Of condom bursts and other awkward bedroom accidents

Everyone who regularly partakes in sex knows two irrefutable facts about protection. One, not many people believe in consistency. Two, condoms have a way of bursting, every so often. Virtually every sexually active man I have spoken to has admitted that once or twice, the little thing has disappointed spontaneously causing considerable anxiety.

It happens when people are drunk. It happens when people are sober. It happens when people are most careful. It happens when people are reckless. It happens during the day. It happens at night. It happens with trusted branded rubbers. It happens with cheap, free and doubtful brands.

For men, it happens on the verge of breaking off (read cuming), potentially putting the woman in jeopardy. It happens when one picks a prostitute or that random risky date. It happens with the virgin who entrusts you with the noble responsibility of introducing her to the ultimate reason of human existence: sex. It happens when she is at her most fertile and vulnerable. Basically it happens at the most dramatic point of the involved individuals’ lives. Like when the man is broke.

Now, nothing spoils a good mood than a rubber getting torn during the act, no less arousing when one is drunk. It is an instant kill joy. Of course the pervert can get a new one and move on with matters on hand but the psychological disturbance of the discovery will override everything and it leaves many a sexually active man in doubts about his HIV status. We all know those of us who consider a visit to a VCT a confirmation of our positivity. And boy! Don’t we dread that one moment?

No wonder I always encounter some really pretty women excited when they are confirmed negative. About five have ever hugged me profusely like I date them when they received the news that they are negative, or was it an offer? It leaves with many oohs and aahs and ‘Kumbe they mess around’. Just goes to show that we like it fresh and fleshy.

Many people in relatively long and stable relationships drop the rubber altogether and the young woman would rather bank on P2s, their devastating effects on their bodies’ health in the long run notwithstanding. We, the younger generation, it seems have an unquenchable lust that finds the rubber unfairly limiting, hence the risk. For a man, we can only think of AIDS. For a woman, there is pregnancy and there is AIDS. Local research has shown that young women are more scared of pregnancy than AIDS.

We are unfortunate to be growing in an era where protection is a natural part of making love. The exciting days of tubeless love are long gone. In the past, gonorrhea and syphilis were curable. But AIDS is still a nightmare and it seems to be quite deep rooted and if real statistics were to be released they can be baffling. But however scary, most women are not responsible enough and normally entrust their men to make that life-changing decision mostly with disastrous results. Men can be convincing.

How men deal with it?
I don’t know the immediate worst fear of women, but those who act unconcerned are considered by men as loose and reckless and can make a man to be extremely worried. But those who go raving mad offer some little reassurance that at least they care about sexual safety, but from my statistics, men are normally more worried about the situation than women on average.

For young men, any sexual activity is hypothetically risky. Any condom bursts involuntarily throws the man into panic. It is selfish I must admit and often the safety of the lady is secondary. Ironically any average man thinks he is likely to be messed by a woman that he can mess her up. While the statistics somehow favour men on this ground, this assumption wrongly presumes all women are infected or always capable of getting pregnant (which is quite right to an extent.) But for men, it is about him, never about the woman. Therefore, women ought to be duly in charge of their sexuality.

When a man discovers that there is puncture, the reaction is normally instant if he is not drunk. But if he is drunk he might opt to go to the end but in the morning the regret is cancerous. Especially, if it was a woman who looked a professional Chips Funga. The fear can only be assuaged by a casual visit a VCT but that is easier said than done. It is a nagging and recurring fear that will scour his mind every wakeful morning.

In the next coming days, he will be constantly afraid of the call. That call when a woman calls claiming that her periods are not forthcoming and she thinks you owe her explanation. Women under such circumstances are or pretend to be indecisive, caught up in the trap of the unexpected pregnancy, the unending abortion debates and school or career in a deathtrap.

Drunkenness and sex
I have encountered young women who told me they like hard liquor or getting drunk when they want to get down with it with like hell. A few weeks ago, I met this extremely gorgeous chick in an upmarket club. She looked of middle class descent and probably in college, at most 22. She spoke a nice cocktail of English, Swahili and sheng. She was completely sloshed but reasonably aware of my presence and constantly reminded me that she liked tall men. She wanted us to get into their car and get something going on.

Now, I no longer drink alcohol to stupendously drunken levels and could only sympathize with this lady who called herself Joan. I excused myself into the gents and disappeared. May be she hated me but we have morals to protect and such opportunities always come but you just have to flip the coin and ask how often does she do that and with who?

It is proven that most condom bursts are happen when individuals are drunk and the sexual pleasure overrides everything at the moment. Drunken sex brings with it all the hedonism that defines modern living but also the consequences. The morning visits to the pharmacists and chemists on Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays are a pointer to unprotected sex and CD bursts.

There are a number of considerations that account for CD bursts; lack of lubrication, temporary vaginismus (google that) expired condoms, having the outer side as the inside (how drunken can one be) , wrong size of the condom (both in terms of length and girth) and too much humping hungrily fast and so forth. Other than lubrication, it is mostly a man’s fault. But again, there is connection between foreplay and lubrication.

It is not immaturity. There are no experts. Even regulars


2 thoughts on “Of condom bursts and other awkward bedroom accidents

  1. true dat! it has hapend to almost everyone.a caring man wil stop n wil admit of the condom burst even at their most vulnerable.about chics being afraid more of pregnancy than AIDS,TRUE! Its about the immediate effects,,wat wil pipo say?my parents? but of coz what they dont realize is that once the baby is here evrythng gets back to normal, with AIDS its forever! Advise? stick to one partner so that incase of condom burst? u can always be sure!

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