If you have ever taken a woman to a lodging for a romp, you must be cheap, shady or old. And at one point in our lives we are cheap, shady or old. Lodgings come in classes as i observed when my uncle recently led a first year university kid whose hormones were rioting to a seedy lodging along Accra Road…

Cheaper ones go for less than Ksh 1000, and mostly located in the seedier parts of town. The rooms in such establishments are invariably named after mountains, rivers or types of rice in the market. Not bad for tourism or to our culinary heritage, if you ask me. Their beddings reek of a smell from cheap soap that is normally exported to a country like Malawi, or Central African Republic. Their beddings are always in some mysterious shades of blue or green that is creepy. These beddings have cleaned a million genitals since Robert Ouko was killed.

If they have TV, it will be an Aucma. Though the TV left the manufacturer coloured in this lodgings they are always in black and white. Their toilets have those cisterns that you pull a wire upwards to flush. In Kenya that is invention and innovation at its best. The bottom of the toilet bowl is sickeningly green with algae that turn 41 this January. The shower mast looks creaky and rusty. The towel will be hard in some parts, crusty in others . It takes a special form of courage and recklessness to even wipe your feet with the towel.

There are average lodgings. Basically upgraded cheaper ones. The TV works. The toilet might be cleaner, their towel softer and bed sheets white. They mostly have first generation mosquito nets. Those white ugly things given to us by UN in the 90s to fight malaria. The ones that had a metallic ring that we clipped to the roof and tucked to the corners of the bed. Those things were ugly.

Often they go for Ksh 1000-1500 and serve some breakfast delivered from hell. Some whitish bread that you have never tested, tea that tastes like that it has been made with sheep milk and margarine that sounds like it was imported from Gambia. Keeping up with the health message they will serve half an orange that looks that it had been refrigerated in a Chinese fridge for four and half days. And of course that boiled egg or a sausage more crinkled than an old man’s penis after a cold weather. The tea is served in a flask that has seen glorious and better days. You will be woken up at around 9.30 to clear from the room.

And behind the door are rules of tenancy or occupancy that mostly warn you never to make a souvenir out of their bed-sheets, towel, soap or tissue paper. The rules are signed by ‘Order’ or ‘Management’ and always read like stupid.

And then there are classic lodgings. They go for more than Ksh 2000. They are tiled. They have superb beddings. They are spacious. They look like your bedroom( that is, if you have a decent bedroom). The bed is certainly bigger and the mattress super. The pillows are level and their beddings are mostly white. The proprietors can trust their clients, so no many legalese warnings. .

They serve good breakfast and the gentlemen or lady who attend to you are exceedingly courteous, more out of the forlorn expectation that you will tip them than professionalism. The bed is bigger. You can use their beddings comfortably, even their towel ( to wipe your feet) and you can breathe fresh air and the TV always works right, though your channels might be limited to some 24-hour Christian channel or Nat-Geo. There is a bedside table for your phone and wallet and hooks to hang your clothes so that they don’t crease. These small things are what justify the price.

We sleep use lodgings for two reasons: when travelling or when shagging a woman you don’t value. May be you do, who am I to judge.

Lodgings and condoms are a constant reminder that human beings are driven by their sexual impulses. Any time human sexuality has been curtailed by disease or unwanted pregnancies or biological malfunction of body parts or psychological shortcomings, we have invented things to get us going. Condoms, morning after pills, Viagra, penile enlargements programmes, virginal oils, name it.

And lodgings were basically invented to tap into our sexual urges that strike anytime. In the absence of green-lodges (that is the bush for kids born after 1990), lodgings come in handy. Can you imagine as teenagers or young adults in the late 80s and 90s, we discovered sex in the bushes, mostly at twilight.

Personally I have hardly used a lodging. When I lived in Juba, the only form of housing was the numerous lodgings. I packed in a room that went for 50SSP(about Sh 1000) daily. They were owned by an Eritrean.

Juba is a scorching city. The temperatures can go as high as 45 degrees. You wake up and start with two litres of water. You sweat while taking a shower. In spite of these, I used to see guys coming with women for an afternoon romp. I mean, we know being horny drives men and women to quell the pelvic thirst whenever, wherever.But sex in a hot day, or afternoon is reminder that we are animals that are only tamed by societal rules. I did move to a better lodging that went for 150 SSP(Ksh 3000) and it was slightly better. No shady men and shade commercial sex workers having sex at 1.40 pm, with the sun blazing down. What can be more disgusitng?

Anyway, the only other time I have ever stayed in a lodging was when I was in Kisii Town with my campus buddy Bon-I. We were in the company of two fine ladies. By the way two best friends. So picture, two best male friends and two best female friends booked into an hotel, having dinner and alcohol being chilled and it is a Friday. Bon-I was making some headway with his catch, while I was having trouble explaining why I am so mean on women, if I am gay, if I am dating etc etc. Bon-I had one Freudian slip of the tongue and things went downhill for your boy. I had too many Guinnesses and I was intoxicated. We slept together but I couldn’t broach up the subject.

What was I thinking? In the morning I woke up with a 100,000 kilowatts hangover. I Threw up all the undigested food and liquor after I tried licking a pineapple at the breakfast table. That day I drunk 12 bottles of 500ml Dasani water and contemplated quitting alcohol, but I was advised to change to a friendlier beer. Hence my love with Tusker begun. Long story.

Back lodgings. I hate lodgings. They connote humanity’s unbridled and untamed sexual desire. One fine lady I had dated ever declared that she will never ever sleep in a lodging, much less get laid in one. There is Hilton. I haven’t seen her in a while. May be now that she is older, she can appreciate the utilitarian significance of lodgings.

All women with a touch of class cannot be taken to a lodging along Tom Mboya, Accra Road or the notorious Luthuli Avenue. You won’t believe the number of lodgings in Nairobi’s CBD or the sex business in Nairobi. Every minute from 9 in the morning nonstop to the following day, men and women, married or unmarried are getting some in such lodgings. It doesn’t matter whether they are dingy, seedy or cheesy.

The generation that uses lodgings is significantly older. Mostly married guys who would like some anonymity. Maybe one day you might bump into your wife with a tall, menacing man who looks like he didn’t spare anything for you as you are walking up with that college student from Shikokoti in Vihiga.

Smarter guys will find other ways than a lodging. A lodging belies a certain level of desperation. Ultra-red. Those who throng to lodgings means that they cannot restrain themselves. They are controlled by their flesh than their mind. Any woman who has ever been shagged in a lodging should know that she is cheap. A man who truly cherishes a woman will respect her to take to a decent hotel.

However may be it is mutual. But if a man wants it so much, he must pay for a better place. A woman needs a reason to have sex and man needs a place. The place better be good. But know this 30% of the buggers walking those streets after Moi Avenue are up to good.

One of these days I will go and stand outside those hotels with names like Paradise or Glory along Ronald Ngala and watch guys coming from inside. You can always know who is from having some. Those who strive to be natural…

5 thoughts on “Lodgings

  1. Hahahaha…funny how you mentioned the axis of evil without knowing! lodgings,condoms and beer.That combination is satans favorite recipe for humanity.What a piece

  2. What was I thinking? In the morning I
    woke up with a 100,000 kilowatts
    hangover. I Threw up all the undigested
    food and liquor after I tried licking a
    pineapple at the breakfast table.. #Punchline.. ..

    You are a real nigga love this

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