MY BUDDY TED OFFERS SOME INSIGHTFUL LESSONS ON HOW TO TURN THOSE COFFEE DATES INTO BEDROOM MOMENTS WITHOUT BEING WASTEFUL. DON’T BELIEVE A THING HE SAYS ABOUT ME, AND WELL PARDON THE PROFANITIES. HE LIKES CALLING A SPADE A SPADE. HOPE HE WILL BE WORTH YOUR WHILE.
By TEDDY FISCHER
Avoid talking yourself into the Friendzone
Women have more words for fucking than men have for their dicks. Dating. Seeing. Grooving. Name them. And they are rarely, strong macho words.
“Me and Joe are dating.”
“I am seeing Dan.”
“I am involved with Steve.”
“I have met Andrew.”
“I am not really serious with him…” The list is long. Ratchets might opt for stronger terms of course. For a man, a really man that is, it is fucking simple. “I am screwing her.” Or “I am fucking her.” Simple. Clear. And precise. And when a man does not know how to read the codes women use, you might miss the boat standing right by the shore. Women send hints depending on how you conduct yourself on the first date.
I need to introduce myself first before I proceed with the profanities. I am Teddy Fischer. I am in in my early 30s, hetero, socialite, copyrighter. I work in the creative industry and that is how I met Nyanchwani. A tall, cool, decent man, level headed who buys more coffee for women than he gets laid. He can take a good joke, so I will go ahead and say (at the risk of sounding racist) that he is an egghead and without the help of people like me, he should take a mortgage for the friendship zone, he resides in already. Men, he is the most friend-zoned hetero (presumably) man I know. And the ladies at his disposal? Since he has given me a chance to offer a lecture on how to convert the coffee dates to lays, I will not waste any single sentence on the introductions.
First mistake Nyanchwani commits lies in his warped philosophy of looking at women as enemies and treating them as friends. The reverse works all the time. Women are our friends that we need to treat like enemies. And it takes some learning. Since many men lack father figures, physically or psychologically, more men are wasting money, resources, time (including hers) on women when they can get laid for quick and for cheap.
It is Nyanchwani himself who said in a blog, not too long ago that a man who spends a lot of money on women is either uncharismatic, stupid, without wit or imagination. I mean, whether in London, or in Nairobi, you can make a woman eat or drink anything or anywhere, without looking cheap. One thing women detect instantly is your wit and the size of your pocket and they decide which one they will work with. Of course money wins 13/10.
Friendzoning is officially the bane of modern dating. It is among the worst inventions, alongside auto-tune, skinny-jeans and those musical condoms. There are as many men in the friendzone as there unemployed people in India. But how do you avoid that pitfall of friendzoneship?
To avoid this…
1. Don’t allow her to engage her phone more than she engages you
One, make sure she doesn’t revert to Facebook or Twitter on the first date. She can answer a call or a text as long it takes less than 20 seconds. But if she looking into her screen for more than a minute or receives a call and goes on to talk about her fingernails, hair, supper and the vegetarian pizza she did last week; she is either stupid or you are a boring schmuck, monumental prick of a man who has given her reason to do so.
Thing is, on the first date, let her do the talking. Actually, women ought to do the talking all the time and men the listening, as long as you can sneak in your interest at some point and learn to cut to the chase.
2. Be playfully serious
Women hate men who use overt and blatant language that implies all they are interested in is sex. It is one of life’s bigger ironies. I mean, the highest compliment a man can pay a woman is to look at her sexually or at least wish to jump to bed with her immediately. But women want us to notice their brains first before we notice their bodies. But look at how they dress. Do they notice our humour and wit first or the wallet?
Anyway to circumvent this tricky bit, you can spank her lightly, give her more than a hug or peck, as you hug touch her inappropriately but in a cautious way. Lead her on and see if she plays along or she jolts. Let her blood rush and let her lose her consciousness a little.
Men perceive women from three consistent angles. For the average or less than average, you look at her as your sister to rid your mind any sexual considerations. For the above average and curvaceous, well you mentally measure if you can wank to that. But those beautiful but seemingly beyond one’s reach, you cut you just cut your losses. Or masquerade.
So for a man, you need to show your intentions from the get-go. I mean, talk about her cleavage, her ass, her hips, her sensuous lips or feign a fetish for her hair or anything. Flatter her and add, ‘I am serious’ to qualify your politically suitable language. Be a little crude, but have a refuge you can fall back to, if she is a prude and doesn’t like your forthrightness. The trick is to let her loosen up. Flaunt your physique or your energy. She needs to picture you in the sheets. Create overplayed expectations. Just be interesting. Drop that vibe about your job, deadlines, bosses and life philosophies. It is called bitching and a specialty of women. If anything, let her tell you about her colleagues, boss, job, deadlines and career or academic aspirations. But be a good moderator.
3. Fix everything on the first date
You don’t need two dates to pitch. By the second date, you should know the position you occupy in her life. Are you ‘just a friend’, ‘a good friend’ someone I am seeing’ dating’ et al. Women are can be amazing. If they notice a whiff of generosity, they can give you a second chance just but to drink more of your coffees, the pizza, the cake and just feel good about themselves. She needs to feel wanted and occasionally eat in those good eateries. So sort everything straight and let her know your intentions. If you want to date her, tell her in no uncertain terms. If you want to get laid, you have to be creative. You need to gauge her age and know her expectations at the moment.
There are times when a woman wants a relationship or to belong and settle. There are times when they want adventure. There are times when she just needs a good lay, especially if she kisses you after three bottles and dances like she is auditioning for an RDX dance crew. There are times when she needs some closer comfort and these you can discover by running some questions that revolve around partying, weddings and her dreams…
But whatever you do, don’t go for the second date with the air still clouded. Know the lane you should drive on. Avoid fumbling and drop her if she obfuscates, trying your patience. If Nyanchwani grants me another chance, I will be more than willing to offer more.