Shy, ashamed and afraid of love; is our generation damned?

How do you tell someone you love them and keep a straight face?

How do you tell someone that you love them without sounding silly, stupid and inane?

It is awkward. Embarrassing. And you look like a goat in high heels saying that. It used to be men, but even women are abandoning the idea of love at an alarming rate. How did we get here? All over sudden even women are cynical and pragmatic about it.

I remember for the first time in my life I uttered the words to some pretty young woman and she blushed, then frowned dismissively and she was like,

“Silas stop that. You sound stupid…”

Weeks later she gave a letter admitting me into her friend-zone. I refused and now we only text each other every 13 months. This experience, trivial as it may sound, is what taught me what a heartbreak is. You find someone, you want to love them so much, but they can’t love you back in equal measure.All along, I am constantly conscious that as a man you cannot say I LOVE YOU with a straight face. It is a sign of weakness. It is presumed that you must have an unquantifiable amount of stupidity to muster the courage to tell a woman that. You can express the love or even drool but never should you let the words come out of your mouth.

For men, I can understand. But how and when did women stop believing in the concept. As in these girls born after 1980 are a pragmatic lot. They consider it childish and naivete in their lowest form.

I reckon that at this rate, the word love might get the ‘archaic’ label in dictionaries. This generation is totally lost.

‘What is love?’ Asked Tina Turner, but a second hand emotion. I don’t know what that means but I thought I will sound wiser quoting Tina Turner. Those legs…

Anyway, love has become an ideology for the naïve and emotionally weak. No one wants a soul mate. People just want sex. And part of the reason that love has been eroded in our society is because girls are now being exposed to sex at an early age. By the time she is 22, she has slept around with many men enough to fill a Double M bus. I am not saying all women. But a significant chunk of the population. An average girl in university at the age of 23 is a walking sexual encyclopedia.

Their dating choices are not necessarily the better to groom them to know what love is. We have pedophiles around dangling the ever alluring electronic gifts, candies, pizzas etc and that gives them the wrong notion of what love is. So when some loser boy shows up empty-handed with nothing but love and poetry, they will laugh him off. But in their late 20s they will bed him, anywhere.

To me, love is something intuitive. Something metaphysical that everyone must experience at least once in their life time. Love is something spiritual. It is not about compatibility, but dealing with the differences until there is some congruence. It is not so much trading sacrifices as supporting each other to achieve individual goals.

Love is faithfulness. Having no absolute chance of cheating on your spouse emotionally and physically. It is total trust. You don’t have to be afraid that she is in some team building in the Coast, and getting cozy with a randy colleague. It was Achebe who said that now birds have learnt to fly without perching, men have learnt to shoot without missing and I dare add that women have learnt to cheat without even the slightest trace of guilt. How women became so guiltless escapes me.

Equally a woman ought not to be afraid that the man is up to some mischief. It is an impossibly difficult task, but therein lives love. Love is living with each other’s bad habits comfortably. Not tolerating each other. Not tolerating bad cooking or bad toilet habits just because the sex is great.

Love is not sex. When you are in love, the sex can be lousy, but you still there for each other. I don’t believe that either. It is sex to complement and compliment love, not the other way round. Those women who give too much sex or limit access for the man until he commits totally miss the point. Sex, while a good glue, is not a reliable one. Men grow of monotonous sex too easily. And women increasingly are beginning to suffer the same problem.

I know I sound like a crossbreed of a goat and sheep, fathered by a warthog. Our generation is totally doomed. We are embarrassed by love. We feel extremely shy to show emotion. To say that you are in love is to demonstrate a vulnerable gullibility that is often laughable. Anytime people see too love birds going about it the traditional way; you know flowers, chocolate, dates, late night phone calls; we disapprovingly shake our heads and we end up calling them desperate.

I know men are afraid of declaring their love given that we are pessimists by nature and very territorial. The very thought that she will ever leave you for another man, is sickening. And you don’t want to cry (we do cry) inside the blanket when you remember the things you used to tell her. Your brain always thinks the worst. You wonder, he used to call me baby, sweets, honey and now she is treating another man the same way. Giving head, moaning-the images are normally vivid, especially if you bump into her with her new catch who looks like he used to wet his bed back in the day. As men, we want to be cautious because what you say will come back to haunt you.

I once overheard an acquaintance declare that women cannot be loyal. That is why you can dump her and by the end of the day she is calling another man ‘sweets’ without any qualms. Women are capable of loving several men at the same time or at different times. But men only love once. And if she breaks his heart, that will be it. From then on he will be without any feelings. Most of the players and P-robbers you see around were once cheated on or betrayed by the women they loved with all their heart. And women can be heartless, just as men.

A German female friend tells me that there is nothing better than love. And when it comes along you will know it. She recently told me and I quote,

“U can’t plan starting a family, u will just meet the right girl one day, spend some amazing years only you and her and if its working u will feel the right time to finally settle down. But until then you should see the world, grab all the opportunities that come your way and live as much of your life as possible. You will still be with your family for the rest of your life, but such chances might only appear once. And who knows if Kenya is the right place? Maybe you’re supposed to find destiny in Bonn, France or wherever?! Think about it”. Touche.

That was rich. When I find one person who believes in love, my faith in humanity is reignited. We need more like such.

True love is possible. It was Brian McKnight and Vanessa Williams (before she began acting shitty roles in movies, she was actually a good singer) who gave the best definition of love in their great ballad ‘Love is’.

Love is-Vanessa Williams & Brian McKnight

They say it’s a river
That circles the earth
A beam of light shining
To the edge of the universe
It conquers all
It changes everything

They say it’s a blessing
They say it’s a gift
They say it’s a miracle
And I believe that it is
It conquers all
But it’s a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily

In this world we’ve created
In this place that we live
From the blink of an eye, babe
The darkness sets in
Love lights the world
And lights the lovers for eternity

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and pain
And it turns it into the beauty that remains

Look at this place
It was paradise, but now it’s dying
I’ll pray for love
I’ll take my chances that it’s not too late

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily, oh…

Love breaks the chains
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears and the pain
And it turns it into the beauty that remains

There you have it. If we had more love, this world will be a great place. The lack of love between people in relationship is trickling down to the point that we don’t even care for that beggar in the street.


5 thoughts on “Shy, ashamed and afraid of love; is our generation damned?

  1. You know something, saying `i love you’ lost its meaning when it started being used to get something or to mean something else. You can nowadays say `i love you’ (probably to that naive, sexually inexperienced chic who still believes in those 3 magical words) just to get her to give up that virginity for you or to get her in bed with you. You can say `i love you’ to get a guy to buy you something or come pick you up. You can equally say `i love you’ in bed just to quel that other person’s fears of where the relationship is heading to even though deep down you just know it’s a hit and run thing. You can also say `i love you’ as a way to cat call a random chic on the road. Being cheeky, sort of thing. `I love you’ means very different things in this generation and that is why people think you are just bluffing when you mouth those words even though you mean it. Personally, i don’t like them coming immediately cuz i get all these question marks in my head but 3,4 months down the line, i’m cool with that cuz i’ve read most of the subtle and also obvious signs by then that you really do `love’ me as you say.
    Another thing is that people are increasingly becoming lovers of self and everything revolving around their selves. We live in a narcissistic society nowadays and matters love which involve a lot of selflessness, openness and trust can’t really compete with our desire to be preoccupied with our selves. It’s all about what i will gain and not what both of us will gain and sadly we are cool with that. I think though that this is a lovely post and glad i chanced upon it today, albeit late

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