Dancing is for the stupid; research

If she dances with everyone in your presence, she will be screwed by anyone in your absence.
Nothing brings stupidity in humanity than dancing. It precedes sex and supersedes politics in the stupidity meter. On this one, my conscience is very clear. Absolutely clear. Dancing is for fools, was invented by fools and only fools embrace it.

Picture a woman without hips or an ass trying to dance, all sweaty and smelly on a dance floor. Now picture those really stupid, potbellied men, trying to readjust their groin to the bottom of a woman for the grind, or socket dancing as it is called. Look at those Jamaican video clips. Listen to people shout when a Beenie Man song is unleashed. If what you witness here is not stupidity, you clearly need a small meeting with a psychiatrist. Book it.

I must set it off from the word go, I can’t dance to save my life. I only dance when completely coerced. I consider myself too cool for that shit. And I am virulently judgmental observing women shaking their asses and men drooling from behind, ever so ready to undress them and have sex there and there, but for civility. Cool people like me, always distance themselves from the dance floor.

“But how will you ever court a woman if you don’t how to dance?” asked my lecturer Mr Kimingichi Wabende a few years ago, while we were on some research mission down the South Coast.

Kimingichi, a great dancer himself, and a good one at Salsa, offered some insightful opinion and for the Salsa dancers, they can get a pass here. I have actually suffered great for my inability to dance. I have lost three the dance floor, because  of my disability.  And they danced away with strangers in the club. Some of those strangers looked really bad. The kind that can brag while screwing, ‘YOU SCREWING WITH THE BEST’. Some looked uglier than me. Some were broke on some cheap faded jeans and a T-Shirt that looked like a moper. But they won.


Ever since it has made me skeptical when I am courting someone who drinks and likes dancing. Hate me or love me, a woman who drinks and has no qualms dancing with a stranger in a club, is a pass for me. Especially, if it a long-term thing. Short-term is OK.  Men in Nairobi have become such predatory opportunists and as soon as they take to the dance floor, you will see him make certain moves and she will be all smiles, from I guess, feeling the D, hot on her ass. I can’t rust men in Nairobi.

The next thing you see is them whispering to each other, mostly phone numbers. Or if audacious enough, they can exchange numbers there, but watching their backs. I have obtained numbers right under the noses of stupid men who don’t attend to their women in a club. What happens afterwards is not necessary.

But this is not about me and my inability to jig along to some beats. Neither is it about my insecurities that naturally stem from the fact that I have lost girlfriends in the dance floor. It is not even the dancing that hurts, it is the fact that they were high on drinks paid by MY OWN money. It is a ghost I have yearned to exorcise for four years now.

Generally, I don’t object anyone dancing, certainly not my girlfriends as long as it is done within the decency limits. But to most individuals in Nairobi, dancing and decency are metals somewhere in the periodic table. I have never quite understood the female obsession of rubbing their ass on the male groins. Naturally, it is the default setting of dancing in Nairobi, that women enjoy more than men.

97% of the men on the dance floor only want quick access to a lay. 77% of Chips Fungas are courted on the dance floor. 70% of women who can dance on the floor with strangers when drunk are susceptible to end on a bed other their own that particular night.

I think you cannot divorce the Nairobian club dancing from cheap, quick sex. In fact if you are hunkish enough, with liquid cash and a ride and you stay in any of the city suburbs, you are good to go. I have seen my friends dance and kiss strangers like every damn weekend I go out. I have seen some really nasty and dirtier dancing, especially on the wee hours of the night.

I hate men and women who dance vigorously and sexually. It brings the animal in them. It reminds me of evils such as the barbaric 2007 post-election violence. And I am not even playing hyperbole here.

Dancing is stupid. Just stop for a minute to ponder to ask yourself what you are doing when you are shaking your body. Why do we need so much alcohol in order to loosen up her? Would you like your picture or video while dancing to be put in the newspaper or on the internet? Imagine your sweaty self, and ask yourself, is this why Jesus died? if you are believer. Can mum and dad be proud of me doing this? Remember 6 million Jews died within six years, did it happen so that you can make erotic and drunken moves on the dance floor for the sole purpose of a danceorgasm.

What drives people to dance is sex. Period. Very few people are disciplined enough to balance their drinking, their dancing and at least end up in the same bed they woke up in the morning (that is if it was their rightful bed in the first place.) But I would be sexist and chauvinist if I draw conclusions, but I am sure I am not too far from the truth.

For men, I can speak for the straight ones. The main reason they take to the dance floor is to get some ass job done, right there. When we were younger, my friends routinely confessed that if you meet a good dancer on the floor, they can make you cum. What debauchery? I mean you dance holding her from behind; she probably has nothing under (65% of the time), she rubs her ass on you so hard. You get a boner, she grinds harder to feel it. Definitely she is enjoying, and the man is getting dirty as well. Then it is time for RDX’s Bend Over and all hell breaks loose… They both orgasm, just like that. She will go sit, sip her drink, if it is still there and start asking herself what life is about and what just happened. But the DJ wouldn’t let her finish…Because the will play Konshens or that other bugger with a bleached skin and she will jump back.

Only one woman has ever impressed me, when I took her out. It was an Easter date, and for long I was afraid of her, I actually respected her. I gathered guts and summoned her. I was glad, she never turned me down. We went out and she danced like lady, sensibly. My wily and cheeky cousin Patrick, who can shame Usher with moves, was not very lucky. They danced decently and every time he tried some mischief, she shooed him away. And only insisted that if it is not me, she can’t dance ‘indecently’. She couldn’t get down without me. That evening, I was so happy, I saved a street kid’s life.

See, the kid came to me, and told me… ‘Daddy, saidia.’

I asked the kid, ‘If I gave you Ksh 1,000, what would you do?’ The kid said, ‘I would be so happy, I will die of laughter’ OK, you know where this stolen joke is going…Right? I didn’t give the kid the money, because we don’t want people dying senselessly. Just kidding.

Until some sanity and decency comes to the dance floor. Until they stop that annoying socket-dancing. Until rubbing one’s ass on the man’s groin stops as the standard measure of dancing. Until women stop dancing randomly with strangers (that does nothing to nation building by the way). Until they stop exchanging numbers on the dance floor, I will always remain cynical about dancing.

Dancing is one of those things that we invented to allow us to interact with our stupid selves. Look at those old women and randy men, dancing in circles during weddings. Look at those old, bald, potbellied men in the locals dancing to Nimon Toki Lala and Mbilia Bel with Guinness in their hands targeting the waitress. It just sucks. And it is stupidity. Let us not pretend.
Call a spade a spade.

If I have sounded too judgmental, it is my opinion. The fact that I am right should not stop you from dancing. You will be stupid in my own eyes. But you don’t need my approval for you to be be stupid. Or do you?

22 thoughts on “Dancing is for the stupid; research

    1. Two left legs or having a left and right leg, I agree with the poster people that dance look stupid. It is my opinion also. I have never tried to Dance and never desired to do so, every form of dance from every culture make people look ridiculous and like dorks in my eyes. Of course those that can dance and love to dance get offensive because in their eyes everyone should love and approve of what they consider cool, sad people really, keep dancing and enjoy what you love as long as it does not hurt anyone, you will still look ridiculous in some people’s eyes and no it is not always jealousy that some think dancing is stupid, believe it or not dancing is not what some of us admire but some of us ridicule.

  1. too bad for you if you cannot dance.then again if a strange man comes near me to rub his ugly balls on my ass he.ll be in for a shocker!cos i wont even allow him to dare do that.If he,s mine alaah bendover,konshens we,ll dance to that and yep most of the time it leads to a lay

    1. For me I see it as an admirable thing that I cannot dance or desire to do so. I do what I enjoy and what I try is things that I admire and think I might enjoy, dancing is not something I admire or think I would enjoy. I have seen people dance professionally and on tv, does not look admirable. Not in my eyes.

  2. Alright now the dancing you’re refering to is stupid, but think of all the other dancers who are truly talented people that have literally spent their entire lives perfecting it. Hip hop is even respectable when it’s not some poser dance you can learn in 5 minutes and perfect in an hour. Take formal dancing such as partner dancing (except for grinding that’s not dancing), jazz, lyrical, modern or tap all not stupid and take a considerable amount of intelligence to master. Before you post such a judgemental AND stupid article on the internet research into actual dancing. I challenge you to go on youtube look up best tap, jazz or lyrical and just be thinking in the back of your head “Oh yeah they’re definitely just trying to get laid.”

  3. Dancing if for people who are intellctually lower than smarter people. Part of their behaviour and mental/rational skill has developed in a healthy way. Is like when a child believes in animism when is a child (which is natural), but then keeps believing in it also as an adult. With Dancing is exactly the same.
    The matter is a little different when you talk about classic ballet…

    1. Classical ballet is not the only disciplined, artistic dance form. Every true dance form can be – and it is not to the exclusion of the intellectual.

      I dance several styles – including Salsa, Brazilian Zouk, and West Coast Swing. I’m also a lawyer and writer. Most of the people I know who are in dance as a serious hobby are highly educated and very intellectual people – MBA’s, software engineers, teachers, doctors, nurses, etc.

  4. Dancing is a relic of a primitive past when humans were more animal than man. It’s a ritualistic movement of arms and limbs with absolutely no purpose that looks utter ridiculous to civilized people. You’ll notice that the more poor and backward a person is, the more likely they are to dance. The rich and sophisticated are never seen doing it.

    1. You’ve clearly never done ballroom – which only the rich can afford.

      Most actual dance scenes are funded by people who are rich and sophisticated. Lawyers, engineers, nurses, doctors… these are the people who flock to social dancing as a hobby.

  5. I’m reading this and it made tears come to my eyes. You are just jealous you can’t dance and stupid to post this. What you described as “dancing” hurts. I do tap, jazz, lyrical and hip-hop. All of those dances are amazing, just look them up. I hope you realize you’re just an idiot to post these online and not just keep these stupid thoughts to yourself. I didn’t even finish reading it because it’s so horrible. Just think before doing something stupid like this.

  6. I wont say anything about the intelligence of people who dance, because I’m sure it varies wildly and there are smart people who dance. But I think dancing looks ridiculous, most versions of it. Unless someone is really good at it, or it’s well-choreographed, most people just look like chimps who have caught fire and are trying desperately to put out the flames. I’m speaking of most modern dancing, anyway. And I will excuse any indigenous tribal dances because it’s usually for different reasoning and has many years of tradition to back it up.

    That crap you see in dance clubs though? I laugh my ass off when I see it. It’s definitely entertaining in a way, but usually not in the way it’s intended to be.

  7. Your post is correct. Additionally, it is overpriced. Here in Calgary it is $10k+ yearly. Then I get to watch the spoiled rich kids every year do these aerobics routines on stage. They are talented, yet watching all this is illuminating as watching paint dry. Then all the catiness in this estrogen defined sport. Dance is only reserved for strippers on a pole or maybe at a wedding. There is a reason why dancers get so angry at these competitions. Many of the moves of martial artists, without any of the true combat, a physical circle jerk dance really is. I only have 5 more years tops of funding this crap, then I’m done forever. Reflecting back, a girlfriend of mine in grad school taught dance. I remember telling her I knew she was attractive, I just wasn’t attracted to her, likely due to the gay vibe that is dance. Looking back I’m glad I didn’t pursue it further.

  8. It sounds like to me this person is jaded they can’t dance or get on out there to hook it on up. Dancing is for fun, being funny, letting loose and so on. And how about the hook up. Getting to the quickest, hottest best sex you can get to. If a woman knows how to shake out there you know she can move in the bedroom. It sounds like the world’s attempting to eradicate stupidity, and fun. We all need to be really smart and productive so we can solve some problem in the world. And free time? Just a bunch of zombies is what it’s turned in to. School school school all freakin year long. I’m glad I didn’t grow up with only 40 days of summer. I had fun, have fun and dance. At the pearly gates are you going to lug all your stupid books and money with you. If the doctor said you have a week to live you wouldn’t be reading a dumb book I can promise you that. Hopefully you’ll dance.

    Like the movie footloose. There’s a time to Dance. SO GET OUT THERE! Author I’m talking to you!

  9. Just because you can’t do it properly, or at least understand it, does not means it is stupid. This whole text looks like a very poor excuse with some really poor sexist arguments. If you can’t dance get over it man!

  10. Haha, I agree with you. Dancing is stupid. People look retarded when they dance…unless they are on drugs/alcohol, then it can be fun. Or as a precedent to getting laid. Or in films/tv/performing arts. But I know what you mean.

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