Advice to all people dating: DON’T EVER GO TO A PARTY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Thank me later.
In party, the balcony is a place for making out. And a quickie for the extremely randy. And the car can just be as useful. And here are ten other very useful things from I have gathered from parties…
10. You can tell your age and class group, by the type of drinks on the table
Blue moon. Smirnoff Vodka and other drinks mostly in clear bottles that go for less than 1,200 point probably to a shindig for college kids or unemployed youths. You will probably run out it along the way. There will be guys there who drink too much but cannot contribute towards buying that extra bottle at about 10.33 pm. Plenty weed will be there to supply the new high. The ladies in these kind of parties are shady and mostly speak in sheng. The men will probably be having smelly feet. Ragga will be the main music and bad dancing the norm.
But if you have those complicated wine bottles and whiskeys that go for something like 3,800 after a discount then you are probably old, or working. They type of music here will be house or something progressive. The women will be sophisticated, mostly with smart phones and delicately manicured or is it pedicured nails. The lips will be red. The women will be very hot, but in male company, but willing to flirt nonetheless. Just get the number. Contact her later.
9. That misplaced old person
If he or she is just cool and having a good time, it is OK. The problem starts when s/he talks too much. Or drinks too much and gains too much confidence. And here things go wrong. Like trying to force a kiss on some young lass who slaps him. Or he just becomes a wet blanket…Annoying everyone including himself.
8. How to tell those who want to get laid…
For a woman, the jumpier she is, the readier she is. For a man, beware of the unaccompanied man. Men exuding too much energy, overly enthusiastic, flirting aimlessly and flattering everywhere are having a marauding wiener telling them to look for a quick lay. Watch out their antics. They want alcohol or weed to speed up things. They are always itching to dance and will definitely stoop too low to even start some random games, some too childish-truth or dare- so that they can get around to women who are equally burning down there. They deserve each other.
A woman who dances ‘bendover’ willingly often ends up being shagged in the nearest bedroom in a flash or at the balcony, quicker than how my buddy Mwati flashes me from Nakuru. Boy, he can flash, before even M appears, he is gone.
And there are those buggers who start making out oblivious of their surrounding. It hurts especially, if they know how to do it and the lady seems to be enjoying.
The rule of the thump, any hyperactive person has some erotic mischief up their sleeve.
7. Go for the quiet chick on the sofa
There is always that one misplaced chick. She doesn’t drink. She is forcing wine on herself. She can’t dance. She is too reserved and you wonder what brought her to the party…She is vulnerable. Try your luck with her. If she can feel your small talk, don’t rush her. Take her number. Organize a coffee date with her later, preferably Thursday at 6pm. Sound like a serious man. Don’t do anything that might make her liken your IQ to that of a MPig. But follow Teddy Fischer’s advice. Don’t give her one coffee too many. Let the main thing be the main thing.
6. Don’t puke
Throwing up exposes our mortality. It exposes the Mutura you ate. It stinks. It is annoying. Especially if it happens spontaneously in the sitting room on the clean velvety carpet.
If a woman, it reduces your beauty by about 59%. It makes men around the table conclude that women can’t just handle their liquor. It makes men conclude that women who drink are stupid and loose. OK, maybe it is just me. If you throw up, chances are that you will fall asleep to conceal the embarrassment. If your boyfriend was in sight, he will court another woman to redeem his pride. He can even do…er…er.
If you are a man and you puke, you will embarrass your lass. Some man will comfort her. SIDENOTE: The word comfort meant making out in Latin in 14th century. In French it meant having sex. Things have not changed much by the way.
Smartphones are the bane of modern relationships. Can’t guys just keep their damn phones in their pockets? Everyone wants to Instagram this, update that…Shit, guys keep the damn thing after showing it. We can see it; it is an S4 or an iPhone. Keep it. Now let’s party.
4. That SON OF BITC* with music in his phone asking for the speaker jack pin
There are imbeciles who listen to Ragga after 26. If you are balding, fat, and you still dance to ragga, you deserve to be bald and fat. I am serious on this. And then there is a clique of educated individuals who dance to Valu Valu. Seriously. That is not the reason Mau Mau veterans are being compensated for.
And now there is that individual who will not be feeling the good music-HOUSE is highly elliptical for people who dance to Demarco’s kude kude or who think Riddims are the best thing to ever happen to music. If I meet someone who went to the University of Nairobi and stocks such kind of music in his electronics, I will petition they strip you your degree.
Oh back to that ma’fucker after selecting music from his phone…calm the f*** down…Take that phone back to your pocket and get your miserable self to balcony and smoke. You look dumb.
And if you stock DJ mixes in your phone, do you think that is the reason Americans have sent Curious to tour planet Mars. As in, style up, don’t stock DJ music in your phone. You look retarded. You are a disgrace to civilization.
3. Know when to leave
People who fall asleep, several estates away from where they live are stupid. If you ever asked for a place to lay your head citing some random stupid thing like an headache, you need psychiatrist more than Andrew or is it Audrey needs one. If the drinks are over and more than half the guys have left…Please, go.
2. Keep intellectual stuff out of the party
I overheard some guys talking about some GDP shit at a party, straight face and actually Googling the stuff. These are the kind of persons the phrase ‘get a life’ was invented for. And those two stupid snobbish ladies who snob the music, the food, the people and are comfortable standing by the door… And insist dragging their boyfriend out of the place…You are the devil’s daughter. A special place is prepared for you. On the left side of our MPs.
1. Keep off somebody’s girlfriend/boyfriend
You know a party was successful if someone kisses the wrong person in a planned accident. You know a party was successful if someone throws up. You know a party was successful if you helped three sets of strangers get laid in various parts of the house. More so with women who are in serious relationships.
But one thing I have learnt from parties, I won’t go with my woman to there. Nature has taught me never to trust women who drink. Call me insecure, if that can make your day, my theory is 99% accurate. In every party I have seen a man walk up a woman’s skirt with his fingers. And the woman will act as if it is normal. In many a party I have seen accidental kisses and lays that get me too concerned.
In a party, a handsome man will show up. A man better shaven than you, exudes machismo, will be there and he will be gawping at your missus, eyefucking each other and your woman and she will be squirming. She will dance with her and you will see her touch touch her inappropriately and that can spoil your mood. The men who make mistakes of going with your girlfriends end up regretting. Because Nairobi has more sexual opportunists than any other city below the equator in the world. When they know that is your chick, that is when they go after her. Really disgusting.
Trusting a woman is the biggest social challenge of the 21st century… Lemme live and die miserably alone…