In the absence of height, charm, wit, humour, Money and what it can bring has the same biological effects on a woman, thus sometimes someone has to spend in order to get a woman to bed.
Ksh 137,000. That is the amount of money my buddie Osborne spent on his girlfriend this past Easter down at the Coast. No exaggeration. Consider, they took that unfamiliar air route, were housed in some swankier hotels in Malindi, Mombasa and Lamu. It could be more I suspect.
Osborne is one of my quiet and reserved friends. An ardent Liverpool fan, he is a different kind of guy. Can be painfully adamant, like insisting on supporting Liverpool. He is short, invariably in the most expensive casual wear. He possesses a sharp, quick wit and some substantial intellectual nerve that can sustain a decent conversation on worldly affairs. He is a big fan of my writings, both in this blog as well as in the newspaper and often agrees with my often debatable take on things.
Lisa, the girlfriend-wonder where she got that name from, it is too gisty for a Kenyan woman-is your next door type of lady. She is not immediately beautiful. But there is a sexual aura about her that is tangibly sensual. She has that desirably slender figure and signs of acquired class are evident. The type that discovers what a carrot cake is and develops a sudden inexplicable liking for it.
She looks the type who can make a very dutiful mistress in the future. Loyal as long as the cash is coming. Lisa, like fish, has a specific liking to shiny things in life. She looks the type who can abandon you if your pocket becomes inconsistent without as much as a backward glance.
Osborne on the other hand is possibly the richest kid in my class. His bank account must have clocked a million, courtesy of family business and his sharp business acumen. He is a romantic but his approach is heartbreakingly destructive and financially crippling.
Here is the catch; they broke up upon returning from the Coast and Lisa moved onto the next chap disposing Osborne as a used tampon.
I was having some real animated chat with Osborne as he narrated this to me and actually he felt like a used tampon. He was at the right place, but at the wrong time.
This got me thinking. Just how should campus guys spend on the objects of their desire?
I will not be the best one to judge, given I have had my fare share of financial indiscretions. I have spent money recklessly on women. And by this, I don’t mean the cheap dinners and the countable beers in the crowded clubs of Nairobi.
Just slightly more than a year ago, my dawg Bon-I and yours truly smoked our hard earned cash on two women, up in Kapsabet where we had gone for a burial ceremony of a departed fellow.
See, we had just been paid on a Thursday, something that can pay rent for six months in a decent neighbourhood such as South C. The following day, some two young lasses had accompanied us and we had other parallel arrangement to the funeral. The funeral went on fine. Later on in the evening in Eldoret, we were drinking very pricey drinks and booked into the most expensive hotels for two days. My dawg Bon-I was getting his groove on while my catch had busted me in the least likely of twists to a story that I can’t discuss in this forum.
But we learnt. We did, for sure.
When I was growing up, it was considered taboo to give women money in order to get laid. This may be explains the stinginess of my clansmen. It was presumed that any man worth his salt could pull down a woman’s pant without spending even a single cent. That was in the village. Even buying soda was a sign of weakness. Those who were known to be spending were deemed weak, stupid and silly.
However, for me, I always held that there are men who must spend in order to get laid. And we ain’t discussing prostitution here. I mean, buying a dinner, some chocolate or flowers, whatever she fancies. Some men are not gifted with even a small modicum of charm, wit, humour and height to turn a woman on. And as far as nature can provide, that is the much women demand. The only other alternative is money. Money and what it can bring has the same biological effect on women as the aforesaid qualities.
Ever wondered how some men can lay just about any woman without spending even a single cent? Ever wondered why some chaps are always under undue pressure to impress, if only to get laid? You have seen those women who you must deliver pizza on Tuesday, a burger on Thursday, take her to a movie on Friday, get her out of town and then at the end of the day the only reward you can get is some pornographic sex, that is if she is generous enough. Recent research has shown that, the most demanding women can hardly pull any magic in bed.
Spending on a campus chick is a risky adventure. By spending, I don’t mean the Friday night clubbing and buying pizza on Tuesdays. I mean really big time spending. Yeah. Buying phones and other fancy electronics. Going out in the Mara, or the Coast and other affordable destinations.
We spend on women for a number of reasons. The first and the most obvious, is to get laid. There are women whom all you need is buying simple dinners, drinks and going out occasionally and you are good to go. Think the pant-removing powers of black ice. This is the quickest route to get laid.
Secondly, we spend to retain the chicks we really want to keep. The women we really value as girlfriends or candidates for wives. This is normally a very rational way of spending. Highly recommended and rarely does a man has to overspend. If you have to borrow money from a friend or a soft loan in order to sustain a relationship, walk out. She is simply out of your league. In Nairobi, women come with price tags.
Thirdly, we spend to impress on women. As men we have egos as big as the Chinese wall. When we unleash cash and treats, awing women, it is a sure turn on. This is common place, especially if you are a pseudo celebrity in the company of female groupies with exquisite tastes. Have you ever noticed that women are a very understanding lot? They always try to eat the best you can afford.
Hence you have this lady from Buru, who can eat your chips and chicken and compliments you profusely. The following day, she will be in Trattoria in the company of his white boyfriend ordering sea food. We have ladies who can take beer if that is what you can afford, but if you look loaded, Zappa and other overpriced cocktails served in fashionably moulded glasses will do.
Finally, we often spend for good time sake. We often get these good women whom you don’t really mind sitting down and eating just about anything and talking about just anything. We have those women who are not gold diggers, not bitchy or have those really fanciful tastes. If anything, they can even foot their own bill. Or they are not really loaded but out of your own volition, you decide to spend on them.
The issue here is how much is enough, considering we are competing with really impressionable yuppies who drive cheap Toyotas. It is scientifically proven that cars have an aphrodisiac effect on a certain class of shallow women. They see a ride and they can pull down their pants faster than you can say, er, pants. OK: What does a car and six bottles of Black Ice have on women? Clue: refer to the preceding sentence.
Given that we are not very much loaded, I always advice my friends to cut their coat according to their cloth. In a university such as ours, our women are extremely exposed to varied tastes that we can ill-afford to sustain their demands. It is not their fault. Blame the environment, the TV, the magazines and the rotten city that is Nairobi. Of course we are on course towards fulfilling the vicious cycle of coming back to hanyaing in campus.
Thus before one spends, one must determine what is in it for him. If it is a quick lay, get to know when you will cut it off. If you want a stable relationship, it doesn’t hurt to let her know your exact financial ability. A woman who loves you specifically for your money is dangerous and selfish. A woman who loves you for your cock is dangerous, selfish and immoral. A woman who loves you for who you are is the best thing that can happen. And getting one is as rare as meeting a young woman who can admit to have done an abortion, yet there are like three in every five. By the way I’m not a statistician.
Spend wisely. Remember, women retain all the memories about the good things they do to you; meaning, the freaky bedroom moments. They have an hormone called, forgetiosis that makes them to conveniently forget all the best things that you ever bought for them. Women.
So as you spend, establish if she is the right woman. Whatever you spend, it should correspond with your income. Spending over Ksh 100 000 and for you to be left so casually can break any man’s heart, and in deed Osborne is now reeling from the financially disastrous effects of Easter. Lisa on the other hand seems so comfortable with her new catch, a loaded man in junior class. I can’t see any trace of guilt in her. Lisa. Women.