NB: THIS IS AN ESSAY ON SEXUAL ACTS AND HOW THEY EVOLVE WITH TIME. IT SHOULD BE READ AS SUCH.
Men of my generation received their first fellatio (blow-job) at about the age of 20 or 21. It was mostly in our first year in college. And mostly came as a surprise. How one reacted, when the young woman reached for the male member and planted it in her mouth, depended on a number of factors: a) How exposed he was to pornography or at least his knowledge of foreplay, b) his hygiene status-the success of oral sex is purely dependent on hygiene-or perceived hygiene status, c) how conservative one is-if too conservative, he will be unduly concerned that she might develop some mental problem and bite you off…
You hardly enjoy that first blow job. Fear, anxiety, confusion, unbelief, all conspire to rob you the pleasure. As a man, you lay there wondering how many members she has sucked even as you reel in excitement and bewilderment that she does not bite you, and holding back your load, if you are a fast comer. The mind is never more alert. But with time, you become more confident.
Now the fear of oral sex going awry is rife among men of a certain age. How will you explain to people that a woman bit you off? While overplayed, I have men slightly older male friends me who cannot entertain the idea of oral sex-whether giving or receiving. And that is what I want to talk about this afternoon.
Blow-jobs are now a sanctioned as part of the foreplay, at least in Nairobi and major towns. Every man, even those born in Mukurwe-ini and Yimbo have come to accept it as part of the sexual practice, once a woman goes down on the knees. How we got here is beyond me. Even girls born in Kitale and somewhere in Luanda have developed specialized skills of blowing men, they can blow your mind off. How they learn or how a woman convinces her mind to make that leap of faith as to give her first blow job is something that puzzles me and I’m willing to invest millions in research, just to know what goes on their mind. And what if, on reaching down there, they find the man is not clean… What gives?
I knew blow-jobs have become standard practice in our bedrooms when I gathered that as a man I should not eat sausages while looking at another man in the eye. And while at it, I need to cut the sausage into smaller shards and eat from beneath the table. In the same way, I’m not allowed to eat a banana in the normal way. I will attract ridicule, and men will instantly question my orientation. It is crazy.
My buddy Teddy Fischer tells me that you can learn a lot about a woman’s oral sex skills by how she sucks the lollipop or how she bites that banana. Or the sausage. It is subconscious. A woman used to giving head, often will forget and do it in a very suggestive way. Teddy, crazy Teddy.
Men have at last embraced blow jobs. In fact it has become a right that men demand or expect even from a chips funga. And I bet, many pay attention to hygiene nowadays when they are going for a date. I can only imagine the horror for woman trying to suck it when all cocktails of pubic and anal smells emanate. Lately, I have discovered that even prostitutes, have a special package for blowjobs and I have friends who have paid to be blown in their car. Some of these things were only imaginable in Las Vegas or a rotten strip joint in the backstreets of Hong Kong.
Women have taken it a notch higher. I gather there is something called tea-bagging-planting your wrinkly scrotum into a willing sexual partner. Well, if we keep on going like this, in ten years, BDSM will be standard practice. I know in some places like Kilimani, it is already.
After a decade of men receiving blow jobs, I can authoritatively say that, I am part of the generations that first received blow jobs as a standard foreplay exercise. Our predecessors only caressed each other and the man, may be suckled her a bit. And may be tickling the woman was as crazy in the bedroom as it could get. Even in our generation, we were less adventurous. Women started blowing us. But there was an unwritten rule that as men, we would not return the favour. You were sucked, and you got on to the job. Along the way, fewer bold women would ask the man to stimulate them with their tongue, but I am sure they were met with stern refusals and it can be heartbreaking. Good sex is steeped in mutually sharing fantasies. On the aspect of oral sex, as men we have continuously short-changed women, but women were pioneers and early adapters of new sexual phenomena arriving from the western or oriental shores. And the women opened a way so that their younger sisters and daughters will enjoy such sexual fantasies that men denied them. And that time has come.
A while ago, I was WhatsApping with this extremely beautiful and delightful young girl. She is only 20, let us call her Njeri. She is in one of the more exclusive and respected private universities in town. She had been reading my blog and newspaper columns. She is extremely shrewd and razor sharp. Out of the blues, she asked me, ‘do you go down on a women?’.
I was profoundly taken aback. It is like when a child asks you that terrible question for the first time in the presence of people. Do you know that cloud of silence that engulfs the room? I was left blank. I had not yet met her, but she was so confident-in every sexual sense of the word- I had to pretend a bit not getting her question to make her put it in black and white. She did. And I find the most politically correct way of answering her.
I have asked nearly all my male friends who are on the bad side of their 20s, or older and 99% of them have said, they have never and will never give a woman some oral stimulation. The 0.2 % of the remaining one per cent has mostly given once and swore never to do it again. O.3 % have given and would give it again-if they meet a woman who certify certain hygienic condition.Trust me these are the most perverted of the lot.The remaining 0.5% only joke they can only do it to specific female celebrities.
So why are men, not giving women blow jobs? I have a several theories that might be disagreeable. For starters, there is what we call generational limitations. Men of our generation, grew up knowing that you just caressed a lady, touched her boobs, sucked them a bit and you got on with it. We later learn several other styles or places that add to the thrill. By sharing with friends and from porn, we also picked certain acts that we thought were worth pursuing. But cunnilingus is not one of them. We grew up thinking that sex is a dirty thing (physically and figuratively) and this greatly affects our perception of the female genitalia. In the course of youthful sexual expeditions you will encounter a dozen women who are not clean enough and it cements the idea permanently.
Remember, as women grow older, they get exposed to soaps, detergents and other means of cleaning up their bodies to ensure a perfect body odor, but by then the damage had been done.
But nowadays, more and more young women understand the essence of perfect body hygiene and they are confident in asking men to lick them. It is a generational thing. Men their age equally are finding the experience thrilling. A woman recently told me that, it is a secret many women harbour even though some are not entirely ready, for they fear that they might disappoint the man and offend him. We all have these sexual anxieties and we all hope we can be the man or the woman who gave their lover the best sexual experience. Even so, not many women of our generation are psychologically ready for the same, mainly from the mental conditioning society has given them. But more importantly, in life, invariably there comes a person that you are sexually comfortable with, you do all sorts of crazy things that you will never forget all the way to the grave. You experiment all sorts of things, often with disastrous results, but mesmerizing all the same.
I know there are older women, may be after 34, who will not even think of giving a blow job. It is the same way. They will find it dirty and unnatural. It is the same thing for men. Sex is an evolutionary act. There are some societies such as in Sudan where I learnt that their sex is purely for procreation. The idea that you can have sex with a condom, or without and take a pill afterwards is several decades away. I bet at Independence, sex for pleasure was still alien. But afterwards, pornography and books such as the Mills and Boons and those James Hardly Chase novels, changed the sexual landscape in our bedrooms. Locally, David Mailu, Charles Mangua and other popular fiction writers helped transform sex from the base, procreational purpose to the pleasurable acts that it has become, for the ‘civilized’ societies.
And that syllabus is now changing. Starting from the 2000s, sex has evolved now we have newer preoccupations such as homosexuality, lesbianism and BDSM. And given 50 Shades of Grey is the latest sexual handbook, it goes to show how sex evolves. Ten years from now, I bet there will more acceptance of gays in our midst and more adventurous sexual acts. Expect more people to die from strangling while dabbling with dangerous sexual acts in the privacy of their bedrooms. Men will orally stimulate women with ease without the fears or considerations that we had in the past. Perversion will be more and more normalized.
For the conservative types, like yours truly, we can hope that we will be contented with the normal way of doing things that served our generation. We live in interesting times, where sex-what ideally takes less than 20 minutes to be conducted and done with has been elevated to the centre stage of life, it occupies every sphere of our life.
Every time I walk down the streets, I wonder what kind of perversion each individual has ever tried, even as we pretend to be normal people in the streets. Everyone subscribes to a certain perversion. I look at ladies and wonder what horrors have they ever suffered in different bedroom in the city. I have been conducting some small surveys and a number have admitted that men have asked them to try anal!
In my book, if a man can go anal with a woman, he can go anal with a man. Period. May be these NGOs know a thing or two about how many gays and bisexuals exist in our midst. Scary.