Thing with women like Zawadi, Caroline Mutoko and the likes
“You will have to get laid while you are in Germany!” my colleague Bon-I was telling me as we smoked in his balcony prior to my visit to Germany.
“You are a factory of excuses; you have 10 damn days or more, do something, Omera Bwana!”
I gave my usually sheepish smile and remained quiet as Bon-I laid me bare on the basic facts of conquest. He is a pro and a teacher, therefore. Bon-I was like the millionth man to tell me the words.
Other had told me to marry my way out of misery while in Germany. Others to leave an Obamalette so that the first black German president will be my seed. So much for Obama Snr being so adventurous. And Kenyans are known for their adventurous spirit. Otherwise America wouldn’t be having a black man at the top.
Speaking of Kenyans and their wild oats’ scattering abilities, other than Obama, notably, Wrestler Dennis Otunga( Father to Jeniffer Hudson’s kid) is a son of a Kenyan father. Black female author Fabu Mogaka was also once married to Kenyan man. And many others. That is the spirit my male friends wanted me to carry with me to Europe. They wanted me to come back with tales about German women outside the realms of books. It was a huge responsibility and they could hear none of my often ready-made excuses once I got back home.
Good thing, none was serious and they were just being sarcastic about how some black men from Africa and especially Kenya have ended up disappearing with tourists or marrying white women and men if only to escape the misery back home. Actually any trip to Europe or anywhere else is invariably treated as an opportunity to strike gold. In fact, the reality and this fantasy cannot be reconciled easily until you get out of the country.
So much for being a man.You have to be macho, and part of that is ensuring that you get laid as often as possible. The more from other tribes, races and background, the more heroic you are. Women are not afforded the same luxury. But thankfully they are dealing with this double standards pretty good lately. The biggest disappointment about my trip is that it was a highly academic trip with an inflexible schedule for some hanky-panky (Bon-I, is that being an excuse factory, already?).
It was not a question of being inventive.
Disaster: It is a Literature trip and anyone who studies Literature, can tell you that we are all one opinionated and cautious lot.
Catastrophe: The only German woman I knew prior to my trip was Angela Merkel. So my knowledge of the German ladies and their behavior and attitude was as good as Kenyan policeman and the constitution.
Calamity: We had such a limited time to readjust our prejudices, acclimatize ourselves with the climate, get used to trading with the Euro and we were nastily encumbered with too much movement and initial fears.
Tragedy: Time was really flying. OK, call it excuses but I learnt something else that I wish to share with readers here.
Germany women have possibly the best smiles. They are conservatively beautiful and I didn’t see that they have much time for make up or fashion. Not to say that they dress or their fashion sense is bad, per se. They just do the right thing. Something you would wish upon our Nairobian women. But some consolation: they do tights, that ugly piece of clothing like stockings that is normally done with short skirts, though in Nairobi, more and more women are comfortable getting out of the house with it only and a T-shirt. Grotesque. Very soon, they might paint their bodies and get out of the house like that.
Back to Zawadi and Women of her kind.
I have written many things about her and it is time I explained why. For the record, nothing going on here, so none should read too much. She is just a friend. Period.
Think of a woman with a Caroline Mutoko attitude and mannerisms plus Cess Mutungi’s sassy voice and quirkiness. Add a natural intelligence and spontaneity. Add an admirable forthrightness. OK, add an impatience for fools, be they men or women. Add humour on top of that. Add opinionated to it. And you have Zawadi. She is beautiful and has a beautiful personality as well.
Only that she possesses the kind of confidence that scares men away. She is very much likely to be heard making comments about men publicly as you would expect Caroline Mutoko to do. By the way I am a big admirer of Caroline Mutoko, for she is self-made and often tells-it like it is. My kind of people. Only that her bad-ass attitude does not endear her to many people. And I only hate her because she talks bad stuff about men. She is single, and no man in Kenya will try to drop a ring down her finger. Not in the short run. And the biological clock is not her side yet. Did I hear that she adopted a child?
This is the thing, confident women often scare men away. Especially men of my age, weaned on T.V and the era of equality. Sadly, enough, empowering women in all cultures simply means disempowering men. No society has come with a formula of ensuring there is balance of things. Men are no longer men, hence they hardly stand women who seem to be wielding too much power or who seem all too opinionated.
Women like Zawadi have a confidence that is a double-edged sword. It protects them from bad men, but again repels the good men away from them. As already noted, good men are either gay, wimps, or nerds. A woman always wants a man with a little bit of everything; some animal magnetism, some kindness, some gallantry, some good looks, height, humour, charm and money. Biologically, it is hardly possible to come up with a man with all these traits. The ones around with them are either players, or in Hollywood.
At best, most of us are average in many attributes. Our humour, is measured and often borrowed from Google. We have no hand in on how we turn out morphologically. Those who come out all too strong repel those of us who are timid to a greater or lesser degree.
Zawadis and the Mutokos of this world are cholerics and sanguine, meaning that they are authoritative and talkative. Authority and rhetoric are tools of the oppressors at any given level, administrative, domestic and emotional. That means these women have to learn life realities such as a life of single hood for a man, especially the present generation does not know how to handle pressure from women. It is bad enough having a good woman who whines and nags. Now having a woman who knows what she wants out of life can be something else.
Men want a woman they can at least dominate, not in the patriarchal, chauvinistic way, anymore. But at least a woman who would let him be the one wearing pants in the house, even if it means opening the wine bottle. When a woman is DIY, sort of, men run away.
So this is an open letter to successful, authoritative, academic and career women, you come out too strongly and there are no strong enough men left out here. The strong ones are already attracted to weaker women. Weaker does not mean stupid or some couch potato to be tossed around. It means those women who know what it takes to be a woman don’t believe in the highly deceptive concept that it is a man’s world. It is a woman’s world, if a woman learns to utilize her femininity. Gold diggers, blondes, femme fatales and prostitutes have already demonstrated that men think through their groins.
At a more professional level, there are women who have shown that you don’t have to go the bare knuckled way. You can mix the tough traits and your femininity to get there and at least keep a man.