2010 Laughing Points

2010 offered some of the best insights into my social, academic and financial life. Here are a few things that are worth making note of in the spirit of sharing some end year laughter like that. This is a collection of some of the things, events or jokes that generated that cheerful laughter…Some might be too local….and the humour might be lost in the simplicity of my mode of transmission.
1. That ATM machine and the male size issue at the urinal
Bony must have picked this from some blog…when it comes to the ATM machines, those with large balances can afford the luxury of standing a few inches from the machine so that whoever who is looking can have a glimpse into of the balance, even for bragging sake…And this is so for those who are well-hung down there at the urinal. Those who lean too close to the wall, or try to cover their stuff must be size-disadvantaged. This is almost scientifically verifiable…dudes next time someone stands inches from the urinal just steal a look at his wee-wee and for sure you will notice…but be careful lest you be taken for being gay…
2. Does the AON on the MAN U t-shirt mean ‘Afraid of Nasri’?
This came from Maina Kageni on Monday night during the Arsenal match on Monday Last week at Soccer City, Klub 1. Trust Arsenal fans to try and convert the initials into something else. Do you remember the AIG, Arsenal Is Good/Great?
3. The most romantic line ever written by me
We were winding our third year at KBC and having some easy talk like that when guys started hurling all manner of jokes towards me with regards to my crush on some girl in our class when Katsy, in his huge load of wisecracks unleashed this:
“That Silo, the most romantic line you have ever told Carol(not her name) is “Good Night” and you were too tipsy.”
Katana also simplified a talk I was organising titled “Manxiety: is feminine independence a threat to masculinity?”To simply mean… Carol Amenikazia vitu.
4. Let Matonya sing please…
I was in a Matatu from Westlands when Matonya’s popular tune Anisa was playing and this typical Nairobian chick was singing in a pertubingly high pitch to everyone’s irritation. It took this middle-aged man with a deceptively humble face to put an end to her self absorption into that  famous bongo tune…
THE MZEE: Hey Msichana, wimbo mzuri sana, huo ni wimbo wa nani?(asked in a very honest way).
THE GIRL:(genuinely excited and Sincere)Si ni Matonya.
MZEE: (In a subtly impatient voice)Na si umwache aimbe basi…
The meanest thing, but it saved us her irritating voice.
5. The most interesting phone call


Together with my bunch of friends, we have a habit of flattering women rather badly. At one point, one chick once told me that we can flatter someone until she slims. In the same line we have a way of attacking female strangers and always flirting and flattering with them, occasionally to riskier extents.
Now some two months ago I met some hot mama at Club Sound. She had that fetching smile that normally disarms me. I went to her table had a few words with her and got her number. I called the following day for Ice Cream, but apparently she was nursing her hang over…Then I gave PO the duty and responsibility of ensuring that we lure the lady into town and see we can have something going on.
She didn’t turn up after the first phone call….she was busy in class…this women from Strathmore. We had instructed her  to pick a joint of her choice but she didn’t turn up all together…Then PO made this call:
PO: You didn’t turn up the other day…
MARGRET: I was not able, I was kinda buzy…but I will be in town on Wednesday afternoon…
PO: Is it possible we hook up then?
MARGRET: Sure, we can meet,
PO: Which place can be convenient for you…?
MARGET:No, Just pick the place, I will be comfortable…
PO: Well….let’s see…will the The Nolfolk be OK for you…
PUNCHLINE
MARGRET: Kwani, you work there?
Truly…we don’t even come closer to anyone who works in a Five Star…

6. The easiest way to lose a phone
We began our fourth year in a rather dramatic fashion…
I was with PO doing lunch at CCU, when I spotted this irresistibly beautiful woman with some pair of feet that I could have with Chapatti for supper, any day… I murmured to PO who opened up a conversation with her. She was responsive in the comrade way, so we decided to chase her up to Chiromo, having some easy talk with her…like that. She was intelligent, spoke some nice, fashionable English and we were convinced that we had hit gold.

When we asked for her number, she denounced and took a serious stance…Ostensibly, she doesn’t suffer stalkers…we pleaded but our pleas fell on deaf ears…time was running out.
Now there is a small psychological joke that we normally run on such women… I threatened to leave my phone with her so that I can call her to my phone…She took the phone and disappeared into the building leaving us stranded looking like lost goats….nay…sheep is much like it…
Anyway she did bring the phone, after switching it off for awhile, only to find us stranded. The phone had all the important numbers that my life is so much is pegged on…
I got the number after further pleading and the rest as they say is history…
7. Showing up dressed like Fundis
We once showed in town with my Cuzo Patrick dressed like clowns to check on a pal called Joe. Joe is your witty, young man with ready one liners that can kill you. Joe, never one to miss an opportunity to diss us, asked what we were up to…
“How dare you dresse like this…If my corporate friends showed up, I will be forced to forge a call…
“Hi…the Fundis have arrived…”
8. PO being threatened to be locked in by some chick in class
PO was recently threatened to be locked in.
REASON: He had called some lady in class and asked her out. The lady, so much consumed in her insecurities met him and gave her a piece of her mind that included threatening to lock him in the coolers. We all lost our respect for that lady. That was SO ILL-ADVISED…
The list is not very conclusive but we did have our moments…we laughed…we cried…but it was a learning experience and good ride while it lasted…
Bye, merry XMAS AND SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, SAME PLACE, WITH BETTER CONTENT.

8 Things 2010 has taught me

In some six ugly months, I will be chucking out of college. So much to do, so little time and yet so much unaccomplished. College offers some false sense of security. Constant and consistent flow of water and electricity, verdant green lawns, paved walkways, beautiful women and more importantly the unbridled freedom will be gone. And God, how fast time flies. !!!!

I have learnt many things in this year that is coming to an end and I would like to share them with you. They need not to be agreeable….

1. College life has an end
College life often screeches to a regrettable end, especially if you don’t have put your house in order. All the comfort will be gone. It is painfully sad, but inexorable. Get yourself a job or save your second semester loan my fellow comrades for rent, probably in some ghetto. Never mind Robert Frost summed life in the three most memorable words…LIFE GOES ON…
2. On women and faithfulness

This year I encountered form of social evil that is repulsive to me but nonetheless an eye opener. A number of young women otherwise in ‘functional’ relationship have slept with my friends right in front of my eyes, citing flimsy reasons such as that their boyfriends are not treating them well.

I’m certain that infidelity will be a natural part of our existence from now hence forth. Religion does not deter either sex from cheating. Women are now a top of their game. How they manage it, I don’t know. Won’t some female friend explain? I loathe cheating…if only there was something I could about it. Women are now slyer than the next fox and men would rather learn to deal with it.
3. On love
Future lexicographers (dictionary makers) might consider classifying the word love as ‘archaic’. No such a thing. In this Nairobi where you can meet a hot woman who instantly demands sex from you simply because you are tall or you drive, we living in tough times. Women don’t believe in love. Men, neither. What we have now is convenience relationships that bring anyone whatever he or she wants at the moment. Mostly, everyone is after the elusive good sex and by that we are creating a society of loose young people who believe that alcohol and sex are the order of the weekend. I hate it when they cry that they have been cheated on when essentially, they pulled the first.
4. On Human beings and gratefulness
Human beings are normally ungrateful. Don’t expect much. Just do your part in the giving and expect less. Your efforts might go unrecognized and someone else more often that not will take the credit. But take heart. Always be nice to anyone around you…you just can’t tell who can return the favour.
5. Friends are wonderful
They say, the best things in life are free. The best gifts of nature according to me are friends. I have wonderful friends. I thank God. Alex, Bony, Paul, Kevin, Paulo, Davy Gitau, and the rest I cannot necessarily mention here, I really value and treasure you and believe that ours is an eternal venture. We shall be there for everyone as always, forever more.
6. Women and loyalty
Women have what I can term as a shifting loyalty to everything in life. Unlike us men, who pick something and stick to it, for better or worse, women are quite a creation.

For instance, yours truly is a big Arsenal fan. In good and bad (more often than not) times, I have stuck with Arsenal. I love Nivea products and can eat all the fish in Lake Victoria. I’m faithful, consistent and loyal to all my friends, male or female. And all men I know subscribe to certain things to which they have permanently decided to be in love with. It is called loyalty.

Women are loyal to a million things. There isn’t anything specific that they dutifully obey and subscribe to. Today they support Manchester, tomorrow, Arsenal or Chelsea. It is funny that it always, curiously coincides with her switching from one relationship to the next.

I’m more angered by the ease with which they move from one relationship to the next. It is as simple as shutting the toilet sink. I hate it when they cheat on their faithful boyfriends. If boyfriends are not so faithful, I advise they walk out…two wrongs don’t make a right.
7. Spending on women
If you intend to spend on women for a sexual reward, you better make it crystal clear from the outset. Women have the callous and uncanny way of working on the presumption that a man can extend a favour without expecting anything in return. It is plain selfish and stupid. I don’t even know where they get such ideas. So, all I ask men is that make your intentions crystal clear from the onset, otherwise, they will eat your money, without chirping in, when you ask for a sexual favour, all they have to say is that, they are either in a relationship or not interested in dating. For your troubles, they will consider you as a generous friend.

It is not a compliment.

8. God Provides
How I have made it to the end of this year, I don’t Know. I thank God for being there for me. In both my strong and weak moments. In my sinful and righteous moments. It is my prayers that God showers us with all blessings and empower us to fight the evil forces.

ERA OF MANXIETY

By SILAS NYANCHWANI

May you live in interesting times
-Ancient Chinese curse

We are living in interesting times in deed. Difficult for men, perhaps. When it is a woman passing you a lighter in a night club as if it were salt in a hotel, you certainly begin to get worried. When women are drinking from the brown bottles, or strong alcoholic drinks with labels such as crying tigers, beckoning you to follow your instincts, or a lion sweating near a mountain, or something named after a Turkish goddess, you begin to have this unsettling feeling that we don’t have homemaking wives in future. Not in the least when you enter the club together in the evening and are huddled together in the morning with your girlfriend.

When you are in popular joints and half of the women are dressed in football jerseys, no less noisy than men cheering their favourite club and jeering the opponents, you can’t help but appreciate that women in deed wanted equality. Equal job opportunities; equal political opportunities; equal going out opportunities; equal cheating rights; equal hanging out rights; equal sports fanaticism rights; and all other bad habits that were a preserve of men.

Women have now crowded the male space. Whether it is a latent, unconscious or conscientious admission that it is in deed cool being a man in the cosmic battle of the sexes is another matter altogether. But the phrases women empowerment, gender equity and parity, portend more grief for men than anything else in the world. Forget nuclear power. Forget Osama and terrorism. The terrorism we should be afraid of is feminine terrorism. That it is emanating from Kenyan women, led by Nairobian women, makes the next few years quite a bumpy ride for men.

Well, this is not a sexist or chauvinistic debate I’m launching here. First I must acknowledge the strides women have made in recent times. They are landing plum jobs, getting better salaries, getting their MBAs in droves, driving big cars and generally enjoying the city’s good life with all its trappings, which is good by me. This is about how men are dealing with women’s new status. Some are rebelling, call them retrosexuals. Some have been ‘feminised’, call them metrosexuals.

It is amazing how society can change in 10 years. In 2000, women were rather shy with alcohol and drunk only Redds or any other feminine drink with feminine poise. Men settled the bill. Women danced with men. Soccer was still an alien concept and “The Bold and the Beautiful” was a popular soap opera.

Ten years on, women barely out of teenagehood are buying themselves expensive liquor, smoking their favourite cigar and are at home dancing with members of their sex. Men have been relegated and increasingly often turned down every time they offer to dance with a stranger in a club. Women take themselves out. This portends quite a future for future aspiring fathers like this one.

The current generation of women are growing and acting like they don’t need men. See, as men we were brought up to believe that we need to be someone’s hero, provide, be a father. Women ought to always look up to us.

Women have decided that they can raise children on their own. They can settle their own bills and don’t need to look up to men for the provision of basic necessities. The only role left is sexual. Funny enough, more and more women are going the casual and physical way. More and more women are learning to separate sex from love. Resultantly, we have men increasingly being used as studs, some without even knowing. Sexual liberation has been the worst form of feminine emancipation. On this one, two wrongs do not make a right.

The women of this generation are growing with the understanding that marriage is a place besieged, and are arming themselves with academic and financial tools that will guarantee their safety and peace in marriage after the almost certain divorce. Some are opting for singlehood, having herded a man into the bedroom chamber to sire one or two pretty ones.

From now on, man must learn to readjust to these realities. We can no longer be men as we used to be. Some of the roles have been usurped. The current anxieties being experienced have been labeled as “manxiety” by online lexicographers. What an apt name for the current state of affairs. It is not funny.

Nowadays, you cannot date without the ever rife fear that she is cheating behind your back. It is frustrating that the demands of women have increased double fold and most of the time if one man cannot provide, another one will or she will for herself. Talk about having your cake, liking it and eating it-with impunity.

More and more men are feeling like they are playing a peripheral role in relationships. Women cannot stop to go for their degrees, careers or social callings because their men feel otherwise. They want the same freedom that men enjoyed in the past. In fact in future, spouses will be arriving from the night club at 3 a.m. and feeling nothing odd about it.

Men might feel like they are being pushed to the corner. Men may want to stay put and assume their status is intact, but that is a misguided approach. The current academic, career, marital, post-marital anxieties need sobriety and proper comprehension. Men ought to learn to communicate better, respect female independence even when it is a real threat to their person. Otherwise women apparently have no use for us. Soon we would be entirely for cosmetic reason, much more like our forefathers used women. Call it revenge.

So much for the shoe being on the other foot.