.

It has always happened. And will not stop. So invest in individual merit. Do your best in everything you do and do your part. Don’t fret. Sometimes you will be overworked. Often you will meet an employee so slow, you will question God’s judgment in creating him or her. But God has put you there to show the difference. To show the better way. If you have a degree, you are above gossip. For women, know you are intellectually superior to your mother in-law, hence you should have a more skilled way of dealing with her and the meddlesome in-laws who won’t be served tea in smaller mugs without causing a storm in those very cups and the fat aunts who know how to count the meat pieces in your Pilau.

So there are no awards for everyone, but you can reward your lover, your friend and those who touch you. It could be your ever helpful neighbor. The reliable shopkeeper. That electrician. That cousin. There are good people. Just know the world by design is unfair .Found your place.

My final lesson is on the ultimate role education, more so, university education.

Three years ago, a South Sudanese national was shooting an education documentary and sought my help as a freelance writer/journalist. Typical of me, I had to refer him to one of the leading educationist in the country, Dr Eda Gachukia, the proprietor of Riara Group of Schools. On the day I had secured the interview, I had a CAT and I picked on my charismatic but very arrogant cousin of mine to accompany my Sudanese friend.

I have never met Dr Gachukia in person but I have heard a lot of great stuff about her, given she is part of the rich tradition of this fine institution. When they came back, my cousin, who is by the way one of the sharpest and shrewdest mind in the land told me and I quote,

“That’s what education should to person: Humble you. Period. That woman is so humble to a fault.” My cousin had been touched beyond words. That went just to affirm, what I have always believed in.

Humility. Extremely few people have access to higher education like you in this country. Even fewer get to this great university. But you are not necessarily better or wiser. For the guys who run this country, are not those with degrees. But the diplomas from the school of mass communication. The nurses from the medical training centers and the unschooled traders who are the bedrock of this economy. So your degree, MBA or PhD does not in any way elevate you to a superior being. Never.

The theses you have written, the highly esoteric term papers and your erudite arguments that you hold daily are not helpful if they don’t shape the lives of the less privileged. You have been enlightened and you have a bigger task of ensuring a more representative society, where goods and services are more equitably distributed. A country where there is freedom accompanied by responsibility and upholding of the rule of law.

That will be enough for today. You will learn more by yourself. Like in your life here, if you look back, the guys you cheated exams with, the guys who gave you Ksh 200 to buy condoms are not necessarily your clansmen. You should have discovered that you have reaped a lot from the diversity and differences of those you have met here and you should by all means replicate the same at national level, by being more tolerant and wiser if the university has gone through you.

Remember the world can run without you. Osama bin Laden is gone. Hosni Mubarak and that other dictator from Tunisia are gone. Muammar Gadaffi, for all his supposedly noble Pan-African ideas, is gone. Mugabe will go. Putin will go. Nothing lasts forever. We are all dispensable. And yes, the world can run without you.

Some of your friends will do better than you. You will do better than others. Some will marry. Some won’t. Some will turn gay. Some will go on to do bizarre things that will shock the entire country. Nothing is definite. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is given. All you need is preparedness to deal with whatever life throws at you.

What will be your place? Wherever it is, find it. And be patient. God’s time is the best.

Congratulations to the class of 2012.
Can the real life begin?

I dreamt up that speech.