It is my birthday. I am knocking on the 30s. Where do the years go? Instead of a cheerful face, I’m rather forlorn. Lately, thoughts have been consuming me rather badly. Almost to a cancerous level. There is an incompleteness about my life that I have never known how to deal with my entire life.
Earlier on today, I went to a VCT to check my status. I have never gathered courage to walk into that quite dreaded place. I thought on my birthday, the best gift to me was to know my status. So with a distressed and nervous head (not in any way tied to the VCT visit), my heart in mouth (if things turn out ‘bad’) and a good attitude I asked my best male friend to accompany me, for the psyche. You might need a shoulder to lean on if the test turns out the other way. Not that I mess around to be deeply troubled about my status. That is not even a point anyway.
My never scared friend tried to encourage me even further decides to be tested as well. Given that we are actually like brothers, we walked in together. After explaining ourselves, the soft-spoken lady asks if we partners.
You should have seen the expression on my friend’s face. Actually as a journalist I have done a story on homosexuality and such a possibility had crept upon me as we walked up the stairs but I perished the thought pronto. I come from arguably the most homophobic community in Kenya. My travels, readings and my writing job have made me understand this gay business in Africa and I have become somewhat tolerant towards them. But this does not prepare you for the instant when you will be mistaken to being one. I had to calm my friend so much and explain that we are in Nairobi where homosexuality increasingly becoming looming reality.
Only yesterday I learnt that a close and respectable friend is bisexual. While in a way disappointed, I won’t in any way discriminate him or be so judgmental. I have to be more careful and more politically correct with my comments around him. Actually, there is no moral or Christian rationale of judging them. The same Bible forbids fornication so widespread in the city. Abortion is surely sin, from a Biblical point of view. My Christian faith certainly conflicts with the present day realities but we must strive to find a balance and revise our opinions and prejudices accordingly.
Any way after virulently dismissing her claim to the point of swearing and demanding an apology from her, we do our thing and walk out and to join the Nairobian rat race. Actually, there is no better relief than knowing your status.
Having finished my first business of the day, I go back to my depression. Is it just me, or there is a point in life where nothing seems to make sense. There is no appetite for food or anything. Beer does not make sense. Women even with their nicely displayed cleavage, skimpy dresses and absolutely well tucked bottoms, begin to look like the next electricity post. They don’t elicit anything. Actually, they begin to piss you off and every time you are talking to them there is a disdain and hatred you can neither contain nor explain.
You become insecure around friends. You begin to drift apart and ideologies shift completely. You discover that whereas you have fixed stuff together in the past, here you are on your own. All your humour and good cheer is gone. If you rely on creativity to earn a living, all your creative juices cease to exist.
You start questioning God a lot of things. There so much that goes on around; especially in Africa that needs a lot of explaining. If I have to go to heaven, then there is enough motivation for me to go and ask God, why we have the present quality of politicians. Why DRC, a country richer than USA and the entire Europe combined is the one of poorest in the world. Its citizens have never known peace. I have lived in Sudan and I have seen old people really suffering. They lived their entire lives fighting and with freedom came a poverty they can never extricate themselves from. There is something tearfully disturbing when you see a wiry and wrinkled old woman struggling to get a potion from the World Food Programme. Yet there is a woman who leaves her pizza untouched in an overpriced Nairobian Pizza joint.
You wonder what you really should do with your life. Suffice to say that the problem is not even money. You simply cannot have your peace of mind. Music doesn’t make sense. A vacation won’t do you any good. You feel jaded. Enclosed in your own tiny world. And so on.
That has been my life for 12 months now. I have come to learn until the heart gets what it wants, you can never settle in life. Living an unfulfilled life is so common. I see many unhappy people condemned to bad marriages, bad relationships, yet they are so beholden to them because of money or fear of what the outside might hold for them.
I have friends stuck in jobs, not because they like but because they must pay rent. We are normally born and life is thrust upon us just like that. Some are born depressingly ugly and will always be physically derided. Some are born infinitely stupid you wonder does the world really need such.
Smart women make the dumbest choices in men. Smart men will go for lesser attractive women to the chagrin of the more attractive women who were after his genes and wallet. Preachers preach water holding wine glasses in their hand. Church elders kiss the asses really stupid politicians who are responsible for running this country down. Some individuals turn gay to get the monies being poured to support homosexuality in Africa. Really disgusting! I never knew that your sexual orientation can earn one some cash.
Your male pal will deny you some Ksh 3000 that would have gotten you out of shit and proceed to buy a woman alcohol and food worth Ksh 6000, possibly motivated by a possible lay. She will a third of the food, waste the wine or expensive rum. You should see the horror look on his face when it turns out that it is that time of the month. Or she flatly refuses. A cougar will spend a lot of cash on her hot-blooded stud and it turns out that her expensive car is what the stupid man uses to ferry younger women around as he sleeps around. Nothing makes sense.
So much crap around than you can pretend not to care. Nothing makes sense. I have come to the following conclusions.
When a man marries, he loses his humor, intellect and good judgment. Whatever marital sex or lack of it causes, I can’t tell. Yet having a woman you can look forward to at home is the best thing that can happen to a man.
Male friendships have become more fickle and unreliable. There were days when men were men. They said what they meant and meant what they said. Nowadays, many men have become bitchy, gossipy and stupid.
If you have to spend on a woman, make your intentions known from the word go. Women, lately have an annoying sickness of deciding that you are good friend, after you have spent a dime.
As you make your bed, so you must lie on it.
There are three types of friends; those who, if you die, will come all the way from New Zealand to bury you. They will take long breaks from their jobs and ensure you are accorded a deserved send-off. Then there are those, who will write on your Facebook wall pithy but meaningless things. And there those who will learn several months later.
A caring woman, be it a wife, sister, girlfriend is the best gift of nature to man
When you put earphones in your pocket, they take a life of their own.
Nobody gives a damn about who you are, what you do or whom you know. So if you have shaken Obama’s hand, stop broadcasting it to the world. You dating a minister’s daughter…Sawa! She PMSes like any other woman.
Alcohol is bad. The sooner you stop the better.
If your woman will cheat on you, she will. Nothing will you do to stop her.
Men of our generation must be ready to deal with cheating wives. It is inevitable.
Life goes on, whatever you do; never ever assume that if you are not there things will stop. Ask Muammar Gaddafi, Husein Mubarak or any other dictator who thought they were indispensable.
There are a lot average women around here who are becoming increasingly paranoid that they are being stalked. They tell you and you wonder what the stalkers could be seeing in them. One told me so two years ago. And recently many more have told me as much. May be it is real.
When in shit the guys likely to bail you out are guys you rarely talk to. You know those true friends we rarely call or exchange any pleasantries?
But the last one year has been a helpful learning curve. A time to know what adult life entails. From the start, all I can feel or sense, it is a lot of emptiness. Could it be the reason many of my peers a year or so older than me are into alcohol and sex like it is the end of the world? As in both men and women, married or not. I hope this year I will find out.