Seven worst inventions by Nairobian women that really suck

This was the blog of the year. The most read, and the one that had the highest number of reactions. Of course, the one NEVER BE NICE TO A LADY’ was the most widely read and commented.But it wasn’t mine. So here is the replay of the blogs. I had a six month absence. But I will make up for it this year. So we start of by redoing this very blog.

Here is to  great year for the readers. Read on.

 

The initial stages of dating are usually interesting. I normally like the small talk. You know, the usual standard lies about likes and dislikes. A woman telling you that she doesn’t like sex as such and can go without it for as long as she wants or telling you how she has turned down men ranging from the rich and the famous to her ‘stupid’ bosses. Apparently, all bosses are stupid when it comes to dating. They are always fat, potbellied or balding according to the women I have spoken to.

Men are equally liars in their own right. Seduction is much more like politics. You can employ every dirty trick in the book in order to get laid. You can lie, you can spend, you can buy her all the black ice in the counter and, just but get her loosen up. A man no sooner learns about what makes a woman tick than he re-adjusts to her reality, albeit temporarily, just but to get her to bed.

A story is told of a student leader from my university who had hots for this ridiculously beautiful Muslim lady that he converted to Islam, if only for a weekend with her at the Hilton. He spent about Ksh 250,000, switched religion from Atheism to temporary Islam, had his way before ditching her. I don’t know exactly who was the fool in that tryst.

But those are the rules in the game. We both know them, subconsciously. I suppose, women can smell a lie from a mile but all a man has to do to make her believe is get the right tone, the right facial expression, and add the words ‘And I mean this’ for a woman to start taking the man seriously. In my little experience with women, here are the seven lies that I find hard to tolerate:

1. I only take wine!
When a woman tells me that she likes wine, the first thing I do is locate the nearest exit. My experience or lack of it indicates that women have fanciful tastes that are normally dictated by the financial position of the man footing the bill. I have seen a wine loving woman turn into Kibao-Vodka alcoholic in the least fashionable way and shortest time possible.

Wine! Why would anyone go to a bar or a club to have wine? Somebody teach me. I came straight from the village. Wine? I always try to establish where the chick was brought up. If born and bred in a reasonable urban centre, I can excuse her, a little. If she came from the village like me and I know it, I go ballistic.

There places where wine taking is acceptable. The pretentious dinners. Pretentious cocktail parties. And at home. But in hard parties and in a club it is unreasonable, uneconomical and most importantly stupid to order some wine. It costs a dime and doesn’t make sense to me and to every intelligent straight man.

Here is the thing with women who take wine. One they are likely to be difficult and the kind who try your patience before finally letting you lay it on them only for you to discover they were not worth the trouble. Secondly, such women think, nay, dream that by claiming that they take wine they will look polished, classy and distinguished. It puts them in their own league. The ‘Unchips Funguable’ category. Americans have a word for it: BULLSHIT. You can tell a lot about a woman’s character by her liquor preference.

The strictly wine type is the type that a man must avoid. They have self-imposed rigid standards that are unfair to themselves, humanity and above all men. They tend to have the nasty attitudes that can lift a plane or propel a space ship. Avoid them. They are never worth the trouble. By the way, with the benefit of hindsight, no woman is worth any trouble.

2. Leggings
My ever incensed friend recently bemoaned the fashion sense of Nairobian women. He said that next women might paint themselves and walk around for all they care. The most tragic fashion sense is this thing they call leggings or tights or whatever they are called. Those small, body-sticking, disgusting clothing that every woman is now wearing.

When women made them official pants, I thought they had stretched the joke a little too far. When fat women took them with fervor, the joke ended. Why? Why leggings. Why leggings on a Monday morning. Why leggings to work, even if for comfort’s sake. The lengths which women can go in order to be comfy can be stupefying. I mean they have pushed this ‘comfortable’ button to the limit. If the word comfortable had rights, it will probably be protesting against overuse by women.

I have a specific aversion for women who opt for the leggings and a top that barely covers their ass as the only cover for their body. It leaves little to the imagination. And when you look at a woman without imagination, that woman better be worried. I think the best compliment a woman can get for a man (any man) to regard her sexually. And the main reason for such ridiculous, offensive dressing is to be noticed. Why try so hard?

3. The movie body language and language
Women in Nairobi have apparently been watching too many movies. Ever since the big-screen died and stalls started selling every movie at Ksh 50, women have been watching. And not just watching, but also learning. And learning keenly. If I was to support piracy, this would be the sole reason I would add my signature to that petition.

If one borrowed a line from a book, it is commendable. But from a movie, it is way way too clichéd. But that is even pardonable. What is not acceptable is gaining some deceptive and subtle accent. It sucks, especially if you stay in Buru Buru or Dohnholm. I admire when a woman can speak fluent English. Add some little accent and my libido is already on the downward trend.

But consciously or unconsciously or even subconsciously imitating some movie body language, even if it is porn really sucks like a vacuum cleaner.

Stupid body language imitating includes that pulling back of the hair and having some mild frown. It is sexy, but on the movie. On the movie it is natural, because the whites have generally long hair, so it makes sense. Around here any man intelligent enough can tell one is trying too hard. And please, get off those silly facial expressions. Natural is sexy.

4.Preferring a bedsitter/sq in South B to spacious 1bedrooom in Donholm
Whether for conformity or whatever, I can’t stand life in a squalid, timid bedsitter. But somehow it works for them.For bragging sake. Women!I always consider this arrangement very selfish.

5. Eating in poshy eateries
I like average places. You know the Highlands, Sizzling, and anywhere where tea goes for less than Ksh 100. Not because I can’t afford high end places but because average places sell the best meals for a commoner. Try the Highland or Sizzling tea (and they have not asked me to advertise them) and if it doesn’t knock you down then you belong to the line of ancestors that discovered that a pawpaw is edible.

But women in Nairobi posses epicurean tastes. If it is fries, they like it from the right place…the Galitos and the likes. If it is Ice Cream, they want it from a designer equivalent of a food joint. I hate it when they sulk if you don’t get it from the right place.

It is ego-crushing when a woman fails to recognize your effort and leaves the food you have bought on the table. It is insulting, especially if she claimed that she was starving and she fails to eat. Especially, if the food turns up cold or substandard. It is not your fault but she gives you that look of ‘find a better place next time’. Nkt.

They like good places where they go to get cancer. The highly tasty but inorganic food is bad for their health and any cursory glance can tell you that obesity is upon us in Nairobi. Ladies, always appreciate the little efforts men make to please you. You may be having men who treat you better and afford better places but if you give another man less fortunate some audience, respect his choices.

5. Using emoticons in texts and chats
I don’t know but I find emoticons so dishonest. I mean there is something creepy with smileys. But women seem to like them. Be they French, be they British, be they Korean, be they Argentine, be they…name it…they are suckers for the emoticons. Emotions are spooky.

Nothing screams pretence, dishonest, lies like emoticons. Smileys are to me provocative but in a wrong way. They are offensive. There is some element of mockery in them. It is like a woman thinks by dropping one; she will evoke some emotions in you. It is like she imagines that you assume or think that she really values you so much as to drop one smiley, here and there but all it rings is empty. If they stopped using them or used them a little too less often, like when they mean, all intelligent men will appreciate.

6. Parties, baby showers, weddings and anyplace they can meet for some bad gossip
Women like partying. There is a warning amongst Nairobian men that a woman who is free over the weekend is already a big expense. Women want just any other place they can party and do some gossip.

You know the baby showers in order to sit in the corner and sigh that the ‘bitch’ finally got paged and delivered. To query who probably is next. To gossip who is getting laid around too much and what is anticipated. To compare if the kid is as beautiful as the kid of whoever in their circles.

In weddings, the bridesmaid purposely want her female friends to be envious, that’s why she can go to all the lengths to ensure it is as big as it gets. The female friends on the other hand are there with disbelief that Sheila eventually got into marriage ahead of Everline who has always been in a relationship and everyone thought will be getting into marriage. By the way who finds the name Everline as the least imaginative name like me? Is there a famous Everline?

They will be fussing about everything from the amount of meat in the Pilau to the wrong colour of dresses for the flower girls to the unsmiling groom. They will be very cooperative but the amount of backstabbing going on can bring down even the strongest building in Nairobi.

Women! If only they had the biological capacity to spell, pronounce and articulate the word SIMPLE, the world will be a better place. But as the British comedian Seymour Hicks once quipped:

“Nobody knows more about women than I do. And I know nothing about them.’

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32 thoughts on “Seven worst inventions by Nairobian women that really suck

  1. The depth of articulation man……excelent.commendable.

    Bout yu, y cant we ordain yu as the ‘king of observation-Nairobian lifestyles’
    ,
    who is objecting?

  2. I have laughed a six pack on reading this 😀 it’s writing like this that makes me happy!

    Waiting for an unsuspecting lady to read this and blog a comeback furiously 😀

  3. You have been keen brother. You have seen everything that a man needs to run away from. Thes fake pretenders just need to go to hell- straight. And they they do all that to get your attention, your money and your seed! poor lazy girls…

  4. U got it right Sila,I grtly agree on i drink wine n on leggings,correctly observed.good work my frnd

  5. No worder a lady told me that she wanted to give her husband her virginity yet the size of her breast brought doubts because they were like two guards hunged on a chest for a old breastfeeding grandmother are small

  6. …..very tru!!!almost evr woman find herslf classy while doing what u av written above…..though some of em r also done by men!!!tc not only for the kenyans bt also othr countries in E.A and africa as whole……LET THE BRAVE READ AND TAKE IT FROM THERE AND THE STUPID READ AND SEE IT AS NONSENSE…..GETRUDE MORRISY FROM TANZANIA….

  7. ‘Women! If only they had the biological capacity to spell, pronounce and articulate the word SIMPLE, the world will be a better place.’ Couldn’t have put in any better!! I just wish they could all read and heed to this call!!

  8. NKT This man is indeed form the village, you go marry from your sublocation area, who is forcing you into Nairobi women. whats wrong with leggings, of course its something unheard of in the village.
    And for the eateries, I think you have no money, most def. for emoticons, i think you have gone too far.
    of course you are a writer, thats what you are. Goal achieved. Have you thought of the things men do that really suck?

    1. Ouchie, that almost hurt. Why so much bile my dear? You can tell me of the Nairobian men’s most annoying habits and I can highlight them, or better still you can highlight them and I can post that.

  9. I agree with some of what you said but also disagree with a lot. This is funny though I’m not sure it should be taken seriously

  10. LOL! Man this is definately on top of the best lists av read in a while, some r plain funny, but athaz nw tht i thnk of it r realy annoying,.. Nyc job man,

  11. hahahah sooo true..am hating maself for not knowing bout this blog before. but now am soo lovin it!!thumbs up

  12. there were some famous people called evelyn or evelin(e) – maybe the name everline developed through a typos

  13. lets see you write something positive like any good men or women out there, any good relationship role models in campus? there’s people out here looking for positivity

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