Why buying Viagra is a tough act for young men…

Ever been sent a stool sample by a doc? I have never. But I bet it is not in the list of top 5000 funniest things. Last week I was tasked with the unenviable task of fetching Viagra for Freddie and ended up visiting 23 pharmacies and chemists, which is just about walking the whole CBD.


Buying a pack of condoms requires a set of three things: anonymity or familiarity; brilliance or dumbness; balls of steel or indifference. It is never a straight forward matter. Chances that you always get the wrong person on the other end are 90%. It is always a motherly or fatherly figure or a young woman who serves you with a sinister grin that you cannot comprehend whether it is envy that you are getting some or pity that you are perverted.

Buying Viagra for a young man (put it 25-35) requires three things; anonymity, dumbness, and indifference. Trust you me, nothing is a sure give away than getting to your pharmacist and asking for the blue pill. Viagra is a reserve for older, potbellied men with Erectile Dysfunction.

But young men do go for what is referred to euphemistically as vitality drugs. These drugs that are advertised in the gents of every night club have become increasingly popular as a substitute to the failing libido of men. I have not figured out why they have not followed the conventional mainstream advertising. They promise instant rewards and users have not complained. They are natural or so they claim and a number of local pharmaceuticals are supplying.

Last Tuesday Fred was back in town. Those unfamiliar with Fred here is a brief intro. He is my randy cousin. He drinks sex. He eats sex. He reads sex. He worships sex. He pays for sex. He sleeps sex. He works for sex. He is a pervert and has a knack for picking really gorgeous redheads with personalities of wolves, bitches, female warthogs and anything in between. Where he gets them, only the devil knows. As in the earlier post where I explained that he brought two prostitutes who stole from our crib, he was back in town and sent me on a fool’s errand to fetch Viagra for him, and what a mess it was?

See, I am your average straight, honest guy. I like my drink Tusker (served extremely cold) and cigarettes (Dunhils have a certain balmy effect on me). When I am lucky I run into a chick who has the patience with my usually outdated stories to get it in with. Those moments are few and far between. Yet I’m surrounded in a sea of categorically beautiful women, that my friends are getting tired for my stunted speed at capitalizing on such opportunities.

My friends and folks are a different lot altogether. I pack the randiest, lustful, lecherous bunch of guys. They are always getting some whether from their exes, girlfriends, friends with no-strings-attached, one night stands, chips fungas or whoever. I’m a letdown since in that sector I am as good as Fernando Torres at Chelsea. Suffice to say that I have access to some of the hottest beauties that Nairobi can offer. Since I am beyond help but still go hanging out with these highly virile men, I invariably endure their exploits, sometimes enjoying rather vicariously. By the way this paragraph is extremely unnecessary, let us cut this crap to what transpired last Tuesday.

At exactly 4.47pm, I was done with my routine visit to town and wanted to get home before the exhaustive Traffic took over Jogoo Road. But Fred was back from Western Kenya and this time apparently to get laid and get laid only. For a whole week, I had been ‘sexiled’ in my own house. I have spent time on the sofa in the living room as Freddie and his woman rule the bedroom.

Somebody protect me from my friends. I am safe with my enemies. There is no way I can deny Fred the bedroom and I have had to put up with his lewd self and a shapely mama who is the most possessive woman I have ever seen. I was a stranger in my house for a whole week. To compound my problems Freddie decided to send me the most humiliating errand, after of course the humbling, yet highly humiliating stool sample debacle in hospitals.

Tragedy 1.
I am a young man. What use that does young man has with Viagra?

Tragedy 2.
I am a tall bugger. At 6’4, albeit skinny, it is an impressionable height. Now we all know the stereotype with tall men. We are well endowed, energetic and of course masters in the game. Women fantasize with or about us as much as men ‘fap’(masturbation for those not on Twitter) with beautiful women. Of course the truth of the matter and this stereotypical fantasy have never don’t know each other.

Tragedy 3.
It is Tuesday for heaven sake. Who is in need of Viagra at the start of the week?

Tragedy 4.
I was only having bus fare.

Tragedy 5.
All chemists are virtually run by young women in town.

But Fred did call.
“Cheki, hebuni bebee Enzoy sachet ka tatu.”

What? Did I get it right? I was holding my breath and was almost questioning whatever that had happened his legendary virility but he hang up on me and switched off his phone. Which basically meant that I had to get him the vitality drug through the thick and thin as he was not ready for any explanation. Besides Fred gets what Fred wants. So I was in a quintrilemma (should mean five dilemmas)

I walked to the bank to try and withdraw the only remaining Kshs 200, just but to get Freddie Viagra. How demeaning? The lengths men go to ensure that their men get some…We have ever eaten school fee with my buddy Bon-I. We have slept on floors for our friends. We have spent many sleepless nights in the cold waiting for our friends to wrap up but they go into extra times and penalties. But it is only funny if it is reciprocal. But if you are always in the receiving end, the joke ends.

I was at Koja as I picked the call. I banked on my facelessness and walked into the nearest chemists at the far end of Tom Mboya and stood in the relatively tiny chemists with amiable Luo attendants. Two were busy serving and I stood staring at the counter, afraid of stating what I wanted, exactly. If I had an STI, I could have trembled less.

A tall, dark middle-aged man of Luo descent walked wearing a disapproving look like he knew what I was up to. And then entered a really beautiful woman in her late 20s who picked some anti-diarrhoea tablets and I couldn’t help noticing the irony. A young, tall man asking for Viagra, and a young beautiful woman with diarrhoea, though I heard her say something to the effect of food poisoning. Anyway, she looked rich and for the rich it is always a stomach upsets or food poisoning. For you and I, it is and will always be diarrhoea. Another irony, she had the balls to ask without as much as batting an eyelid. May be I am a bit childish.

I faked a phone call and walked out. And with that begun one of the most useless walks around the CBD.

I crossed the road and went to somewhere around Roost House. I got into a chemist. There were two proprietors. A man in his early 40s and an old woman, old enough to be my mother. The gentleman had an easy, even understandable face but he was serving another lady who was buying some Flu Gone. The old woman sat far away and aloof, wearing a very sad face, may be the right one given she was dispensing medicine to ailing souls. As the man served, he ran out of the wrappers and stepped into the inside rooms to get some. The old woman asked me in a rustic accent that sounded Meru,

“Nikusaidiaje?” she was sympathetic and empathetic.
I sighed absent mindedly; I actually faked this and wondered out aloud,

“Nilidhanini Agrovet.” How dumb of me?

I promised myself that I was going to buy in the next chemist no matter what, but that is easier said than done. I walked into the next chemist. There were two ladies who seemed jumpy and excited. Now, I have bad luck with such kind of women. I figured out that if I bought, I was likely to run into them in a night club. Believe you me my instincts are always right. If that ever happened, they will be gossiping about me given they know my dirty little secret. I skipped.

I convinced myself in the next pharmacy, I was going to ask about it like I had been sent and wanted the best for my randy uncle. But as I moved back to Moi Avenue and eventually to Kimathi Street, it was increasingly becoming an uphill task. Who could save me from myself? I was perturbed. Fred is not the type that you give a silly explanations that you were afraid. I called on my bolder mates but none was in town.

I thought of the supermarket but I always have bad luck. I was once caught with a very religious friend of mine buying some rubbers and it was an embarrassment as he gave me very judgmental looks as the supermarket attendant took her time wrapping them up for me.

I stood outside Sarova Stanley in mental turmoil comparable to what Gaddafi must be going through. I counted one to ten. I told myself, I was going to select a street at random and any chemists there, I would walk in and get Enzoy, Stamina or whatever that could help boost Freddie’s virility. If there comes a time Freddie needs such kind of drugs, no matter how demanding his women are in bed, it is not a good sign for the entire manhood of this country. Freddie is the answer to the stereotype that men from my community are virile. But if he wants to dope in bed, it left me wondering.

I picked Koinange Street (Funny, right?). I walked up and straight went into the first chemist I came across. No sooner I stood in the counter and placed my order than cold, small feminine hands held my eyes from behind in that lower primary school playful manner. What I normally do, if it is a man, I normally hold his balls instantly and he jerks off, cursing. If it is a lady, I am normally patient. Turns out the lady is Cynthia. Cynthia…*I wanted the ground to open up and swallow men. And then there was a blackout.

No there was no blackout, Cynthia wanted me to be served so that we could walk to the stage together…the sixth tragedy…call it Hexilemma…

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Why buying Viagra is a tough act for young men…

  1. ” Freddie is the answer to the stereotype that men from my community are virile. But if he wants to dope in bed, it left me wondering.”………. Funniest post since i discovered ua blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s