Want a successful relationship/marriage? Kill all her exes

Sometime in our early 20s, we always meet that one lover who rocks our world. It is the first time as an adult you have understood what sex is all about. As  a man you can delay your gratification for maximum results. And Women know the consequences of unprotected sex better. And in the event of raw sex, they know where they can buy a P2. Speaking of P2s, I have established women are more confident asking for a P2 at a chemist than men, when buying condoms.

Anyway, in the early 20s, most guys will meet that perfect lover. They will be nuts over each other. They will have sex everywhere, anywhere, every time,  anytime, anyhow. In a car (women rank this as their best fantasy, more so when so drunk in some carpark along Lang’ata or Westlands or whenever Nairobians sin nowadays). In the sitting room-on the sofa. In the sitting room-on the carpet. In the kitchen. Pinned anywhere on the wall-and randomly banged. Ladies like this as well, I gather. Anywhere. At the arboretum. At some abandoned corner in the university. In some toilet in a club.  In the library. In some office.

The early 20s are the best time to understand the divine essence of sex. Women, more so those who make it to university begin to understand the essence of recreational sex. They learn that nothing beats sleeping with some Dave or Sam they meet inevitably at some childish birthday party where alcohol runs out before midnight and the toilet is invariably messed up. At the university, most women will be like men: they will do away with any element of guilt that gnaws women when they have sex. They are fully liberated, and in time they learn more about their libidos and how they can be satisfied.

Not everyone is lucky as to find the perfect lover before 25. Those who do, ultimately break up. Only a few end up in marriage. Those who break up end up having a complex relationship with the ex. Especially women. For men, over time, you can get over your best ex. Save for those lucky to date the most beautiful, curviest lady with the best bedroom game. In that case, you will hanker after her for the rest of your life.

Anyway, the perfect ex will be part of her life permanently. He will be the benchmark of looks and bedroom performance for the rest of her life. If the man was beastly and lit up all her senses giving her multiple orgasms, all the men she will date afterwards will be subjected to the same scrutiny. And trust me; a woman who has been exposed to good sex at a young age will not take mediocre sex in her subsequent sexual encounters. The reason some women tend to be promiscuous without any qualms because they know what is best for them.

As she grows older, may be in her 25-30, she might meet another man who is equally good, who will also form part of her exes who will complicate her marriage later. Trust me in this.

In survey that I have done, a woman in a relationship is thrice  likely to cheat on her man with her ex. Or one of her ex. Remember, there is an ‘ex’ in sex. There are reasons for this.

For starters, exes have undue advantage on your woman than any other man. In fact some exes have better access to your woman than you do. They have seen her naked. And anyone who has seen you naked has seen you at your most vulnerable and will know what button to push when necessary. And women never quite open about their exes. You never know which ex did what to her. You never know which ex made her abort. Which ex she did the craziest things with, experimented with all sorts of pornographic sex-Kamasutra-Tantric-Anal-blah blah. The secrets people keep even as they walk in this town in their pristine suits…

Two, one of these exes can blackmail her into sex. Because he already knows the best thing to say to melt her heart, or whatever. He knows where to touch to make her…eehh ehh, ready. And when you become a prick, she has the number of her ex in her head, she just needs to call him and go for consolation. And a full package of consolation, starts with a cup of coffee in Java and ends up in his apartment in Dagoretti. Remember this  time she told you she has gone tom see mum when you were not in speaking terms? Well, turns out, she was in Buru with Sam. Her second last ex, before you took her up. Also, with an ex, there is no need for her to be bureaucratic. So, damn procedures. You always cut to the chase. You know each other’s bodies so well, no need of presence. Nothing to hide.

Thirdly, many individuals rarely feel guilt sleeping with their exes. We feel like it is pension we are claiming. Or you know those honorary games footballers play when they retire. Or better still, those moments when players come back to practice in their former clubs, occasionally being signed to play on loan. As they mentor the younger player about the club’s tradition.

Anyway, most women always yearn for  that one reunion with the good ex. And the best time for that is when they are in bad terms with their present man. They do to remind themselves, that they are still desirable. That someone still wants them. And you can never go wrong with the ex. He will always be at your beck and call, whether you have depreciated, or not.

So, here is for men in marriage or in those permanent relationship. Beware of the available ex. They are always saved in simple names such as Frank, Sam, Dave, Dennis. No accompanying explanations such as Frank-MBA, Fred-Accounts. No, it is mostly those mysteriously quiet numbers in the phone. No text message (OK the cliché Christmas message does not count but if it is from 2011, you have to know why it is kept.) You never know when she called or texted him. If you snoop her WhatsApp, you will soon notice that there is some evidence of communication, but the messages are permanently deleted and the bastard sits at the bottom of the message pool.

When you bump into the ex of your woman along Mama Ngina St, women like behaving funny. A woman will never introduce his ex. But you can tell. An ex is always given a hug, and if you stand there she will make curt introductions,

“That is Steve and this is Sam”, no more niceties. But she will remain behind with him for two minutes where they will share some stupid silly joke and will catch up with and will never mention anything about the man. If you ask, it is always a colleague she interned with somewhere in Westlands or a friend from college.

So, if in a relationship, snoop around her phone. Employ NSIS and forensics. Know who the perfect ex was. Once you know, hire assassins, or know where they drink and drop cyanide in his drinks. Once the ex or two of them die, you will have limited her cheating by at least 69% (see what I did there). And you will live happily fending off newer hyenas.

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6 thoughts on “Want a successful relationship/marriage? Kill all her exes

  1. Your insight into this things has a way of turning away would be life partners! Hahaha…I enjoyed it thoroughly….” They learn that nothing beats sleeping with some Dave or Sam they meet inevitably at some childish birthday party where alcohol runs out before midnight…”

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