Today, I will share with you random knowledge. Hope you all enjoy.

One of the properties of languages is their ability to produce new words (neologisms). This makes it easy to assign names to things and ideas, more so when they are novel. Incidentally, coining words does not come with a patent, hence no one is famous or known to be rich for coining a new word. Here are some of the interesting coinages.

1. Hangry:(noun)
when you are extremely irritable and frustrated because you are hungry. It is an amalgam of the word hungry and angry.
2. Nomophobia: (noun) The fear of being without your phone or when the battery dies or out of network coverage.
3. Floordrobe (noun) A form of storage for clothing which requires no hangers, drawers, doors or effort. Simply drop on the floor and you have a floordrobe. Bachelors in the house should be familiar with this.
4. Sofalise: (verb) to socialise by chatting online snuggled on the sofa.
5. Pank: (noun) an urban woman in her late 30s. PANK is an acronym of Professional Aunt, No Kids.
6. Baby-lag: (noun): Extreme fatigue and disorientation due to the sleep deprivation associated with parenting a baby.
7. Schwasted: (noun): the level of drunkenness beyond wasted.
8. Mommy porn: A genre of mainstream erotic literature that primarily appeals to the sensibilities of mothers and housewives, ala 50 Shades of Grey.
9. Expology: (noun) coined by South African writer, Darrel Bristow Bovey to mean an apology that is more an explanation and a justification for the wrong done.
10. Arachibutyrophobia: (noun) Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

Some random facts

Paul Kern, an Hungarian soldier shot during the First World War, never slept afterwards. The bullet, removed his frontal lobe. After being taken to Lemberg Hospital, he never slept as soon as he woke up. To date that the cause of that abnormality has never been established. He died in 1955, 40 years since his injury.
The Venerable actor Marlon Brando of the Godfather fame once told his biographer, Gary Carey in 1976,
“Homosexuality is so much in fashion it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences and I am not ashamed. I have never paid much attention to what people think about me. But if there is someone who is convinced that Jack Nicholson and I are lovers, may they continue to do so. I find it amusing.”

This would go to his biography, The Only Contender but straight men who are his admirers never reacted with homophobia as you would expect of men at that time.


Ten Strategic Friends Every Man Should Have

The only good fundi in the world is your barber

-Street wisdom in Nairobi

By the way, by all means possible, avoid foolish and stupid people. Trust me. By foolish I mean the guys who claim they did not see your call or your text or that email.  You know the folks who soil the toilet at parties. Or your close friends who want to date or lay your sister. Or those shitheads who turn to comedians when you leave them with your girlfriend for a second. Or folks you lend your bed for a romp, wetting everything along the way and forget to tidy up your bedroom.

By stupid I’m referring to folks who flatly refuse to repay you back the cash they owe you. Ignore your calls. I am referring to folks you can never bank on when you are in shit. They have been called drinking buddies. Folks who are there for football matches, nyama choma, and the booze but if you lost a relative, even the closest one the much they can do is comment on Facebook or write a hastily cobbled banal message and some MPESA contribution and you never see them until the next drinking time.

Fools and buttholes will always with us. Perhaps, I am one to someone. But avoid them by all means. You will save yourself time and money.

By relating with fools over the last three years I have lost about Ksh 100,000. You will think that I am a fool and I hardly take my lessons, but I am a fool so that you can learn. By the way, if you give money to relatives, consider it a donation (by the way no close relative of mine has screwed me for the record) but I have had incidents from guys that are worrying. And resist from the temptation to do business with relatives. If you must, scrutinize their character and make the right judgment. Trust your mind than your heart.

Away from general knowledge, let me share some two or three unrelated incidents before I let you know the right friends to have in every place. You can skip to that part if pressed for time.

I had some good friend. We did a couple of good and bad businesses together. One day he came up to me and he told me that his brother is sick and admitted at Mathare and he wanted Ksh 10,000. He was to repay in a few days. Everyone had refused to give him, given his misery tendencies and bad debt-paying record. But we were tight buddies and I could hardly turn him down. To be safe, I gave him Ksh 6,000. Days went. Months went. Soon, I wanted him to help me in some business and gave him another Ksh 15,000, for goodwill(rad bribe to get a business premise). The deal he was to facilitate never went through. Ideally, he was to give me my money back. Wapi?

Needless to say, I persuaded him. I cajoled him. I pressurized him. I insulted him. I swore on the grave of my grandmother that I will break his skull and feed his stupidity-poisoned brain to my cat. Only that I didn’t own a cat. I was desperate for the money and my life would have unraveled differently had he returned the money back. He ended up telling me to go f**k myself. I wanted to organize some thugs to teach the SOB some how to deal with men. It was the second time he had gotten me into so much deep shit. It is not so much the fact that I was broke and desperate as the manner with which he casually dismissed my impassioned pleas. I almost changed my political orientation.

See had I dropped the sucker the first time, I would never have suffered the second loss. I tolerated him; he screwed me, unfair and square.

There was another friend who used my goodwill and connection with decent chaps and ladies and went on a borrowing spree from them behind my back, including once buying my confidence to fleece my best friend some 80 grand Gs in exchange for a job, only to for us to realize that the money had been sent to his other number and the job was never forthcoming. But I digress.

On Boxing Day, last year, I was on the verge of moving out. I had been postponing the moving out, partly because of the financial implications of moving out, but mostly because I drunk the money. By December I was at a point I could not postpone, anymore. Rather than ‘eat’ the money or drink it, I decided to get myself new furniture in a bid to discard the makeshift things I bought after campus. I was coming off age, either way.

Back in August, I had ‘road-shopped’ some beds I fancied and noted the price. On Boxing Day, I went to the workshop and I met some fairly tall, dark and burly man in typical workshop wear; red vest and a cotton olive green trouser. The man had fat cheeks, which should have warned me. Men with fat cheeks, according to a theory propounded by mayne Plato, are stupid. So the man I met was actually my clansman, the better for me to haggle in my first language. We agreed I will have my things come new year or at least by January 3rd. Simple. Clear.

Pardon my naivety, but I always deal with people on the basis of basic honesty. And I thought my order was way too simple. He walked me almost a kilometer to the nearest ATM, whereby I gave him 60% of the cash and I pled with him that I will need those things, since I had paid for my new house. Two days later he called me at 7.21 am. Now I hate calls from outside the family or closest friends before 9 a.m. He wanted more money. I told him to work with what I had given him but he told me, he had already exhausted it.

The following day, I passed by his workshop and gave him more cash that brought the sum to 95%. I didn’t ask for the receipt, assuming that he was a man of his words. For the record, he had told me that he is a church goer, a Sabbath keeper, no less. So I was moved to give him the job, partly because he is my clansman, but better still a fellow Adventist. By the way I can be irredeemably daft.

I left and agreed that I could pick my stuff, within the first week of January. In fact I gave an extra day up to 6th.

Then he turned biggest butthole I have ever done business with. He virtually did nothing. By January 20th, he had not made anything. I had to move to an empty house. Otherwise, my rent was ‘going down’ as we say back home. Then the phone calls begun. I pleaded. I threatened. I persuaded. All in vain. After too much pressure, he decided to make the bed. He made a bed that I had not ordered. On the day I went there, he asked for Ksh 1000, to finalise the painting and other final touches, I could pick in the evening. I gave him, in the hope that having come all the way, I could not give up. In the evening he had a stinking explanation not my bed. Then he never picked my calls any more. Until I had to bribe a police officer in order to chase him…

What these two ordeals have taught me is what I should have learnt before I turned 24. Anyway, from the experience I gather that you need friends in the right places. And they are…

  1. 1.      Police officer in strategic Police Stations

He has to be shrewd and helpful. You need a police in Pangani Police Station, Central Police, Nairobi Traffic, Kilimani, Buru Buru and Kileleshwa. And as soon they are transferred, get new ones but keep the older contacts.

He has to be a bull and full of balls. They always come in handy when dealing with screwballs like my fundi, you know.

  1. 2.      You need a GSU for a friend

Preferably a former school or college mate. They are good for knocking sense to stupid folks who grab the ass of your fine lady in a restaurant.

  1. 3.      Someone in the military

These one are good at feeding you some pricey secrets about the country. But more importantly, they were good for alcohol before the government started taxing them. They used to supply it in on the cheap. But they are good in defense, especially when arrested by the police.

  1. Someone influential in various banks

Sometimes, you need a quick loan. Or skip that queue. Or some good financial advice. OK, get someone shrewd to see you through, before you get a loan from KWFT or Faulu and you will never know what hit you, if you miss paying even by a nanosecond.

  1. 5.      Someone at KRA

If he or she can help evade tax until the government get its act together, the better.

  1. 6.      A good DJ

For those complimentary tickets to their shows for your junior siblings, nephews and nieces.

  1. 7.      Politicians

For easy access to power. It helps for those right connections. Like when you want that position at a high school for you niece.

  1. 8.      A good GP

In these days of terminal diseases you need a top drawer medic to occasionally check you for cancer or something. Never think that you are too young for such.

   9. A good lawyer

The older you grow, the likelier you are to find yourself in murky waters. Like that divorce settlement. Or the kid you mindlessly sired and you became rich and the mother wants to get rich through the kid.

10. Pilot or air hostess

Just for fun. They can also get you cheaper stuff from their numerous journeys across the globe. Perfumes, colognes, phones and other fancy electronics.





I thank God that I have friends who don’t…

There are certain things we take for granted. Yet we should not. Every day I sit around and thank God that I have the best friends anyone would ask for. For we share a world and great ideals. Among the many things that I value, here are the 20 things that I am most grateful.

1.      I don’t take it for granted that all my friend have resisted to have call back tunes. I hate call back tunes. It is the easiest way of separating someone with his money without noticing. Guys who have the Lord’s prayer and gospel music are the worst liars and con-men in town. At least to me. Those who have riddims and Ugandan songs sung in Kibaganda remind me why we will not attain the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs), any time soon. Those with Raila imitations or Mohamed Ali or anything that exploits our tribal stereotypes, I pray for them to discover more avenues of humour on twitter and YouTube.

2.      I am all the more grateful that none of my friends has put a ringtone that will makes us question his mental capacity or sensibility. There is something wrong with loud inappropriate ringtones. Trust me.

3.      I am relieved that none of my female friends stops along a busy street in the CBD to buy shoes. Or anything displayed on the streets. Not that they can’t find a good buy in the street, but is just shady, after a fashion.

4.      I am thankful that none of my closer female friends applies make up in public. Fishing a lip balm or gloss or whatever that they apply is something that induces the gag effect on me. Those keen have observed I am unable to finish whatever that I was eating. More to the point, it reminds us how plastic some women are 24/7.

5.      I appreciate the fact that none of my male friends wears blue, green or yellow shoes. Equally red, green and yellow pants are out of bounds.

6.       I am glad that all my friends finally moved to Gmail from Yahoo. Nothing screams denial, and self neglect than an adult of more 25 years telling you that they have a Yahoo mail. Better still no one has the year of his birth or the year they opened the mail appended to their email address. There is nothing wrong with Yahoo. They pack the best news, arguably. But that was up to 2003 November.

7.      I am pleased that my inner circle of men doesn’t put on ties. It is a conscious decision. Men who put on ties are corporate thieves. They want to steal from the banks they work for, NGOs and everything in between. That is why lawyers and accountants are some of the folks ever in ties. Ties show that you can be controlled, manipulated and you believe in a system. A bureaucracy. More so if it works to your advantage. Equally, we all agreed upon turning 24 that there is nothing more burdensome or irresponsible that having a suit on, in this weather. That explains why we are still controlled from the West and why we name apartments with names such as Villa Park, instead of Mwagathanio Park(Is this Kiuk enough Douglas?)

8.      I am gratified that my female friends don’t tell each other ‘goodnightini’. You only use such if you were born before 1983, and your name is Beatrice or Gladys. And Alice of course.

9.      I am contented that none of my male friends drinks from a Green bottle. Heineken is for the brainwashed who believe that anything foreign is better. They think it makes them more urbane, sophisticated and they will piss wine afterwards. Bullcrap. Tusker Malt is for the folks who struggle too much to be different at the expense of the vulgar taste of that drink. Tusker Lite is for Sissies, otherwise called the Kenyan Middle Classs who now drink overpriced Jameson from balconies of trendy joints. Trendy hereby means they have white lounge chairs, cleaner toilets and beer goes for Ksh 250 onwards. The crowd is still very ratchety and mainly stupid boys of the rich with guns tucked under their belts. Real men do brown bottles. Tusker, Pilsner and Guinness.

10.  You won’t believe it, but I am at ease that none of my male friends goes for a shave that costs more than Ksh 500. A shave is just a shave. It doesn’t matter how many glossy magazines that are on the expensive lounge seats in your barber shop. It doesn’t matter how white the towels are or the simple irritable massage afterwards that justifies the cost. There is nothing unique that a Ksh 1000 shave at 20th century that a Ksh 200 shave down at Ronald Ngala won’t do.

11.  I am comforted that none of my friends listens to rock, neo-soul, house, trance or any complicated music genres that will alienate me from them.

12.  I don’t ignore the fact that we all have agreed as friends that Riddims and Ragga music is the worst thing that ever happened to music. The worse if educated on HELB and you dance to Riddims.

13.  I like it that I have never had to take a girl out in tights or shoes with a sole that looks like it was curved out of a hard wood from Embobout.

14.  I cherish the hope that I will never have to deal with a woman who throws up after mixing two smokies, with chips, red wine, Kingfisher and a shot of Tequila. Men, the things we have been through! It is all fun and games until a beautiful chick you have designs over eats and mixes her alcohol and ends up puking something that smells like a burst sewer. Male puke is arrogantly distasteful. Female puke is positively vulgar. Any man who has ever laid a woman who threw up, must be one randy bastard.

15.  I love the fact that no man within my circle has ever said something as silly as, ‘hey let’s have Pizza’. Consciously we know Pizza is for the pretentious female in Nairobi. How it is a culinary delight escapes me. When I find a chick who went to Kipsigis Girls, or Nyabururu, or Ng’iya girls expressing delight in pizza, I die a little inside. Real folks eat at Kosewe and Highlands. Periods.

16.    I am glad that in spite of our political differences, we know the country is in deep shit and a disaster waiting to happen. And until a Mutua and or a Kenneth, takes charge, we will always cry.

17.  I always thank God that we don’t write each other banal seasonal texts.

18.  My friends restore hope in me, in that they read. Even if it is a good article. And they share information.

19.  I am prayerful that my friends are all bright, can take a joke and they duly understand the language of satire and sarcasm. Trust you me, you never how it sucks to lose a joke in sarcasm and your listeners get it all wrong. My friends get jokes pronto.

20.  I am absolutely thrilled that none of my friends ever caught up with the big smart phone vibe. Partly because we are broke, though.