Bachelorhood and Situationships

People ain’t even dating anymore. Just talking, catching feelings,sleeping together, cheating and ending up in situationships
-A viral online quote with a Katt Williams photo. Might as well as be Katt Williams.

My friend Gregory sent me the following message this last Sunday morning.
(Verbatim)

“Sema matoothbrush na mapants kuachwa kwangu…Hadi nimezilable na kuficha ndio mtu akikuja next I don’t confuse.”
(So many toothbrushes and pants in the house, that I have to label them and hide them so that when one shows up, I don’t confuse them.”

Give it to Gregory. He is in that phase we can call early bachelorhood. Two years after we graduated from campus, life sent him to Isiolo for some well-paying NGO stuff. He released his clingy and nagging girlfriend three months ago and he is breathing again. The breakup, he was afraid would be messy. In deed she caused a scene, but not so messy as anticipated. And she has moved on. I have always held that women are more capable to handle breakups than men in the present age. The reason partly being nine out of ten are always in another relationship, or they have enough men warming up on the sidelines.

Gregory who turns 28 in February has just finished furnishing his house and is what a a visiting mother-in-law will deem stable. Gregory, if you will, is a tall light skinned Jang’o. Back in campus, we all learnt much later that he was Jeng’ and for some inexplicable reason(could be his lighter skin, his cool demeanor when he is not drunk or excited) we were all disappointed. Not that we mind Jengs, but there is that frustration when one does not conform to the presumed socially constructed standards.

Chicks find him attractive or funny. He is. After releasing the girlfriend, he let loose his leash and every weekend he is calling me to tell this or that lady he met in a workshop, who is spending at his home. Gregory’s eligibility is about 7/10. You know the height, looks, good job, good bones and demonstrable intelligence. But he is not ready to settle down. He put 35 as the best age to settle down. An age I am increasingly getting persuaded will be the right age to walk down the marital prison.

Gregory’s present predicament is women leaving stuff in his house. It is one of the occupational hazards of being a sexually active lad. Women only know one way of marking their territory. Leave things everywhere. An earring on the bookshelf, hairband by the bedside window, her pant(s) in the clothing line or the bathroom or anything telling in the bathroom. It is normally well calculated.

My buddie Bon M, often conducts a forensic audit in his house every time he plays host to a woman. I once bumped into him dumping stuff in the old TV box on top of the wardrobe. He had taken her toothbrush, tops and pants wrapped them in her leso, and was dumping them in order to receive another date.

There is a mysticism that revolves the forgetfulness of women when leaving a man’s house. It is a pet peeve if you asked any man. We just learn to contend with it. If it is a wet pant, it would be understandable, but why, pray, do they get mad when they discover you have kept it well for them (by keeping it safe and well, I mean putting it inside an old mattress cover that is inside the house-moving basket beneath the bed or at the abandoned store). A visiting female friend has psychic power to know the presence of another woman in the house. I found it wasteful that countries are investing billions to go to Mars, and they have not invented a drug to address this forgetfulness.

It is hazardous, since it has denied a bachelor many a lay. Somehow, if a woman spotted another woman’s intimate stuff in the house, it kills her libido, desire and everything that turns her on. You will need the mediation skills of Koffi Anan to win her back again. Most men have ‘killed’ their girlfriends or ‘dumped’ them expediently to convince the other woman that there is not any other woman in their lives. It is funny. Because the next lay as if telepathically communicating to the next lay, will also do something incriminating.

I know of a friend who was woken up in the morning by the live-in girlfriend to be told,

“Swts, these are not my earrings, they are not the ones I left here.” Long story short, you don’t want to begin your Monday that way.

And these are the kind of relationships we have nowadays. Women have lowered their standards, so low that they don’t even have them anymore. I wonder why rapists even bother breaking the law, when they can just talk to a lady in a club in Nairobi or Kampala. In fact a man does not even need to buy a drink. Just walk to a club, see a group of girls, wait they get high, dance and ask her out. Rapists should be murdered for violating women, even when they no longer play hard to get.

Women no longer want a relationship that limits their freedom. They want to be. Unfortunately most men have not changed. In the long run, you have women who do not want to commit, they just want the fun, until they reach their sell-by-date(around 31) and then they become frantic with no standards at all. So much that even a 56-year old pensioners can take them down the aisle.

Men are in it for the fun. Women have joined. Relationships cannot flourish amidst all the distractions(Facebook, Twitter, job, school, friends-more so male, girls, name it.) And these things tend to affect women more than they affect men. I think this is the point where individuals decide subconsciously ‘let us just get laid as time goes by’. I think that is what you call SITUATIONSHIPS. Especially if there is a a pregnancy or a dramatic breakup.Anything.

And Nairobi will from now henceforth have numerous eligible bachelors with at least six women all ready to settle down, but not immediately. A bachelor will play all of them and end up marrying a nurse recommended to him by the aunts, leaving all those women with their cars wondering what happened. It is funny that they all visualize a wedding but never a marriage with all the attendant problems. The next 20 years will be interesting. And I think they will usher in the era of serial monogamy.

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