10 finest moments in my life

There are moments we all savour in life. Like when you are in the house all alone, walking around in boxers humming to your favourite old school rap. The better, if you are boiling some Matoke to be mixed with well-spiced, left over beef. A slight hangover helps to make the moment really merry. Next you want to watch some cracker or finish up that Nelson DeMille novel.

We all have those moments. We can’t real capture what is it about them only that they make us incredibly happy…Here are my ten best moments, anytime I am in Nairobi…

10. Going for a short/long call in 5-star Hotel (Hilton in particular)

The fun is in the salute the security guards will give you thinking that you are a professional or a business man. They salute you as you walk in, and you casually or arrogantly nod back depending on the pressure from the call. If it is one of those unrelenting calls that you have to attend immediately, you walk in like you are really late for an appointment.

You go to their loos, they are invariably sparkling clean with running water. You can trust the toilet seat. You don’t have to horse-ride ( if you are a man) or wipe it with a tissue paper(if you are a woman). You do your thang comfortably, while surfing your phone. You finish, you wash your hands, wipe yourself clean and dry and walk out and salute back to them and you walk into the streets of Nairobi having answered some of the most important calls in life.

The reason this works for me is that these security guards are so brainwashed and insist on treating Whites better and every young black man as a suspect. We can’t really blame them, given that they don’t know better. They are not exposed enough to know that we are all human beings. But being saluted as you go to take a dump is a nice tradeoff for all the humiliation they subject to us. PERFECT.

9. In matatu/jav home and music is your damn playlist

OK, for guys from Eastlands, we will call our means of public transport Matatu. For those from the other side of Uhuru Highway, stick to call them Jav. (SIDENOTE: SCREW THEM).

At my age ordinarily, music in a Jav, er, Matatu is a nuisance that reminds me why I need to afford me a car soon, but every once in a while, you get to a matatu and you stumble upon really vintage music. Old school R&B works for me, or old school rap. Or those classic reggae songs by I-Jah-Man Levi, GI, IV, Peter Tosh, Bunny Wailer and the likes. Or some Rhumba. You take a nostalgic trip and you don’t mind the traffic at all, especially if you are not in any specific hurry. The downside for this, is that, when you are just about to alight is when TuPac and K-CI & JOJO’s ‘How do you want it?’ comes on. You want to stick back and enjoy it, but you have to alight.

There is something amazing when you hear your favourite song from elsewhere other than your system. Your neighbour’s crib, though they have the annoying habit of tuning to another station as soon as you pose to listen to it. In a matatu or a club. Occasionally you stumble upon a song you last heard in 1998 on KBC’s English service travelling somewhere in Kericho County, and memories flood back. And it is the particular memories that come back. Like the smell of the lady who sat next to you. Back then they used Lady Gay. Or the colour of her thighs. Light-skin thighs are more memorable (clue to to the woman who friendzoned me).

8. Stumbling upon a good blog, article online and wondering why you never discovered it or the author earlier
For a creative like me, stumbling upon something good is always welcome relief from the same things that I feed myself every day. So it is always great, getting a good blog to bear me through the traffic, in the morning, in the evening.

7. Having a meal at Kosewe-Ranalo

Even though, their prices seem to be going up exponentially, they have maintained quality uncommon for restaurants in their caliber. Their Ugali is of the best standards, gauged on the Luhyia-Kisii-Luo meter. Their fish’s size has been going down (I think they no longer get them from Lake Victoria). But they have not compromised on the quality. By doing so, over the last five years, they have had me as a customer twice every month. The better if you in good company, preferably male. It is men who appreciate the value of a good meal. Women have this annoying habit of leaving their entire fish there. Really disgusting. If they knew the amount of time and money invested towards getting that fish to the table.

6. Striking a clean deal, and earning untaxed money

My homie Plato recently spotted a Ksh 20,000 deficit in his paycheck. The first one in his life and he fully understood how evil the government can be. He had never understood that the government never consults you when they rob you. It took firefighters to calm him down. Boy, was he furious?

Anyway, there is that moment you offer some consultancy services and you get a clean cheque of Ksh 47, 500 or when you broker something and that kickback lands by MPESA. Clean Sh 70, 000. The beauty of it is when you buy that thing that you have fancied many a time, but never had the money. The plasma TV, your dream smartphone…name it. Ultimately, it is enjoying using the phone or whatever you buy that counts.

5. Helping a needy friend or relative in time

As an African adult, well-doing, you constantly receive a call from your sibling, parents or even a less fortunate friend.
“(in a humble tone), Hey, unaeza nisaidia 3K nifixie samo Fulani hapa please?”

Not that I am gloating or I pray that some people be unfortunate so that I can be helpful. Never. The truth is that when someone humbles him or herself until they request money from you, it is only heartwarming when you help them in time.You feel uplifted. That is the most African thing that I like. Our generosity. It never dies away. I have equally been helped and the feeling that there someone out there who really cares is a good one.

4. That first sip of a beer (preferably Tusker)

Anyone who takes Tusker, knows that orgasmic, crispy taste of the first sip. Especially if it is a particularly hot day, and you have just a healthy and hearty meal that you want to wash down. That sip is indescribable, it is the closest I know to an orgasm. We can call it a BEERGASM. AH-see what I have just done.

In Unrelated News, I am quitting beer.

3. Having beer with groundnuts watching Arsenal play in a local

The beauty of Eastlands is that they let Hawkers into joints. Now when you take Ksh 50 and you buy nuts for yourself and cold beer as Arsenal plays is electric. It reminds you of your manhood and why you should respect the institution of manhood. This is the most masculine act you can do in Nairobi.

The chewed groundnut paste in the mouth combined with slightly warm Tusker is a good thing. Try it. Thank me late.

2. Enjoying good music from finely tuned speakers, reading your favourite magazine/book/novel
Sometimes chilling in the house, your playlist in shuffle mode is the best thing that can happen to you. The order of the songs surprises you and you admire the beauty of life.

1. Going to Church
Nothing beats this. If especially you get there in time and the pastor comes to the pulpit to preach and actually has something to say. The better if there are choirs singing nicely. I especially like when children sing. Their innocent voices, always touch me. I can listen to them all day.

There are many, but those are the my simple moments that constantly remind me why life is good, amidst all the fears and uncertainties.

Types of men a 28 year old women has slept with

Today, veteran TEDDY FISCHER spoke to some female acquaintances in Nairobi and they told him the men they have slept with, at the very least. It has been a while since he spoke to us.

There comes a time in a woman’s life when she loses count of the men she has slept with, or at least it stops being a bother. She can sleep with anyone, anytime, anywhere. She can sleep with a man for adventure (very common nowadays), she can sleep with a man to win him over( a very bad approach always, especially if the man discovers). She can sleep with a man to redeem her esteem (also can prove bad if done with the wrong kind of a man). She can sleep for the heck of it. Just to be happy.

Somewhere down the line, it stops bothering her about the man’s physical appearance. Whether tall or short, handsome or ugly, puffy cheeks or no puffy cheeks-as long as he can get the job done, it is OK. Even if he leaves skid marks on the toilet bowl, it doesn’t matter. Smell feet count for zilch, as long as he can hit it right. Whether the mouth smells like rotten, raw fish, she can kiss him, granted he can fix it right.

This age differs from woman to woman. To those exposed to sex at a young age, by 22 going 23, if the members of men who have been through her can be connected, they can pipe Time Towers. If she goes to campus and has an active sex life, by 24, the number of male members can connect Kenya Pipeline from Mtito Andei to say, Eldoret. By 28 it is possible the dykes through her can be the size of the internet bandwidth in Nairobi , if you are into stupid metaphors…

I sat down with 4 women; Gillian, Peggy, Abigael and Purity( the irony of the name and the context of the story is so heavy it can sink the planet earth) and they told me the kind of men they have slept with. They are deep into their 20s and their word is law, if we can assume. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present the men women past 25 have taken to bed.

1. Mr forgettable

The sex was so boring; she would have had more pleasure relieving herself after too much beer. The urorgasm would have been better. Either the man was so unskilled or he was just a bore. They both wondered why they ever cared. He should have been friendzoned. The proof of such a sexual experience is that there is never a repeat match. Both parties know it will be a mistake. She deletes the number the following Thursday, part ways, or with luck the man might be given a bedsitter in the Friendzone.

All the women say, 3 months later she can’t remember the man at all, neither does it cross her mind. Neither do they have shivers when they see or hear from the man. The blame is entirely on the man’s lackluster performance. If it was a football match, it will like watching watching two mid-table teams playing…like Sunderland and Fulham, on which they draw.

2. Mr Dirty man.

He smells like a sweating pig. After a shower. His mouth stinks like pig fart. After he has brushed. There are men who are naturally dirty. But women are generally engineered to stand dirty men. Even if his shoes stunk, like a Kakamega Municipal council toilet, a woman can bear it all. Love conquers all after all.

Now, there men who are dirt. They sweat profusely. They smell bad. The woman probably regrets blowing his junk. He hardly washes his boxers, much less his body. Incidentally, no woman ever left a man because he is dirty. Especially, if he has a healthy bank account.

Instead, she will elect to wash his clothes, boxers, towel, socks and keep the environment clean. She will make it possible for the man to shower including warming water for him or even suggesting they take a shower together. Women. Anyway, if he rocks it well, his dirtiness can be ignored. Such is their nature. Women.

3. The saved man

They come in two types; the innocent and naïve who happens to be the poster boy of boredom. And the cheeky one with a penchant of kissing them around the neck, flirting with them and reading from the bible all in one stride. Let us start with the naïve one.

The naïve one is probably a virgin at 24. His moral conscience has never let him try anything. He can’t masturbate. He can’t get laid. Until he marries. Along the way he can be inconvenienced with wet dreams and he regrets it, assuming that it is a sin. His first sexual encounter is normally awkward. Luckily, he will never know what premature ejaculation is or why it is the worst personal tragedy that can hit man.

The playful one milks the vulnerability of saved women. He can quote the Bible selectively like a like a lawyer citing the constitution randomly where it befits him. He can sleep with many women in church by fooling around and even if he got caught, he can talk his way out. Women in church tend to be naïve or vulnerable. And nothing like a naïve, vulnerable woman in the hands of a wily, cunning man. And nothing like stolen guilty sex to remind you that you are human after all. And the beauty of life.

4. Mr ‘Little Joe Wood’

Some men were laughably not endowed. They are small and short down there. Here the woman can only sympathize and a good pretender will even moan to reassure the man. If you ever cast aspersions on your size, a woman will assure you that size does not matter, as long as you do it right. And then she will leave you. Research everywhere; Australia, China, Chad, Niger, Burkina Faso, the Vatican( are there women there?), has consistently shown that women value size. And so much. If you are a good man, they can hang around but can cheat on you with just about anyone. He is like the forgettable man, only that his size will make him all the more memorable and a subject of comparison for her future sexual endeavors.’

5. Mr Big Joe Wood

At first, she thought it was a snake of the python species sneaking upon her thighs like red hot iron. She shivered. She was afraid. It kept going, harder and deeper like a marauding whooper. It hurt. Possibly she bled. But she liked it. It goes two ways. Either he does it right, or he injured her making it a painful experience. If he does it right and she enjoys, chances are she can become a clinger. She won’t leave and will always fight for her place. Ever saw those chicks who stick with a man and you wonder, what they really saw in the man? Yeah, those are men who are really well-endowed.

6. Mr Romancer

He may not really be the most endowed but he does it right. He gives the most electrifying, toe-curling kisses that sends shivers down her spine. His touch is sensual and has healing powers. She likes it. Can massage and rub her back making her appreciate the beauty of existence. He knows what a flower and chocolate means to a girl and can make her want more and more.

If they will be more, I will sure share…

Big stupid Teddy, will grace this blog for the next two weeks. You better brace yourselves for his stupid thoughts…