Today, veteran TEDDY FISCHER spoke to some female acquaintances in Nairobi and they told him the men they have slept with, at the very least. It has been a while since he spoke to us.
There comes a time in a woman’s life when she loses count of the men she has slept with, or at least it stops being a bother. She can sleep with anyone, anytime, anywhere. She can sleep with a man for adventure (very common nowadays), she can sleep with a man to win him over( a very bad approach always, especially if the man discovers). She can sleep with a man to redeem her esteem (also can prove bad if done with the wrong kind of a man). She can sleep for the heck of it. Just to be happy.
Somewhere down the line, it stops bothering her about the man’s physical appearance. Whether tall or short, handsome or ugly, puffy cheeks or no puffy cheeks-as long as he can get the job done, it is OK. Even if he leaves skid marks on the toilet bowl, it doesn’t matter. Smell feet count for zilch, as long as he can hit it right. Whether the mouth smells like rotten, raw fish, she can kiss him, granted he can fix it right.
This age differs from woman to woman. To those exposed to sex at a young age, by 22 going 23, if the members of men who have been through her can be connected, they can pipe Time Towers. If she goes to campus and has an active sex life, by 24, the number of male members can connect Kenya Pipeline from Mtito Andei to say, Eldoret. By 28 it is possible the dykes through her can be the size of the internet bandwidth in Nairobi , if you are into stupid metaphors…
I sat down with 4 women; Gillian, Peggy, Abigael and Purity( the irony of the name and the context of the story is so heavy it can sink the planet earth) and they told me the kind of men they have slept with. They are deep into their 20s and their word is law, if we can assume. So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present the men women past 25 have taken to bed.
1. Mr forgettable
The sex was so boring; she would have had more pleasure relieving herself after too much beer. The urorgasm would have been better. Either the man was so unskilled or he was just a bore. They both wondered why they ever cared. He should have been friendzoned. The proof of such a sexual experience is that there is never a repeat match. Both parties know it will be a mistake. She deletes the number the following Thursday, part ways, or with luck the man might be given a bedsitter in the Friendzone.
All the women say, 3 months later she can’t remember the man at all, neither does it cross her mind. Neither do they have shivers when they see or hear from the man. The blame is entirely on the man’s lackluster performance. If it was a football match, it will like watching watching two mid-table teams playing…like Sunderland and Fulham, on which they draw.
2. Mr Dirty man.
He smells like a sweating pig. After a shower. His mouth stinks like pig fart. After he has brushed. There are men who are naturally dirty. But women are generally engineered to stand dirty men. Even if his shoes stunk, like a Kakamega Municipal council toilet, a woman can bear it all. Love conquers all after all.
Now, there men who are dirt. They sweat profusely. They smell bad. The woman probably regrets blowing his junk. He hardly washes his boxers, much less his body. Incidentally, no woman ever left a man because he is dirty. Especially, if he has a healthy bank account.
Instead, she will elect to wash his clothes, boxers, towel, socks and keep the environment clean. She will make it possible for the man to shower including warming water for him or even suggesting they take a shower together. Women. Anyway, if he rocks it well, his dirtiness can be ignored. Such is their nature. Women.
3. The saved man
They come in two types; the innocent and naïve who happens to be the poster boy of boredom. And the cheeky one with a penchant of kissing them around the neck, flirting with them and reading from the bible all in one stride. Let us start with the naïve one.
The naïve one is probably a virgin at 24. His moral conscience has never let him try anything. He can’t masturbate. He can’t get laid. Until he marries. Along the way he can be inconvenienced with wet dreams and he regrets it, assuming that it is a sin. His first sexual encounter is normally awkward. Luckily, he will never know what premature ejaculation is or why it is the worst personal tragedy that can hit man.
The playful one milks the vulnerability of saved women. He can quote the Bible selectively like a like a lawyer citing the constitution randomly where it befits him. He can sleep with many women in church by fooling around and even if he got caught, he can talk his way out. Women in church tend to be naïve or vulnerable. And nothing like a naïve, vulnerable woman in the hands of a wily, cunning man. And nothing like stolen guilty sex to remind you that you are human after all. And the beauty of life.
4. Mr ‘Little Joe Wood’
Some men were laughably not endowed. They are small and short down there. Here the woman can only sympathize and a good pretender will even moan to reassure the man. If you ever cast aspersions on your size, a woman will assure you that size does not matter, as long as you do it right. And then she will leave you. Research everywhere; Australia, China, Chad, Niger, Burkina Faso, the Vatican( are there women there?), has consistently shown that women value size. And so much. If you are a good man, they can hang around but can cheat on you with just about anyone. He is like the forgettable man, only that his size will make him all the more memorable and a subject of comparison for her future sexual endeavors.’
5. Mr Big Joe Wood
At first, she thought it was a snake of the python species sneaking upon her thighs like red hot iron. She shivered. She was afraid. It kept going, harder and deeper like a marauding whooper. It hurt. Possibly she bled. But she liked it. It goes two ways. Either he does it right, or he injured her making it a painful experience. If he does it right and she enjoys, chances are she can become a clinger. She won’t leave and will always fight for her place. Ever saw those chicks who stick with a man and you wonder, what they really saw in the man? Yeah, those are men who are really well-endowed.
6. Mr Romancer
He may not really be the most endowed but he does it right. He gives the most electrifying, toe-curling kisses that sends shivers down her spine. His touch is sensual and has healing powers. She likes it. Can massage and rub her back making her appreciate the beauty of existence. He knows what a flower and chocolate means to a girl and can make her want more and more.
If they will be more, I will sure share…
Big stupid Teddy, will grace this blog for the next two weeks. You better brace yourselves for his stupid thoughts…