You never quite realise that you are old. It happens. One day you are seated in a bar, enjoying a cold poison thinking about life. You don’t really mind the pungent smell of urine from the nearby urinal. For some inexplicable reason, the rhumba music playing in the background is sooo sweet. All along you have always enjoyed some hip-hop and R & B. But you no longer feel that crap. Live bands performed by Luo chaps masquerading as Congolese maestros become your thing. How they are able to imitate them fully up to accent is one of life’s bigger mysteries.
It is strange. Isn’t it? Like when you realise that you have a potbelly that needs six months of a serious work out to shed it off. Or your hairline is receding in stupid fashion and you are not even 35. Or you realise that you can longer stand a conversation with a shallow 21-year old who thinks the world revolves around her. You actually feel like slapping them when they can’t take their eyes off that damn smart-dumb phone, as they gobble up the pricey meal you have bought them.
I write this, because on Sunday 4, I moved ever so close to the 30s. A dreadful stage in life especially if you have not made your money. I have this mortal fear that very soon I might have a younger female boss who does not respect those older than her. More so if those junior in position to her happen to be ugly, tall men who spot a stupid beard. That is me. My other fear is that in a club very soon, will start pointing at me and giggling,
“Huyu mbuyu si aende tu home akashinde na watoto!” More giggles.
Speaking of which, is there an acceptable way for someone in the bad side of the 20s can dance to Chris Brown’s ‘These hoes ain’t loyal’ without looking retarded. Or misplaced. Thankfully, I have moved towards that age I will be drinking less and less and quitting clubbing altogether. Clubbing is one of those useless inventions of men. I now see why the rich invented exclusive clubs, that are quiet, where they swim and play golf. Clubbing a poor man’s source of stupid happiness. This is my opinion, take note.
As you grow older, you realise that little else in life changes. Things always remain the same. Assholes will be asssholes as always. No single known asshole who ever quit asshollery to become a good man or woman. Hence today, I take this opportunity to guide you on the type of people you should avoid as you grow older. Here goes.
1. Big talkers
They will never buy you beer. I know them. These stupid dimwits who are forever talking about the tender they just won. Tenders worth millions. Or the size of their cock. Everything is about them. But I have noted with annoying consistence that they are forever on a call or rush to the toilet when the bill is availed. Corner them to pay and they will come with a cock and bull story about their withheld ATM and their MPESA number not working.
Avoid big talkers. Women especially, any man who brags about his car, his wealth and his connections is as empty as the vast Jupiter. Drop them with all their oceanic stupidity. They don’t even pay their debts. They are not worth all the deals they imagine in their heads. They suffer a certain disease called, assholerim. It afflicts the mentally handicapped, yet to admit their brokeassness. Truly rich people don’t have need to shout their riches.
2. Avoid people who need you when they have a problem
You probably have that one friend, so self-centred, the last time you talked was September 27th ,2014. He or she wanted something from you. A loan most of the time. You gave it to them. They paid back.Or never paid. That is not the issue. The issue is that you have never heard from them ever since. Yet the next time they will call you will not be about the drink they owe you or meeting just to catch up. It will be another loan or something they want.
Apparently there are people who merely believe that other people exist to attend to their every demand, whim, emotion and their calls. This year, don’t even pick that call. Ignore it and call a four and half days later and say you actually forgot about it. Or play them back. Be calling them back when you need help from them.Nothing personal. Just business.
3. People who don’t pay debts.
This is a special Kenyan problem. We don’t pay our debts. Whether personal or bank debts. I personally owe people a lot of money. Some of which might even escaped my mind. I am Kenyan after all. But there are these monsters who borrow money, anything from Sh 2,000 to 50,000 and go AWOL on you. Afterwards, it will be excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse, you give up.
Some will switch their phones permanently, or even move neighbourhoods. When you bump into them, as you will inevitably, they are always ashamed of themselves and will assure you that they will pay you (after six months of ‘catting & mousing’). If it is after years, Kenyans have this special but scary ability of ignoring it completely it is like you never gave them any money at all. How do some people live with themselves?
4. Guys who take off when you are in shit!
Good friendship is measured in times of trouble. So those guys who take off when shit hits the fan and write those ‘sorry man’ messages but never do anything tangible help, drop them.
5. Beer buddies
Beer buddies should be dropped in college. Into the late 20s and 30s, every beer you share must have profitable outcomes. Discuss business and constructive stuff. Not just women or men, as you enrich the bar owners. You have come all the way from rural Kenya to live in Nairobi, works hard and you pay taxes. Stop enriching guys by spending time with guys whose only association with you is beer and bedding ‘bitc*s’. Should you have an accident after beering together, they will not even bother to drop by the hospital or police cell to bail you out. The most useless bunch of human beings to have ever been conceived.
6. For men, avoid gold diggers!
You will thank me when you reflect in your 30s and wonder, ‘ was her ***** worth all the rent I used to pay for her in South B?’ Trust me. You will. Have one woman. Love her. Treat her well. You will get the best out of her. If you succeed, share your lessons by the way.
7. For women, stay away from men who don’t value you!
He cheats on you, go away. Don’t even excuse the son of a bastard. He raises a finger your direction, report him to FIDA and move on. Even if he has the biggest cock and screws the best. Your dignity is more important than the sex. May be I’m wrong. I’m not a woman. It could be the other way around.
8. Relatives who speak ill of you
Kenyans revel in schadenfreude. You know that one relative who has been badmouthing you. She said you have AIDS. She said your marriage will never work. She said that you will not pass your KCSE. She said her kids are brighter than yours. Avoid her. Make minimal contact. Do your thing. Never revenge. Pray to God to touch them and see life from a broader perspective.
You stay away from these people and you will have a happy and productive life, this year and as you grow older.
Also learn how to say NO. Be happy and cheerful, as always.