The person who discovered the watermelon was a retard. That is the worst accident in the history of humanity. It is too watery and nauseatingly tasteless. It is huge and ugly. So much that in America it is associated with blacks and stupidity. I hate watermelons. They say it improves the quality of semen and the quantity of sperms but that is BS.
(SIDE-NOTE) How come that money always follows the most stupid chaps in town? I have a feeling that if you are stupid, there is an innate magnet in you that attracts money.
Now that I have your attention; let us talk about Movie guys. You know them. They are at every corner in your estate and every 50cm in Nairobi’s CBD selling pirated movies for Ksh 50.
(By the way, how come movie makers and musicians have never discovered that it does not make any economic sense selling 27 albums/movies in Nakumatt at Ksh 1200? What if they sold them cheaply at Ksh 50 beating the pirates at their own game? Imagine if they sold 200,000 copies countrywide, that will be a cool Ksh 10,000,000,000.)
Anyway I was walking home the other night when I saw Kevin Hart in the big-screen of some movie-selling shop, jumping on stage in what looked like a stand-up comedy. I hate Kevin Hart. He is a short man and he has all the short men’s insecurities. That stupid movie that pitied him with Megan Good was a Hollywood fail. The bugger is highly overrated and I have tried to understand why he is famous and it is keeping awake many a night. I ran into an article about his chequered rise to stardom in the Time Magazine a few months ago, but it was as helpful as Ole Lenku during the Westgate Siege.
I had asked my boy Bon-I what makes Kevin a hit, and he told me that he is a great actor (my foot!) and he urged me, to try his new stand-up. Bon-I’s taste of music and movies is comparable to Sonko’s taste of common sense. But I obliged. I went to my movie guy and he gave me a 2004 stand up where he teamed up with Katt Williams and Aries Spears. He ruined the whole thing, though Katt as usual was as good, when he is not being scatological. My movie guy is just as ignorant as all other movie guys and is given to mumble anything that will make him sound chic and ahead of everyone else in their business.
To make this very short story longer, I had bought myself an avocado for Ksh 40. That is just gross. Ksh 40 is enough fair to take you out of the country to Rongai(Paul Omondi), Limuru(Sharon), Naivasha(Miriam), Ngong(PO), Mlolongo(Lady Cherriness) when there is less traffic. OK, that is a lame joke, I take it back.
Avocadoes are used in Kisii to hit dogs or scare away birds. I harbor suicidal feelings when I buy a huge avocado for more than ten shillings. I feel cheated, violated, insulted. The same feeling you get when you buy fish at Ksh 400 in Kisumu. I hate Kisumu by the way.
Anyway, I decided to go and inquire if it was the latest Kevin Hart stand up. They helpfully agreed. While I stood there waiting, this lady came their and struck a very familiar conversation that made me realise something in a flash: The movie guys treated her respectfully and she actually felt their vibe. I was lost. She looked the type who will curve a nigger if he does not show up his smartphone pronto. You know the type that orders unpronounceable wines if show them you have the money.
She was in a deep pink top and her boobs were erect. She had a short black skirt with the hemline above the knee giving you a foretaste of her thighs. They could be eaten with any starch serving, preferably with that Pishori Pearl rice in a blue sachet. She wore some fancy weave, was light-skinned and spoke in fluent Swahili or pure English. I wonder what she was doing in Umoja. She looked South B/Cish or Lang’ata at worst. She was easy and at home as she went through the latest collection of movies which was not a good one, given her displeasure. But you should have seen how the men were handling her. All the three of them…I gathered:
1. Movie men are well groomed
I will dial my guy Woody to ask him if it is a requirement by the Kanjo that movie-guys groom themselves metrosexually. They wear some fancy jeans, use some nice cologne, and they have an irresistible penchant for white T-shirts and showy bling. They are arguably, the hottest casually dressed men in town. They all want to stand out. Add to that their surprising intellectual knack for a good conversation and you have a potential girlfriend snatcher.
Given movie watching is the latest longest running fad, ever since Kenya and Nairobi Cinema died; these men are exposed to some of the hottest women in town. And make no mistake; some of them are good at lobbying for sex. And women are often attracted to well-groomed person since he is either gay and caring, or romantic. A win-win situation.
1. Their pseudo-knowledge on movies gives them an edge
Women naturally prefer men who are knowledgeable. I don’t how true this psychologically cheap statement is. Some of my hottest crushes have ended up with the slowest, most stupid men in town. I am not complaining, but it is nature’s balancing act.
But listen to those movie boys recommend a movie to a girl will make you envious at their sheer grasp of the right movie genre for everyone. They know their trade. I don’t watch so many movies, but 7/10 of their recommendations have invariably proved bigger disappointment than Kenyan Comedy at the moment.
But I am sure to women, they make any chick-flick sound the most creative production out Hollywood as of yet.
2. They are organized.
Movie guys are organized and women prefer men who look organized. That is a plus for them.
3. So much loose change in their hands
Given that so much money passes their hands, they have a lot of disposable income that they can afford young girls in estates good stuff in life like Chips and Chicken, Burgers and even Pizza if there is a Galitos nearby. More to the point, when everything else fails, they can use money to get some. Like bus conductors in past they are the new hits in town.
4. They know the right movie for the right moment
Most of the women you see around town are closet porn addicts. By virtue of reading 50-Shades of Grey in public, it shows the kind of suppressed fantasies they wield around. Trust the movie guys to know the diverse taste of the movies that women are watching. Long story, details will emerge sooner or later.
5. They can read minds of women easily
Mostly women don’t know the exact thing they want. That is why they are spoilt for choice. Anyone who makes it easy for them can score easily. And movie guys soon or later learn the specific tastes of women and they furnish them and sometimes they can make home deliveries. Home deliveries, if anyone understands me.
Anyway, I also bought some two NatGeo documentary to help aid the potential disappointment Kevin Hart my wrought. And I urge every man to monitor their woman and their movie guys…May be. I say may be.