All those awkward moments: uncut, uncensored

Anyone on Twitter knows the common worldwide trend with the hush tag‘#Thatawkwardmoment’… It is my favourite as individuals compete filling in what they regularly consider awkward with a likelihood of some universal agreement. And why not?

Such moments always show up, quite frequently and sometimes in the least likely moments. Some are unspoken, like when you let out that nasty fart and you are oppressed in the pungent, obnoxious odour, helplessly praying that nobody shows up. And they do show up…Some are random acts that are embarrassing or annoying but funny nonetheless.

In my pervert mind, this week I gather what I consider really awkward moments in my life and I hope it cuts across as much as possible…Here, tie your belt, nod along, laugh a little, frown upon me for a second, hate me in the long run but here is to a start in my comedy career…
• It is always awkward for men, especially starters in the game putting condoms under the bed or pillow, in anticipation for sex from the visiting girlfriend. It is always awkward if the shag is not really guaranteed and you have to bargain over the pillow. It is doubly awkward if she refuses and you have to pray that she doesn’t stumble upon them.

• It is much awkward if the roll of tissue paper was not in the bedroom and you have to sneak it in with a sheepish smile or feigning indifference.

• It is awkward when your closest friend mouth stinks and he or she is whispering to you and you can’t tell them so.

• Awkward is when you are visiting and you are served with really hot food and you take a spoonful and it burns you so much that you have to swallow it painfully…it burns and tears stream out of your eyes in embarrassment.

• It is awkward if you pretend to be a sophisticated person and you go to those poshy homes and the electronics there are too complicated to your understanding and you are told to do anything at your pleasure. Goodness! Even the remote, is a touch.

• You know that moment when you are shaving down Karura and you are taking different positions, while you have locked yourself fully…

• While in those sophisticated home, you are served with a hand wash and you don’t know how to proceed and you are too ashamed to ask for directions. While at it, you don’t know how to open those expensive rum bottles or a fruit sachet. You proceed to do the needful and end up pouring it all over the place.

• There is this awkward moment when you are with your averagely looking girlfriend and one of your buddies unknowingly makes a sarcastic remarks about their looks or lack of class and it is irreversible. It is even ‘awkwader’ for the boys who know about it and have to stifle a laughter, just but not to hurt you, especially if you are really sentimental about it…This has ever happened to me when my intrepid, journalist friend Tony had a lash for my crush. Boy it was nasty…Bon-I do you remember?

• You know that really enervating moment when your mother or aunt explains to you how they used to wash you and your nappies and how you hated water in from of the extended family, or your childhood nickname that really pisses you off pops up and everyone laughs

• That awkward moment when you are watching a movie that seems to be really entertaining to your partner and you can’t simply get it but you have to play along and it is two and half hours long.

• That awkward moment when you want to get to bed quickly and shag but this visiting friend has so many stories that are endless and you can’t chase him or her. Your chick is acting up really tired and sleepy but still he can’t get it…You have to act disinterested until they go…you get to bed, she is pretends to be asleep and she jumps back to life and the first thing she says…’Haki huyo Fred si ako na story mob…’

• Awkward is when you are seated in a restaurant as equals and having drunk or eaten and you don’t know who is to foot the bill and one person offers to settle his own bill, unsettling the dude who wanted to feel boss and angering those who wanted to ride on someone’s generosity.

• There is that moment when you hit your ex’s lover and she declines when you thought she had sent all the obvious cues…so much for misreading.

• Ever been in that really awkward situation where you meet your ex with her new lover who happens to be knowing you and you both burn in the idea that you have drunk from the same well and chicka feigning some seriousness like she has never used the two straws to…

• There is that awkward moment when you are all in the sitting room and guys are kissing on the tube and the remote is inaccessible and you have to pretend to be doing something else over the phone…or when Jimmy Gathu or Trust Condoms ad runs pops up and your conservative uncle is visiting.

• Ever skimmed through a porn flick, playing for as long as 5 minutes and skipping claiming that there will never be nothing new in the porn industry and you hate porn while you are continuously watching…

• Ever been caught ogling by your girlfriend and when she asked you and you came up with such a dump excuse like…’She looks like my cousin Imelda…

• Ever been in a small class and the teacher asks a seemingly simple question that no one can answer and everyone expects you to answer and you are just as helpless.

• There is that awkward moment when you run into an old friend, preferably from high school who was homo or used to wet his or her bed and you seem not to get over the images and you constantly have to pretend that it is not an issue anymore.

• You know that awkward moment that you introduce your below par (by whatever standards) boyfriend/girlfriend and your folks simply ignore and the friend can see that and you try to put in something like, ‘my folks are often indifferent around strangers or you become much frank and admit you host a bunch of snobbish folks.

• There is that awkward moment for men when you are at it and she is demanding some more and you don’t seem to be cuming and you have to keep struggling, lest she labels you a weakling…something no man wants to be labeled.

• There is that awkward moment when someone from your community does something really nasty and all your friends turn to you for an explanation, think Onyancha. Or Alfred Mutua, Bon-I explain to me this one…or when a Luhyia decides to make a wife out of a hen…

• There is that moment that you eat a lot of proteins like smokies, sausages, eggs and you consume a lot of liquor and you wake up in the morning and you know you can’t kiss…what does that thing smell like…?

• Ever tried name-dropping and big talk to impress a chick only for your efforts to fall flat. She has been there, done that…

• This one we all do it… Checking on the profiles and walls of our exes and wishful lovers and quickly checking out afraid that they might notice you were there…

• We all do it…takes time to reply a text in order not to seem desperate…

• There is that time you finish eating last and you take the plate to the sink and someone senior is doing the dishes, almost finishing and you sneak in and out, not knowing their exact facial reaction.

• Ever been to those houses where the toilet is right at the sitting room and you can’t go about doing your thing afraid of the likely foully smell or you could be riding (and a big vehicle, it is.)

• Ever had a lover who is a sloppy kisser who is insistent and you don’t know how to fend him or her off?

• At the swimming pool. Ever gone there just but to ogle until you have a boner you don’t wanna get out of water. Only perverts can be on in cold water…debatable

• Chicks, how do you normally feel when you packing that odd stuff in the bag…you know condoms, tons of makeup, food, shoes, clothes…

• Chips funga…there is that re-awakening moment in the morning you discover that neon lights in a club and beer have an effect on your eyes and you really fungad a particularly ugly thing and she insists that you walk her to the stage and you have to make all those turns in the block and she is calling you sweets and baby.

• Are you the type that gets embarrassed using sweet nothings and your partner insists on the same?

• Ever been told to offer a prayer and you simply cannot compose one impromptu.


3 thoughts on “All those awkward moments: uncut, uncensored

  1. That awkward moment when you are feeling like IT but your buddy keeps bringing more stories. This is the most awkward of all awkward moments. The man can’t read the air while you and your mate can’t find the air to breath… The tension… I just love the piece

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