Of screamers and SEXILES

Warning: This blog contains highly sexual content that might border on pornography. The reader’s discretion is highly encouraged if you have to read on. But out of curiosity, I know you will certainly read, anyway. No offence intended. This is a dedication to all those women who put in an effort to teach men a thing or two where it matters.Rating:PG

“Utaeza ogeza mbao nipige nduru wadhani wewe ni jogoo kamiri,”(spoken in a nice Kiuk accent:No Stereotyping or offense intended), a prostitute offers in a sexual bargaining exercise down in Koinange or elsewhere men pick.


If there are women who fully understand the sexual psychology of men, then it must be prostitutes. Even though, your typical 21 year old girl in Nairobi can astound or even scare you out of bed, the prostitute still do it better. I must put it clear from the get-go that I have never picked and I don’t intend but at my age, I’m sufficiently informed at the happenings down K-street. With that weak excuse we can get on.


At some point in his life, a man needs that wild, exhaustive sex. Just as there are very few men who can make women discover the much overrated big O, there are very few women with the requisite experience to give a man that unforgettable experience. All the men I know always cherish that one act. That one act that got them singing, begging for more. We learn to regard such women quite highly in the sexual gossip circles and secretly plan to have our fifteen seconds with her…often it ends at that wishful stage.


Most women around are masquerades. I’m far from being the SEXPERT(sic) on these matters, my dawg Machiaveli(figure him out) knows better. But I know most of the women sometimes try to recreate pornography in the bedroom,  sometimes to disastrous levels. When not reliving B-rated pornography, they are enacting the girl gossip, often to calamitous levels. And those advanced sometimes get their tips from the glossy magazines, obviously to catastrophic levels. Girls what works for Natasha, cannot necessarily work for you.


And with that we delve into one of the sectors that they keep on getting it all wrong: SCREAMING AND MOANING.

Screaming and moaning
Let us just agree that nothing augments a sexual experience like some nice, real and natural moaning in the background. It fires the man’s energy, flatters his ego and is the only possible way a woman can appreciate accordingly to the man’s thrusts. But not all the moaning is true, real or desirable.


Just like a sound track to a movie, there are certain special  effects some good moaning can bring to the bedroom. If the soundtrack is boring, it can affect the quality of the movie. I don’t know where the women in Nairobi picked this habit of deceptive moaning but it is serving men pretty wrongly.
So let us examine the reasons women moan and really scream…

1. It is good
Any woman can moan to variable degrees depending on how the man is unlocking all the pleasure points in her body. It is an art that a man has to learn. For the well hung men, the sheer size is enough to get her screaming,  awaking the whole neighbourhood. Women like size. And if size meets style, she will definitely moan accordingly and this is the sole reason some women opt to stick with some men even when the men are abusive and very unfaithful. Any woman honest to herself knows that there are certain things you cannot buy in a shop or replace easily.
Resultantly, she will constantly moan in a feeling way as only as natural as she can.
2. It is bad


Sometimes sex can be painful. It happens if the man is well hung but never went to a class of style. It happens when she runs out of lubrication. Thank goodness that the brave ones come with their own lubrication and those scented condoms…mayo! When it dries down there, it stops being funny and she can scream if the man is insistent. It is important if the man can terminate the act and invest in some exciting foreplay but most men, especially from Western Kenya don’t have that patience and can penetrate hurtfully making her scream and groan. You know, those strangulated grunts. They should not be mistaken for heroic exploits.


3. Trying to impress the man
One of the best qualities that women possess is their ability to understand the inadequacy of men and flatter our egos,  nonetheless. See, without this moaning, a man might not know exactly  how he is fairing unless he is shown some direction. When a woman moans, even if faking it, it builds a man’s confidence and he can struggle to remain atop of his game.


97% (the statistics here are pedestrian and cannot be used anywhere in class) of the women have confessed to have faked orgasms in order to impress the man.


4. To impress the man that she is feeling it too
Sometimes women know it is important to make a man feel like she is a part of the game. So she will scream just but to put the point across that she is enjoying too, not necessarily to impress the man. This more has to do with the chick feeling good even when the man is off the route completely.


All the above reasons demand that she screams. But most of the time they get it horribly wrong. Any man old enough can tell when she is faking it and it sucks. It irritates. It annoys.

Speaking of size, many men have encountered women who are well favoured down there that they can take in anything, yet they scream the most. Nothing puts off little John faster than moaning, screaming and calling names of sexual gods and demi-gods, when for all a man cares, he could be painting.


My roommate and his girlfriends
I once had this roommate. He could have been Turkana, Teso or Saboat. All I know, he was Nilotic and loved his sex. He had two girlfriends. One was white and the other from the village. It always behooved where he got the white chick. The white chick was quite shouty, take my word for it.


Often I had the feeling that she used to moan purposely to arouse me, but I have never been put off sexually than the way she used to do. Back then I was living in a semi-partitioned room in college. They used to assume that the walls were sound proof, much to my detriment.


Boy, either the man was a donkey down South, or the chick had watched too much porn. I have never witnessed live porn in my life. Her moaning was the irritating type, that most of the time I found myself seeking exile or SEXILE (to put it more appropriately) elsewhere. The fact that we never spoke with my roommate, I found him quite vain and we were never in the same intellectual sphere, didn’t help much. But that was the most punitive semester I ever underwent. The roommate left the country to a nondescript country in Europe, and most likely he is giving the whites the true African experience.


His chick from shags used to scream in mother tongue and I will save you the details, at least this blog is yet to sink that low.

Why women should not scream, unless…
Moaning ought to be real and natural. If you must, it is important to moderate and strangulate the voice as much as possible. Some shouting can scare a man into slumber. While we appreciate the efforts of massaging our egos, I take this opportunity to request that you remain real. It is not too much to ask.


PS:A much dirtier version of this piece by Machiavelli will be run in a different blog…check it out, if you feel like getting it juicier…



One thought on “Of screamers and SEXILES

  1. And how aboput the men?

    Ladies should be told experience, yeah experience has taught us to clearly distinguish between an honest moan or groan or whatever it is ladies do and one that is just ment to get to our ears. The moan is directly proportional to the size down south (… or is it east west? Blame my geography teacher)

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