I have never fallen in love. OK, maybe once. She was almost five years younger than me. She had the graceful height of a model. She had the facial beauty of a future academician or some technocrat/bureaucrat in an institution. You know the women with good looks that just command some respect? She carried herself in some air of aristocracy and everyone warned that we were off to bad start, given that I am a ‘village’ boy.
But she ran over me and killed whatever little self-esteem that I had left. Given that I am an unpaid consultant in my circle of friends in matters relationships, I was forced to receive my own medicine. It was laughable that a girl so young could confuse a boy so old within such a short a time. I was royally embarrassed when she abandoned me, choosing instead to friendzone me, just like that. ‘It will be OK that way, by me’ she said. And with that she strategically withdrew herself and disappeared to God knows where. Hii Nairobi, mambo tumejionea.
That is the closest I have ever come to love. I was young and some of these things are better off experienced when you are younger, failure to which, the older you grow, the more cynical you become. If a man, you start regarding women as opportunists and evil people and with that you develop a very unhealthy relationship with them. If a woman, you start believing that men are unchanging and unchangeable monster who will never zip up, or mature up. Either way, we get into certain comfort zones that not even the icy July cold can get us out of.
I am now in that age where my material possessions should speak for me. If I want to get a ‘quality’ lay I must show the woman what I got. You see, in the early 20s, your knowledge of cars and electronics can impress a woman and depict you as ambitious. In the mid-20s, women ought to see that touch phoneor laptop as the hallmark of ambition or being chumed. Past that, they start demanding that you must own tangible stuff, least of all a good crib.
A good crib must be in a good neighbourhood, but that is forgivable if it is in a crowded environment like Umoja or Donholm. What is inside matters more. You must have some good Plasma TV, good carpet, a well-furnished kitchen (a refrigerator is a bigger turn on, take it from me) a good bed with the high density mattress and most importantly a clean, comfy toilet.
In the likely event that you past 25 and you don’t own this, it means that there are women who are out of your league, even if they are your colleagues in office and earn Ksh 20,000 and they don’t necessarily stay in a more decent neighbourhood than you. It means you must make do with ‘loser’ ladies who have accepted their fate just like you.
Just like when you join Form 1, you decide your life in the 20s; 25-30 is the ultimate life’s game changer. That is when the map for the rest of life is drawn by those around you, nature or even by yourself, if you are the conscious type. I have gathered 10-irrevocable facts about this instructive period and without further ado, here we examine them…
1. Some run back for their Masters
My lecturer once told us that we are so afraid of life and conquest out here that we always insist of being called students, because it safeguards us about daily realities. And that is why almost half of us were likely to be back for their masters. But, to hell with that, if there is no job and you got the money or better still you earn a scholarship, get going with that Masters. But still the job-market is bleak. It helps when you run into a nosey white friend who insists on that ‘uncultural’ habit of asking what you do…
‘I am in for my M.A’. It is actually sexy. When you are younger, it brings out the ambition in you the way weed gets the best out of you.
2. Furnish your damn crib
Want to get laid! Nothing cuts the chase like a well-furnished house. That good carpet, a good screen, home theatre with a good movie stock (but from last week you know, keep the movies away, until you straighten things out). Whether it is a bed-sitter or a one bedroom, women have a way of envisioning a blissful future together if the house looks prospective. So, it is no brainer: want them ladies in fanciful suits and who speak in English?Get your house in order, literary. Start with those long imposing curtains. Whatever about women and curtains?
3. They will come back, they always do…
The ladies formerly inaccessible, either in the neighbourhood or college will be very much accessible. If you are the vengeful type, then you can have your way. But most men are rational and come to their senses and with the benefit of hindsight; they blame it on the feminine youthful vanity of the early 20s. So don’t worry, get enough loose cash.
4. You get your first luck break
Between 25-30, get your first lucky break. I mean, pull a deal worth Kshs 500,000-1M. Make the most out of it. I don’t know but there is something about male stupidity and money. Once you get that cheque, the first idea is to take that lady that you have fancied forever after many a time to the Coast. It is like stuff tastes differently in the Coast. Won’t guys just be original?
No doubt, the lucky break will come. And that money will just evaporate by the burdensome responsibilities that surface, no sooner the community, friends and everyone gets wind of your lucky break. The most important thing is to ensure that from then on, you must have access to that cash. One thing worse in life than women after men’s money is men who used to have money and went broke. So be shrewd about it.
5. Be wise about your choice of women
Here is an unchangeable fact about life: Certain women will ruin your life. At this age, if at least marriage is not on your mind, the best saving grace is to find a woman who is not materialistic, who loves you for what you are and not what you possess or your job title and be in a stable relationship. And by the way if you succeed at that, holla at me.
Investment is an ambiguous term often touted by the business types, but if you have enough loose change, save it or find some lucrative business and invest it there. The difference between men who drive Benzes in their 30s and those who drive Toyotas lies in 3 things; those who steal enough from NGOs or high on unjustified salaries, those who invest the little they get and those who date women with such rides. Investment is a more certain route.
7. Choose friends wisely
Jackson Biko, one of the more respectable scribes who runs his site http://www.bikozulu.co.ke wrote a while ago about a Rehab and one thing caught my eye. All those guys had been taken there mostly by their mothers and rarely spouses. Yet, nothing bespeaks good times and friendships than the moments we share when drinking. Some of the best moments I savour in life involve bingeing. Good enough, I have quit the bottle.
I will write extensively about friendship in less than a month, check that one out.
Relatives can be a bore. But here is another fact; the only guys who have your back, always are your folks. Amidst all the gossip, the back-biting, the envy, the jealousy and other vices always remember, blood is thicker than water. Period. So deal with your annoying relatives professionally, accord love those who are good and distance yourself from the bad ones. Life is good that way.
9. Revise your beliefs
We all make mistakes when we are younger. Like those who pick on Manchester or Chelsea as their premier league teams. Imagine what they miss out by not being an Arsenal fan. We only live once. In your25-30, revise these beliefs and convictions. If you have never believed in love, know it is possible. If you have, know love can hurt. Accept that you will eventually cheat on her, even if she is Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Toni Braxton and Kelly Rowland combined.
Monogamy is a calling that must be bound in strict religion otherwise it becomes tricky to survive. Also accept that she can cheat on you. I am not saying that our mothers were not cheaters, but at least they might have been more discreet.
Something reckless about women lately…
10. Things can go wrong…
Again after 25, you might lose your bearing. Things can go wrong. In fact so wrong you will wonder what real hit you. Here is the thing, more often it is never your fault. And if it is, you still have a hell of life ahead to rectify things. Nothing is ever so fatal, so finalistic unless of course it is death. Anything else, you can hack it. Nietzsche says what can’t kill you only makes you stronger. Very true.
So in the event you don’t have that roof over your head or a well-furnished house, calm down. First accept your status and be logical about stuff. Never panic. If someone you look up to is manhandling you, hurting your pride, be patient until you find a way out. One thing is for sure, there is always a way out of any misery.