Sexual fantasies of the Nairobian woman, 50 Shades of Grey and the flaunting lesbian


True story.

They were somewhere in between making out when she pulled a shocker. She pressed the pause button long enough to get a dildo from her hand bag, some gel-probably vaginal-and then told him to bend over…

‘For what?’ Inquired a curious Nick.

‘C’mon, I wanna do your anal, let’s be freaky. You know the male G-Spot is somewhere inside your rectum.’ She offered, getting impatient, while scooping the gel like it was ointment oil and she was about to perform a religious ritual.

Nick pulled up, grabbed his pants and said ‘NO’. She was petrified. She was disgusted. She was disappointed at his ‘cowardice’. Nick was stunned. Spiritually frightened. Flummoxed. They broke up on their first night even though it was purely a sexual affair.Shepa

Telling the story afterwards, I have never seen a man so disturbed. We could only feel him vicariously. And to put matters into perspective let me tell you a few things about Nick.

Nick was the real card. The ultimate charmer of our class in campus. He got laid within the first week in campus when some of us were still green and wondering why some girls were not wearing bras. And he was done with the class lasses, by the first semester and he was into second years, third years and the occasional fourth year. A pervert in every sense of that word, I think he got laid more than he attended classes. His clique was the most revered. Alcohol, women, marijuana (they never abused it though) and all that college life is all about, except of course those deadline beating term papers.

Tall, dark and handsome, just the way girls just like it here. His darkness was sensually Nilotic or ebony, if you are into shades. A gym enthusiast, he had some fantastic and enviable biceps and he spent a dime on his grooming. Whether loaded, or not, he pressed his shirts neatly, had his subtle cologne on and wore a delightful face at all times.

He affected a certain boyish, if childish stupidity that endeared him to all of us. Sometimes he could be professional and philosophical. Like I once overheard him telling a gorgeous, curvaceous thing we wanted to accompany us to a politician’s office,

IN NONINI’S VOICE:“Tuende umuambie utampea hizo vitu. Hakituwai pesa, mnaeza panga ka unamlike utampea, na kaa humtaki ni sawa pia, umnyime tu.

What was funnier was the look on her face.

Suffice to say they had just met. They didn’t know each other.

I never heard him utter anything sensible in my entire stay in campus but he once told me to start spending less on coffee dates, and dinners in order to get laid. This came after he discovered that the very thing I fancied and was spending a dime on was getting laid by a loser, who wears open shoes, never combs his hair or takes a shower. It was a thorough admonishment that I deserved. He had an efficient approach to dating and laying. His lines could be cheesy,

‘Tuende tu unigei’ was his personal favourite. And it never failed 8/10 times.

Anyway, to spare you the details, he was a shrewdly spoilt kid who had possibly partaken in all sorts of sexual orgies and one would imagine that what her lady friend was attempting would be something he was familiar with, or probably used to. Turns out that the USIU chick got it all wrong. That was three years ago and that was the freakiest thing I have ever heard in real life.

When it comes to freaky sexual fantasies, I have read as much as possible on the subject. Often by accident. I first encountered sado-masochism in Sidney Sheldon’s classic Blood Line. One of the Rolfe’s son, Charles if my memory serves me right was addicted to live porn and used to get an organism seeing an underage girl being raped and strangled to death by a well-hung man. It struck me as bizarre that someone gets an organism that way.

Later I would read Nelson DeMille’s The General’s Daughter and the level of debauchery in the book shocked me. That some people want to be whipped, strangled or experience pain in order to be sexually excited has always been a puzzling affair to me. If I can say something about myself, I am a heterosexual who only subscribes to what is only prescribed as normal sexual behaviour with a little experimentation as long as it does not border on perversion. So cunnilingus is out of question. Fellatio I must shamefacedly concede like any other Nairobi man that it is standard foreplay procedure now on offer even from prostitute for a fee. Wonder how men enjoy it, many would be on the edge, because that is TRUST in capital letters. Ever stopped to wonder what will happen if she develops lock-jaw, or a throat muscle-pull…Just kidding.

Moving away from my personal conservative problems, I have recently observed three things that point to the degeneration of sexual values in Nairobi. The first is, 50 Shades of Grey novel. Upon reading about the book and the ripples it was generating in various capitals in the West June last year, I predicted that it will cause a similar stir in Nairobi. I was on point. In a recent study of bestselling books in our book stores, it is there on top in the same league as Wangari Mathai’s autobiography. And I have seen at least four young women reading it in public. A point of concern. Reading that book in public should be stigmatized. It is like broadcasting to the world about your intentions. It is not a mark of class. But pardon my stupidity.

Secondly, while watching the Nairobi Half Life, I noticed an S&M scene down in Luthuli Avenue where sex goes to as cheap as Ksh 20. It struck me as odd that there could be Kenyan men, tie-wearing, no less who whip women for sexual pleasure.

Finally, the level of lesbianism in our clubs in Nairobi point to a new category of women who are carrying vibrators in their handbags (beware of bigger handbags) in town. In the same bag will be an unfinished bottle of coke, probably laced with a strong whiskey, an unfinished chocolate bar, The 50 Shades of Grey, her weave, phone charger and whole roll of tissue paper, some vaginal gels, water, scented condoms et cetera.

But why the fantasy fueled sex tales and pursuits? The level of sexual experimentation has gone wilder and wilder. And it is women in this case who are in the laboratory. Female sexuality is a little complex. Imagine using a vibrator. What can be more impersonal? For men, masturbation is in a way natural. But it is not even the vibrators we should be concerned about. It is S&M.

When it comes to perversions, white people got it twisted long time ago. I never heard of the terms cunnilingus or fellatio until I stumbled upon them in the Oxford Advanced Dictionary. The first time I watched a porn flick, I was devastated by the levels of experimentation. You should have seen my face when I learnt that a blow job has nothing to do with blowing one’s nose or vacuum cleaning. To date my folks, reasonably younger in the village cannot accept a blow job from a woman for a simple reason that nobody insures dicks as yet (how about that for a business idea Bwana Mwati?).

But S&M is something else. There are women when they are being abused is when they hit the big O and even go ahead to squirt. What kind of psychological problem would this be? Like she wants some serious whipping, tying a rope around her neck, because if you are having an orgasm and you simulate a suicide act by cutting the air supply, it is super magical. According to the book by the way.  Doesn’t sound African to me. Yet, I now can’t put it past any Nairobian woman to come up with such an idea.

bdsmYou can Google more BDSM photos and see the extents to which women go in order to be stimulated…Gross and really cheesy.

And there are men, who do the anal, and they still insist that they are straight. This shit (pun-intended) scares the hell out of me.

But blame it on 50 bob movies along Tom Mboya and in your neighbourhood. The movies carry with them insinuations  of all manner on these things and women are ever so eager to learn. It is called the Social Learning Theory. The mass media has a powerful spell on us and it influences us in every sphere of life. And because the big O is as elusive and love, we keep on searching, groping and experimenting.

Not really bad, because you can only ask so much from your body. Your body ought to give you the ultimate pleasure that you seek. The average male out here is within the ’15 minute- two shots’ category before he is exhausted. Unless, he has some vitality drink in his blood stream, on Guinness, or he took some aphrodisiac that prepared him psychological. What I know, the younger women, born after 1990 will not be repressed sexually. With the proliferation of porn, lesbian-inundated films, Sex and the City, Tyra Banks, Rihanna, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Keri Hilson and my crush Kelly Rowland we are living in interesting times.

All I can tell men is that  if they thought a blow-job was the furthest they can go; they should brace themselves for women asking them to return the favour. May be they have been missing out on the fun. The times ahead will be no doubt tough for people like us who still believe in the old, conservative way our forefathers did it.

Often I curse having born in this age. If I was asked, my best year would have been 1966. That is the golden generation for me.


3 thoughts on “Sexual fantasies of the Nairobian woman, 50 Shades of Grey and the flaunting lesbian

  1. “One of the Rolfe’s son, Charles if my memory serves me right was addicted to live porn and used to get an organism seeing an underage girl being raped and strangled to death by a well-hung man. It struck me as bizarre that someone gets an organism that way”. It struck me, what is this organism you keep talking about? Typo check

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