Schemers

There are male friends who can bed your woman in the blink of an eye. There are female friends who will bed your man and keep the secret to the grave unless you fall out and they get petty enough to remind you that you are not special, since they bagged your man.

There are colleagues who want your job at your place of work, and they will silently rejoice, maybe kill a white cock to sacrifice, if you are hit by a truck. There are people—and here I mean close friends, family members and colleagues-who for some reason are never satisfied with whatever life has given them. They always want what someone else has, by hook or crook. Some get too possessed to a point they can kill. These are the people the tenth commandment was made for.

You have encountered one. The friend who courts your wife. The friend who has a clandestine relationship with your ex. The guys who actively plan your downfall. People who deliberately give wrong investment advice, so that you can fall. People who take advantage of you in every way, to derail you.

I mean people who are roho chafu.

Sometimes we know them, and we relegate them to a space, a zone where you can watch them keenly. Sometimes we don’t know their true character and what is in their heart until it is too late.  I am not talking about those who make one-off mistakes. I am talking about those guys, for whom, it is their nature to be evil. Happens.

It has now emerged, that Ivy, the slain medical student of Moi University had a friend who had been snitching on her, telling the boyfriend about her moves. And according to K24, it is the intel she shared that sent Githinji down the cliff, buying an axe he used to hack her to death, the most gruesome death imaginable. One wonders, to what end her friend was snitching on her. We learn from a very young age that it is never OK to snitch, and if you must, you must do it intelligently.

I know, sometimes we can be snitches, especially where saving a life is necessary, or where a secret is too good to be kept. But it is never a good habit to be a snitch all the time. In other parts of the world, snitches used to be killed and their tongue cut out from their mouth.

But this is not about snitches. It is about schemers. People who are constantly plotting to take advantage of you. Constantly conspiring to take food out of your plate.

As the Swahili people said, kikulacho, kinguoni mwako. Rafiki yako ndio adui wako. And betrayal is everywhere. Even God himself was betrayed by Satan, one of his angels. And when he sent his Son down, all Judas wanted was the 30 pieces of silver. And every betrayal, wherever you scrutinize it, it is always something petty: Imagine sacrificing someone for 30 pieces of silver. Sometimes it is lust. Sometimes greed. And sometime, plain stupidity.

Perhaps, there is no place with worse schemers than in politics. For you to be a politician, you have to be a scoundrel, and a terrible one at that. Politicians have no moral scruples. They are always scheming against each other. Sometimes they kill each other for material gain, more so, when you stand in the way of someone’s ambition. To be a politician, is to be a without a friend. Rarely do you have someone you can call a true friend. Someone you can bank on.   

To politicians, everyone is dispensable. Everyone exists as a cog, to run their wheel of expediency.  

Away from politicians, another set of schemers, are saboteurs. People who are constantly hijacking your dreams. People who tell you, that can’t work…it is never done that way, you will burn your money…

It is hard to tell when they are genuine, ignorant, or just sabotaging you. But you will notice that they are negative to every dream you ever float their way. They like the status quo. Saboteurs are sometimes, our closest friends or relatives.

The good thing with our bodies, they send signals. You may find someone is your friend but anytime they are near you, there is a sense of unease. Some premonition. Soon, their presence makes you less happy. Soon, you want to avoid to them…It happens. Trust your instincts. But there is a thin line between paranoia and insecurity. Be alert.

Here is how you can tell people who are scheming to stall your life…

1. They don’t like picking the bill, even when they have money.
2. They lie a lot.
3. They are snitches.
4. They are always trying to flirt and flatter your woman.
5. They like deliberately misleading you.
6. They can never alert you in case of any danger. When you ask, “why didn’t you tell me, there ABC” there is answer is always so curt, “thought you were aware… Remember those random CATs back in campus…when you elected to sleep, may you mans or woman was around, yeah, your bestie will not call you…
7. They are always covertly or overtly competing with you. You buy a car; they buy a car. You buy a piece of land; they buy a piece of land. You go for holiday in Madagascar, they go on holiday to Mauritius. Their life revolves around your choices, until they can’t keep up, or they become so rich, and in that case, they can no longer compete, and their life becomes empty, and in that case, they go out there talking nasty things about you.
8. They are never team players. Even organizing a simple thing, a party, a bridal shower, a baby shower, they are the ones always coming with opposing ideas even when they have been outvoted. They sulk, when their opinion is not used. And can be pretty while at it.
9. They are selfish. Everything has to be about them. They want their problems, their achievements, their triumphs, and all to be the centre of conversation anytime you meet. When you act disinterested, they become petty, and can openly complain like they are a five-year-old…
10. They are never happy when something good comes your way. They are slow to send their congratulations. But it is not uncommon for them to ask you straight, “how did you get that’ before saying congrats. You always see it on their faces.
11. They can be overly friendly, but you can tell it is all fake. Their laughter, their concern, everything they do lacks depth, it is never from the heart.

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You Pregnant Mouse! The Art of (a good) Insult

“If Earth had an anus, it would be in Yemen.”

So opens the second chapter Nelson DeMille’s book, The Panther. How about that. It gets an A for originality from me. As insults and contempt go, that is top league.

***

I have a cousin who Americans will aptly call an Arsehole.

In every sense of that word. He is proud, spiteful, arrogant, vile and the most despicable being I know.

Other than his mother, I don’t know anybody who gives a damn about him. His mere presence had a way of giving one nauseous heady rush, a gag reflex, and blood pressure if you suffer from that. I never anyone smile in his presence, and anytime he came and he left, nobody talked about him, the way you talk about that long lost cousin. 

Most of us, only started dealing with him when he came back from abroad, where he had been away for close to a decade. By abroad, I mean India. And Indian graduates used to occupy the lowest rung in the social ladder of educated men. But the arrogant cousin behaves as if he went to Cambridge.

He has a way of belittling you to a point of nothingness.

When he left, we were young. And when he came back, we were in our youth. Whereas he knew who we were, he had a way of asking, “wewe ni mtoto wa nani?”

He would ask with such asinine authority, with a contemptuous look on the face, like our noses were laden with mucus, especially the yellowy, thick type. And when he knew who we were, we thought he knew us, he would still pull the arsehole move of confusing our names (on purpose), and to him, all of us were supposed to be Robert, the name of our eldest bro. And when he got to know the names of two bros, he would call any male member of the family any of the two names. Look at it this way, you are five brothers; Robert, Eric, Frank, David, and Peter. And he claimed to only know Robert and Eric, and anytime, he met Frank, David, and Peter, he would either call them Robert or Eric, that is if he didn’t pretend that he didn’t know them and would ask “we ni wa nani?“

It is not the asking, but the way he did it that had a way of reducing you on where you stood to nothingness. You will stand looking to the ground wishing that it swallowed you. Your toe will burrow the ground, crying. He has a tall imposing body, broad shoulders, fat cheeks, big head, it gives him some air of a foolish important man. Think of a politician who started as an unschooled mayor of a city. 

For small talk, he would resort to the small talk to the refuge of every adult of asking children their class position in the last examination. And the bastard will not even bother to listen. 

As we grew older and started paying our bills, nobody had audience for his belligerence. And happily, he disappeared from our lives. Last time I saw him was in a dingy downtown pub, with an oversized coat, some ten years ago. And he was with guys and I wondered who exactly finds his company fascinating? I have never had a conversation with him, beyond him asking me for the millionth time who my father is?

Good riddance.

A good insult

For all his stupidity, we all decided to take it in good humour. And often when we meet as cousins, it is not uncommon to act like we don’t know each other. It is the worst insult. I dare you to pull it on a close relative or friend you don’t meet frequently…Next time you meet, act like you don’t know them? They will catch a fit, I guarantee.

Because we all hate being taken for granted. We all hate being made to feel useless about ourselves.

That is why it is insulting. That is why people get annoyed when they call you to find that you don’t have their number or can’t recognize their voice.

***

When I read books, I am always looking for that one insult that will make stop and toast.

Then, there is my guy, Jeremy Clarkson, former Top Gear host, and presently with Amazon’s Grand Tour, who is the master of a good insult (some find his insults cheap, but it is the type likely to overrate their sophistication). At his most crude, Clarkson, can unleash some good ones.

Here is Clarkson describing Norfolk town in the UK:

“Then, when you get there and you are sitting around in the hotel lobby waiting for the local man to stop being a window cleaner, gynaecologist and town crier and be a receptionist for a while, you pick a copy of Norfolk Life. It is the World’s smallest magazine.”

He was describing how backward Norfolk is after attending a wedding there. And he was not done…

“The next time some friends get married in Norfolk, I’ll send a telegram. Except it won’t get there because they haven’t heard of the telephone yet. Or paper. Or ink.”

And this is what he said of the Welsh language.

“I think we are fast approaching the time when the United Nations should start to think seriously about abolishing other languages. What’s the point of Welsh, for example? All it does is provide a silly maypole around which a bunch of hotheads can get all nationalistic.”

Prezzo and Jaguar

Perhaps my favourite beef is the Prezzo and Jaguar one. It was a one-sided beef that Prezzo won, hands-down. It started around nine years ago when Jaguar had released Nimetoka Mbali (probably penned by AY and possibly one of the greatest songs in Kenya in the last 20 years). Prezzo, who was or is the king of showbiz, and who has lived the myth and acted it, had this way of bragging that he was the king of the bling back in the day. Jaguar had an issue with this and decided to take a swipe at Prezzo.

Then one evening, during Hits Not Homework, Eve D’Souza calls Prezzo and asks him, what is the beef. And man, did Prezzo pull a fast one, so calmly, so cheeky. After Eve asked Prezzo about Jaguar disputing his status as the King of Bling, this is what Prezzo said…

“First things first, who is Jaguar, because, you know, honestly, the only Jaguar I know, is the car…And you know like, he said that my time for flossing is over? Well.  You know what? I hope he had a good time saying that, I just let my things speak for themselves…and if this Jago-you said? (Jaguar, D’Souza says), I hope he had a good time…”

Then he went on, to say that he doesn’t know whether Jaguar is a musician, politician, or an acrobat (Man, this got a standing ovation from me). Eve was speechless. He said he is a heavyweight and Jaguar is a featherweight. And he said that Jaguar had “childish aggression”. And ended the call, with Eve asking him, if he knows his name and Prezzo, did his thing, (Jaho, Jago…), and he said, “his thong is too tight, he needs to adjust it…ask him, ‘Anataka Nini’-a reference to his (Prezzo’s) song with Madtraxx.

Eve then called Jaguar, who blabbered from his mouth. You could actually feel him frothing and gave such a weak-ass response and given Prezzo has a heavier, authoritative voice, Jaguar’s annoying tenor (you can clearly see my bias), felt so weak and wacky. The only worthwhile swipe he took at Prezzo, was saying he said the only song he liked or remembered was, the one he did with Nazizi (Let’s Get Down). The rest was just a moralistic ranting down, not worth anybody’s time.

Listen to the entire six-minute, listen to how calm Prezzo feigns ignorance and arrogantly throws quick jabs on Jaguar.

Prezzo was never done with Jaguar. In January 2016, Prezzo was the guest at the popular Betty Kyalo’s Friday Briefing at KTN, somewhat intoxicated with something hard stuff.

Betty asked him, what is the beef with Jaguar, Prezzo asked, and Prezzo does the usual, that he doesn’t know him…

“Like the car? I don’t know the guy, I only knew him after he took the photo with my friend, the president (look at how it twists it), and I asked people in the background who is this guy?”

He actually acted like he can’t say the name…He went on to say that President Uhuru, did Jaguar a favour, because, President Uhuru is Prezzo’s friend.

And then when it came to reading the news segment, as Betty did his guests, Prezzo asked:

“Do you think Jaguar can read this?”

Listen from the 12.25 point to the end of what is billed one of the most disastrous Live Shows in Kenya. 

Prezzo versus Colonel Mustafa

On June 2017, on Willy M Tuva, Prezzo requested for two minutes to clarify an issue, and it is how he started it that is funny.

Then he went on to say that Mustafa has been releasing unlistenable songs, Mustafa should go to the president (Prezzo, that is) and confess his career is in ICU and should seek help, not beef, and he should just request Prezzo to just mention his name in a song and maybe that can jolt his career back to action.

“Kuna jamaa wale waliimbanga ile…awa…huyu alikuwa na Nasty Tomas, lile kundi lilikuwa linaitwa aje…”

Listen to how he throws shade at Colonel Mustafa. 

“Colonel Mustafa,” replied Will M Tuva…

Why I love Prezzo, is how he uses that like of “sikujui”, hence you are not worth my time, before he crashes you, like you will step on a cockroach malicious. 

The same applies to Wrestling marches, even though the insults are scripted. I never used that wrestling was so much fun until I discovered that the scripts are some of the best written. 

Last year, after writing an article about Kisii women desperate for husbands/boyfriends, following a viral Facebook group where women would post their pics and declare their relationship status. Upon writing the article, I was in the receiving end of the ire of Kisii woman. One of them called me: a pregnant mouse. 

That humbled me. 

What is your most memorable insult, on you, or you read somewhere, or heard somewhere?

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Why are Adults so Bitter and Petty?

There is so much in life that can make one angry and bitter.

Every day, I meet people carrying grudges from ten years ago, pursuing a needless dream to prove a point to that one uncle or aunt who once told them, they will never amount to much. What a sad way to live.

Every day, I meet people who take petty annoyances of life to their heart. They take everything as personal, and in the end they waste a productive part of their life, accommodating so much bullshit, when they should rid themselves such and live life in a better accountable way.

When I meet someone over 25, who can’t let go some past hurt, some betrayal, I feel disappointed because it means, they will never get over future hurts and betrayals. Yet life is one betrayal after another. Nothing is more constant in life than betrayal and people disappointing you. Sometimes you are the one doing the disappointing.

Some people never overcome heartbreaks, opting for self-destructive life, because a fellow human being disappointed them. In deed for some, the end of a relationship (especially through infidelity), or for a man, when a woman rejects you, it hurts to the bone. Some take to drugs. Some take to whoring, hoping it can numb the pain. And most men, especially, don’t know how to handle rejection. Some women, too. That is why falling in love is the riskiest of falls. It can be heady, precipitous.

People as close to you as your siblings will take advantage of you. To some, even their parents will do something unthinkable. Think of fathers who touch their daughters inappropriately. Increasingly, I am meeting adults who have broken relationships with their mothers, for whatever reason. Some are graceful about it, some are not. Some sacrifice so much to put their siblings through school, only for the girl to elope or the boy to succumb to drug abuse, or gambling, or both. And it is painful when you spend so much money to give someone a leg-up and they squander the chance and you know they are going to be a burden in the future.

I have met guys in their 50s who have dedicated a good chunk of their mental RAM to old regrets. I wonder, at what point do they want to start living. Much of their pain can be classified as petty. A lot of it justified, but is it responsible to still hold onto a woman who divorced you and took all your property 20 years ago?

There is a lot around us every day that annoys us. Women who stick chewing gums beneath the tables in public spaces. Men who leave skid marks in toilets. People who fart on the dance floor. The morons at the back of the bus, who always want to get out first, before even the bus stops at the GPO Bus Station. They step on well-shined shoes and the half-wits come from communities that do not have the word sorry in their vocabulary.

There are politicians who say stupid things from church pulpits every weekend. Sycophants with an impossible capacity of shamelessness, who serve to aggravate our anger every evening when we watch news. I mean, some people are totally brainless.

On social media, there very stupid people too. I could be one of them to a set of people. Sometimes I read some stupid things that boil my blood. Often, I say things that rankle some people, especially women with feminist inclinations.

There are matatu touts who want to keep your change. Men we pay the best salaries to do their jobs who steal from us. Girls who want to spike your drink and rob you every piece of electronic. And men who want to rape a girl because they bought drinks worth, wait for it, Sh 7,000. Domestic house helps who treat children cruelly.

There are pastors who are too seedy, fleecing their ignorant congregants. Even mainstream churches are now being run as businesses, and every church day, church goers are pawns for fundraising, to meet the material aspirations of their preachers and church big wigs.

There are colleagues who don’t do their job. You are always covering for their ineptitude, and laziness (especially laziness). There are people who borrow money, but they never return. There are people who borrow your car or a gadget and have no class whatsoever, because they will return it either too dirty or broken and they have no capacity to apologise or clean their mess.

Is it that some people were born naturally stupid? Or they just have the arsehole gene?

Then there are people who don’t like taking responsibility for their actions. People who grow up oblivious of the actions of their consequences. People who drink and drive and when arrested, they can own up that they just screwed up. Or people don’t like using rubber and when the consequences show up, they act surprised. For men, in this case, they take off.

There is so much to ruin your day, every day. You can choose to take these petty annoyances to heart, or you can chose to manage what makes you angry, and the duration it will make you angry, before you hit the bar for beer, or pick a novel, or a blunt to focus on what makes you happy.

There is nobody who has never been betrayed in life. Nobody who has never been hurt. There are so many things beyond our control. Maybe you were born short. Maybe, you are unattractive. Maybe you are broke, and your friends are spinning Landcruiser V8 and getting laid more than you do. Maybe your landlord is Satan himself. Maybe you have made a couple of bad moves (cheated and get caught, just own up and deal with the consequences, don’t try to spin some shit around, accusing your partner that he or she drove you to do it. Accept that you are a hoe, or you had your hoe moment and live with it. Maybe you can change in the future)

When these things happen, they have the power to corrode our body, mind and soul. It is natural to be angry, to be bitter. But my beef is with people who dwell on the bad stuff, they forget the beautiful side of life.

I have a simple prescription.

If you have been betrayed by lover, don’t revenge. Leave revenge to the gods. Remaining calm, picking the pieces and moving on, is the best revenge. Don’t try to prove anything. Just carry on. If you are the offending party, and you get jilted be responsible for your action. Ask for forgiveness, if none is forthcoming, move on. Regret, but whatever eats your conscience, remember you made the choice. In life, pick what you want, but pass by the counter and pay the price. People screw up, pick a lesson and move on. Do it as fast as you can. Before, if you have been fucked, or you fucked, you can’t unfuck. Live with it.

If your relatives have misbehaved, maybe the uncle who promised a job does not pick your calls, don’t hold anything against him. Maybe he is not place to help you. And if he didn’t come through, knock on other doors, and should you succeed, live your life proving a point to yourself, not to the people who let you down. It is very human to want to brag, to want to show off, but, if you can overcome this, boy, you are good to go. This is especially an affliction of black people, to want to prove a point. Often the other people don’t care, they have their own battles, to care about your Mercedes. Or even if they cared, so what!

Don’t let anything in life to corrode your soul. Once something makes you mad, once you make sense of it, adjust as quickly as possible. If it is someone’s bad behaviour, get the courage to call it out, don’t let arseholes get away with it. If you are a woman, and there is a male colleague who is a bit too touchy in office, and it makes you uncomfortable, spell it out from the word go, and put the nigga to his space. You will save yourself many a cringeworthy moment, and also other women in the future.

If someone betrays you, tell them, or if it is too much, try and overcome it as fast as you can. I know some betrayals run so deep, but remember you have a life ahead of you.

You will be shocked how short life is, once you hit 25. And you will start spending every freaking second of your life doing good things that make you happy: eating good food, reading great books, traveling, good sex (what is good sex exactly?), and other better pursuits in life.

Become the centre of your gravity. Determine your destiny. I am not saying that you start worshipping yourself or get rid of your friends and family. Or become too transactional. Just understand the human capacity to hurt and betray, install enough shock absorbers in yourself so that when they fuck you up, nothing shocks you so much. Once you absorb the shock, recover and live your life as a champion.

When you insist walking around with grudges, you end up becoming bitter, and petty. When you are persistently petty, you end up living a very miserable life, where you want to prove a point to other people but not yourself. You will build a big house unnecessarily, buy a big car, unnecessarily, and other endless pursuits and it is exhausting when you work for other people but yourself. Because they will always demand more and you will keep chasing after waterfalls.

Man. Just do things for yourself. Pursue what makes you and your partner, family happy.

PS

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