I thank God that I have friends who don’t…

There are certain things we take for granted. Yet we should not. Every day I sit around and thank God that I have the best friends anyone would ask for. For we share a world and great ideals. Among the many things that I value, here are the 20 things that I am most grateful.

1.      I don’t take it for granted that all my friend have resisted to have call back tunes. I hate call back tunes. It is the easiest way of separating someone with his money without noticing. Guys who have the Lord’s prayer and gospel music are the worst liars and con-men in town. At least to me. Those who have riddims and Ugandan songs sung in Kibaganda remind me why we will not attain the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs), any time soon. Those with Raila imitations or Mohamed Ali or anything that exploits our tribal stereotypes, I pray for them to discover more avenues of humour on twitter and YouTube.

2.      I am all the more grateful that none of my friends has put a ringtone that will makes us question his mental capacity or sensibility. There is something wrong with loud inappropriate ringtones. Trust me.

3.      I am relieved that none of my female friends stops along a busy street in the CBD to buy shoes. Or anything displayed on the streets. Not that they can’t find a good buy in the street, but is just shady, after a fashion.

4.      I am thankful that none of my closer female friends applies make up in public. Fishing a lip balm or gloss or whatever that they apply is something that induces the gag effect on me. Those keen have observed I am unable to finish whatever that I was eating. More to the point, it reminds us how plastic some women are 24/7.

5.      I appreciate the fact that none of my male friends wears blue, green or yellow shoes. Equally red, green and yellow pants are out of bounds.

6.       I am glad that all my friends finally moved to Gmail from Yahoo. Nothing screams denial, and self neglect than an adult of more 25 years telling you that they have a Yahoo mail. Better still no one has the year of his birth or the year they opened the mail appended to their email address. There is nothing wrong with Yahoo. They pack the best news, arguably. But that was up to 2003 November.

7.      I am pleased that my inner circle of men doesn’t put on ties. It is a conscious decision. Men who put on ties are corporate thieves. They want to steal from the banks they work for, NGOs and everything in between. That is why lawyers and accountants are some of the folks ever in ties. Ties show that you can be controlled, manipulated and you believe in a system. A bureaucracy. More so if it works to your advantage. Equally, we all agreed upon turning 24 that there is nothing more burdensome or irresponsible that having a suit on, in this weather. That explains why we are still controlled from the West and why we name apartments with names such as Villa Park, instead of Mwagathanio Park(Is this Kiuk enough Douglas?)

8.      I am gratified that my female friends don’t tell each other ‘goodnightini’. You only use such if you were born before 1983, and your name is Beatrice or Gladys. And Alice of course.

9.      I am contented that none of my male friends drinks from a Green bottle. Heineken is for the brainwashed who believe that anything foreign is better. They think it makes them more urbane, sophisticated and they will piss wine afterwards. Bullcrap. Tusker Malt is for the folks who struggle too much to be different at the expense of the vulgar taste of that drink. Tusker Lite is for Sissies, otherwise called the Kenyan Middle Classs who now drink overpriced Jameson from balconies of trendy joints. Trendy hereby means they have white lounge chairs, cleaner toilets and beer goes for Ksh 250 onwards. The crowd is still very ratchety and mainly stupid boys of the rich with guns tucked under their belts. Real men do brown bottles. Tusker, Pilsner and Guinness.

10.  You won’t believe it, but I am at ease that none of my male friends goes for a shave that costs more than Ksh 500. A shave is just a shave. It doesn’t matter how many glossy magazines that are on the expensive lounge seats in your barber shop. It doesn’t matter how white the towels are or the simple irritable massage afterwards that justifies the cost. There is nothing unique that a Ksh 1000 shave at 20th century that a Ksh 200 shave down at Ronald Ngala won’t do.

11.  I am comforted that none of my friends listens to rock, neo-soul, house, trance or any complicated music genres that will alienate me from them.

12.  I don’t ignore the fact that we all have agreed as friends that Riddims and Ragga music is the worst thing that ever happened to music. The worse if educated on HELB and you dance to Riddims.

13.  I like it that I have never had to take a girl out in tights or shoes with a sole that looks like it was curved out of a hard wood from Embobout.

14.  I cherish the hope that I will never have to deal with a woman who throws up after mixing two smokies, with chips, red wine, Kingfisher and a shot of Tequila. Men, the things we have been through! It is all fun and games until a beautiful chick you have designs over eats and mixes her alcohol and ends up puking something that smells like a burst sewer. Male puke is arrogantly distasteful. Female puke is positively vulgar. Any man who has ever laid a woman who threw up, must be one randy bastard.

15.  I love the fact that no man within my circle has ever said something as silly as, ‘hey let’s have Pizza’. Consciously we know Pizza is for the pretentious female in Nairobi. How it is a culinary delight escapes me. When I find a chick who went to Kipsigis Girls, or Nyabururu, or Ng’iya girls expressing delight in pizza, I die a little inside. Real folks eat at Kosewe and Highlands. Periods.

16.    I am glad that in spite of our political differences, we know the country is in deep shit and a disaster waiting to happen. And until a Mutua and or a Kenneth, takes charge, we will always cry.

17.  I always thank God that we don’t write each other banal seasonal texts.

18.  My friends restore hope in me, in that they read. Even if it is a good article. And they share information.

19.  I am prayerful that my friends are all bright, can take a joke and they duly understand the language of satire and sarcasm. Trust you me, you never how it sucks to lose a joke in sarcasm and your listeners get it all wrong. My friends get jokes pronto.

20.  I am absolutely thrilled that none of my friends ever caught up with the big smart phone vibe. Partly because we are broke, though.



8 thoughts on “I thank God that I have friends who don’t…

  1. Your writing has gone a notch higher…probably because you are limiting writing less about sex. Keep it up, I’ll keep coming back.

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