Ladies and gentlemen, here is the summary of my stay, my learning and living in the University of Nairobi’s Main Campus for the past four years.
I joined the University on 15th October, one sunny Monday, 2007 and finally graduated on humid Friday on December 2, 2011. How the four years rolled still escapes me. I studied my BA in Literature, Language and Communication and looking back there is no regret whatsoever.
I joined student leadership rising through the ranks of the largely anonymous Nairobi University Arts Student Association (NUARSA) and becoming the chairman by my fourth year. I was called to join the caretaker following the disbandment of SONU in 2010 while I was in third year but declined but later joined nonetheless to serve as the Main Campus representative. What an experience?
So here I share what I have learnt as a student, student leader, a hustler, and anything in between. Some of the opinions might be too opinionated, ethnic, and chauvinistic but I do hope I will make sense at the end of the day. So without much ado, shall we begin? The lessons are many and in no particular order.
Facebook has made really boring lectures bearable. With more than 300 students in a class, it is impossible for the lecturer to keep tabs on the students. If he is boring, at least 67% of students will be on Facebook or for the sophisticated ones, on Twitter.
On prostitution by UoN female students in Koinange Street
When was the last time you were in Koinange? Well for the last four years, Koinange is a deserted place. Just a few call girls waving old junkets down and there is no University of Nairobi female student moonlighting there. This is one of the most overplayed myths and highly exaggerated stuff about UoN fine ladies, ever since the 2003 debacle in Koinange Street.
Save your best friendship by not giving your best friend a debt of more than Ksh. 2000. Anything less than that is excusable and forgettable, but more than that, there is always going to be difficulty in paying and it will trouble your friendship. If he or she is desperate enough, let her sell that expensive phone or point them to a shylock to loan them. Even if it is the mother dying in hospital, give but never expect back.
On HELB loan
It is scientifically proven that, this money cannot last a week. Unless, you are a villager from Usenge or somewhere in Bungoma without much needs and good with Sukuma wiki from Club 36, it simply evaporates from your account. News of its arrival spread faster than light. There are always some seven broke idlers who will break the news on Facebook after scouring their ATM cards waiting patiently. Occasionally, they pull pranks, potentially getting many people to banks only to discover it was a prank.
We always signed in and withdrew the first 2Gs for liquor. Came back after 13 hours to withdrawal 6Gs to pay debts- reducing it to manageable levels as we used to say. Since it always came on Fridays, we paid school fee if it is the first semester and if the second semester, drink all of it.
But in retrospect, buy anything, an electronic or something worth remembering when the burgers from Anniversary Towers come calling after your first two or three pay slips.
On banks and banking
Those from the village always belonged to Post Bank and National bank. The Rural Sophisticated with Equity. Those who went to averagely good provincial and national schools always banked with KCB and Cooperative. Those born and bred in town or from poshier families did it with Barclays.
Student ATMs are only functional at the beginning of the semester when the loan has been awarded. After that, 89% of ATMs are ornaments in the wallet. And students normally withdraw to the last cent, withdrawable.
On UoN’s other campuses and other Universities
Main Campus is enviably the best campus anywhere in Sub-Saharan Africa, of course above South Africa. Kikuyu Campus was the worst campus possible. I can say as much for the teachers? Wait, what do they train there? God forbid. Upper Kabete? When there is even a golf course bordering your campus, you know you are in another province altogether. It is like a different planet all together. Last I was there, I swear, I saw warthog.
Kenya Science was my ideal campus; cool, serene and has the quaint university feel. Parklands had some nice and pretty ladies but as conceited as only lawyers can be. Chiromo surprisingly had the prettiest chicks that BA chicks could not compare. KNH, pass. Museum campus or for anthropologists,I will never know how they made it with only two fly chicks…there is one who should be in fourth year now, who might well be the flyest thing in UoN, but her attitude can sharpen a pencil.
On men looks and impressions
A man is as handsome as circumstances can allow. Three women ever told me that I am handsome, but wait. They were high and I think I was footing the bill.
So never worry about looks. If you are tall, you have already been saved some little hassle. Campus women are still within the fantasizing age of women. If you are short, hit the gym, dress smart and expensively. If you are neither, just get lots of money. In fact scientists in my head tell me that money has the same biological effect on women as looks, humor, intellect, and anything that attracts women. Remember shoes and a good belt count for much.
On size matters
A well hung man can keep woman for long than a man short of expectations in the bedroom. A man big down there can be abusive and she can stay. A man with a big cock evidently can be broke and the lady can still tolerate. Actually there are sexually desperate women out here with whom you can sustain the relationship by the sheer length and strength of your cock.
If you are small, get the money and invest in other compensatory factors, but, there is no known substitute for length and girth…but work through it…women of the college age are experimenting and will go out with as many men as possible, trying to find that ideal man. Given we are mostly average at best, the search normally takes longer.
On beautiful and attitude
Beautiful women come in three categories; beautiful but boringly cautious. They don’t date easily or stuck in some lackluster relationship. Secondly, beautiful but with an attitude that can explode a petrol tanker. Thirdly, beautiful but generous and supply it campus like they don’t care.
On sex in campus
I could be mistaken, but the levels of promiscuity in campus are normally overrated.To me, only 10% are in stable relationships. 27% have access to consistent sex. 15% outsource from the estate or the village. The rest have their private means of venting out sexual pressure. It could be Vaseline, Soap, a carrot, a banana, dildo for those who can afford; whatever attains the end will justify the means.
In the meantime, if you ever had a misfortune of having a roommate who is randy with a girlfriend who is a siren, you were always in trouble. SEXILING was a common practice. And there was always a certain clique of men dedicated to organizing parties or getting the college girls drunk for quicker, hustle free sex. It takes two to tango. There were loose men and there were loose women. Each class had its fare share of individuals with morals more befitting to strip clubs or sex shops.
On sugar daddies
It is not a huge phenomenon. Some 3% of the ladies have access to rich wealthy men who affords them toys and drop them in campus on Sundays evenings in big cars. Just that. Some 17 % of the ladies date yuppies, the younger trendier men with Toyotas and earning a little more than Kshs 80,000 and stay in struggling middle-class estates such as Donholm.
The less said the better. It is a highly shameful organization useful for utilizing the subscription funds of poor students. The fact that 97.5% of students don’t give a damn about it doesn’t help much. And to think there is so much that they can do for students. I had a rare opportunity of meeting student leaders in Germany and you could see the differences. SONU has been the same over the last decade and will scarcely change in the near future. Unless the administration does the needful and reduce that subscription fee to Ksh 20.
SONU breeds bad leaders and Kenyans should shun them anywhere in the future. Come to think of it, given that the crème of the country went through University of Nairobi and yet they can’t find suitable solutions to our 767329 problems, can’t we just avoid them altogether…When will Nairobi University start producing leaders with even an iota of integrity…
On stoning cars
Guys, you just have to stop that. Kenyans are really struggling to make things happen. Stoning cars is so 1987, July at the height of Moi’s repressive regime. Right? Stop it. Let us invent other suitable means of communicating with the usually recalcitrant administration.
On how different we are
I met a beautiful girl who wants to be celibate for the rest of her life. But she dresses in low-cut dresses and stocks a number of min-skirts, reveals her cleavage, has an ass to die for that she doesn’t hide and above all she listens to Westlife and BoyzIIMen. OK, we can as well have her photo in the dictionary instead of the word contradiction. She once spent at my room from 6.53pm to 4.01am and nothing happened. Admittedly, I am quite slower but that gotta be the hardest nut I had to crack. And to think that she claims that she has never been abused and she contemplates joining the nunnery. Good luck for her.
On my admission day I met a guy who was in Form 4 when I was in Form 1 joining for his BA. Wait, it took me five years in secondary school. I met other guys with heart rending stories. Some have lost their parents. Some have witnessed their parents go through awful divorces. Some women have given birth to stillborn baby and yet they live to tell the story, albeit stoically. So respect everyone. Not every smiling face is actually smiling. We all must wear facades in order to survive this cold, wild world. Above all, we are all sojourning.
On the girls who catch untimely pregnancy
Keep the baby. It always earns you respect as someone mature and ready to take responsibility. It is the right thing to do and it is healthy. Sometimes it comes as an inconvenience and often at the worst of times. Not many men hang around after the news. It is the moment it dawns on you that you are an individual and pleasure shared between two people, when it translates to pain, it is a singular experience.
Anyway, the baby might come in hand sometime…who knows, and besides, even in your career days ahead, it can save you the heartbreak when you just can’t find a man to steal a sperm from and you need that baby desperately…I am just saying.
Ethnic stereotypes, I unfortunately believe in them with a few exceptions. 89.3% of the people I interacted with believe in them as well. But above all, while there are some communities it is hard to reason or understand what drives them, I always deal with individuals and never tribes.
They are pretty. They are wonderful. But men from Western Kenya (let us put it at 93.7%) believe that you can only date them and lay them, but when it comes to marriage, CAUTION is the key word. I don’t necessarily subscribe to this belief (2 of my marriage candidates are actually Kikuyu and my friends think I am crazy), but neither can you dismiss it. God forbid.
On Luo men
They are the worst competition in the seduction game. They unnecessarily raise the standards for guys like me. They fact that the flyest Kisii ladies in campus have a thing for Luo men is one of those things that I have had to live with. It is like a mosquito in the dark…consistently frustrating. But Ndedas, Oduoris, Omondis!thumps up brothers from the lake for raising the ceiling.
Handling a scandal
I am a little bit shy of scandals. If I was to be a politician, I will be in the mould of Musalia Mudavadi. As a leader, I courted trouble by keeping bad company and was once a victim of some really nasty propaganda. I was described as the easily forgettable, I don’t know but I was largely flattered by that. I learnt, just keep your calm, amidst all that. People forget after 107 hours.
On lecturers dating students
It happens. Sexually transmitted grades (STGs) are real. But the most disturbing thing is that lecturers don’t know how to seduce the young women. Hence they have to spend and use some of the oldest tricks in book that only work in planet Neptune.
I am working a blog on the shenanigans of the lecturers and there poor courting skills.
To be continued…..