If there is one call that any man who is not a father dreads most is the news that some girl somewhere has missed her periods and thinks that he can help her understand the situation.
First, I can’t remember the last time that was welcome news. It is the most ill-timed news existent in the world. Invariably for many a college boy, such a call happens when you have Kshs 333 in cash and about 217 in MPESA. Secondly it always coincides with some other parallel issue that is important but doesn’t have the urgency of the pregnancy news.
Anyway, for the men who sleep around inevitably, they must receive the call. There is so much sexual indiscretion among the newly graduated teenagers and even amongst adults. The call always comes like this…
SHE: Hey, how are you…(Unmistakably very low in tone, there is something foreboding about it.)
HE: Wassup Honey? You sound so low…what is going on…(Confidently but deep within the alarm bells are deafening..this might be a break up, or some really disturbing news)…
SHE: No, nothing much…I just don’t know but I was expecting to roll jana but it seems I have missed…
HE: (The man sees black if it is day time and white if at night…some little hesitation as he searches something relevant to say…he sweats) Are you sure, may be they are just irregular…But we used a CD?
SHE: (She sobs), That is what I thought, did it burst?(GENUINELY SURPRISED)
HE:I don’t think so, on that I’m pretty sure(more sobs can be heard on the other end).Well let us see how we can go about it. He hangs up first.
The man first curses the very act. Most of the time, it is one of those unnecessary encounters. I still hold this nonsensical assumption that we are all products of accidental sex. It could have been avoided. If he never used a condom, he will curse why he never strolled a few meters down the road and get the rubber. If it happened under the influence of alcohol… the foregone resolutions of quitting the bottle will spring in the mind out of nowhere.
Either way, action is required. Instant. Quick. Urgent. Creative. But there are few problems. Pregnancy news herald two things:One, it is a reassurance that the man does not fire blanks, which is the first known nightmare of manhood.
And secondly is the uncertainty surrounding the whole problem. You cannot be very sure that it is yours. Unless you are certain that your woman is 100% faithful, there is often sufficient alarm to be wary.
So a man eventually turns out to his boys but it turns out to be an exercise in futility since at the end he discovers that the phrase, ‘individual accountability’ was not invented for the judgment day…Judgment day comes out sooner that he expects. So he calls his closest friend and the joker offers this…
THE IMPREGNATOR: Maze naje, Deborah anadai ball…
THE BEST FRIEND: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH…..to infinity. (He hangs up…)
He calls the second best friend…
THE IMPREGNATOR: Maze Debz anadai ball…
FRIEND NO 2: Kwani hautumii CD “kwa huyo dame”, NOTE THE PUNCTUATION.
The second best friend is normally the voice of reason who does not tolerate stupid behavior like unprotected sex from his peers.
THE IMPREGNATOR: Acha ujinga, unaona ni do aje…
FRIEND NO 2: Sijui, lakini…(the impregnator hangs up).
He thinks of the third and remembers that Teddy was in the same situation a couple of months ago. So he dials Teddy. Teddy is mteja.
The girlfriend drops him a text confirming that in deed she is pregnant that is more of black mail than anything else. He is running out of patience. Options are limited. There are a few things to be assessed here. One, is the age of the woman. Secondly is what is at stake: her school or career. Third is the moral issue of abortion…To this we shall return.
He finally manages to call any other man who has ever been in the situation…Ooh, there is a Martin.
THE IMPREGNATOR: Maze, niko in shit, Debz anadai ball na hatra sina hata mkwanja…
MARTIN: Wacha…!!!(there is sufficient remorse, highly welcome)
MARTIN: Kwani kulienda aje buda?(some good concern…the impregnator can do with some listening chap).
The impregnator then spins a long yarn that involves him casting doubts whether he is the really culprit but reaffirms his consistence usage of the rubber. He then parts with a promise to leave the woman as soon as this business is conducted and seeks some loan…
The man runs berserk. Frantic. He must come with a plan…
What if he suggests an abortion and she is against it…He will be deemed as a beast and was only out to use her. What if she wants an abortion but he is against it…she will think the man insensitive and insensible of her plight.
He must carry his own cross. He is afraid of every single call but distantly hopes that may be it rolled. It doesn’t.
Nearly all my close friends have been there, done that. We shall talk about the latest case. Names are not necessary, let us get the story.
He is an addict of IT. Wherever he drinks, he must lay. He is reckless and I believe his libido should be a case study for some University. Boy, he has laid everything imaginable. He has no standards whatsoever and goes by the philosophy that whether hot or not, it doesn’t matter.
His latest catch was a young lady, a year shy of 20. He met her in some party in the company of either his cousin or one of our friends. They got on like a house on fire, to overuse the most overused phrase.
Now those familiar know something about familiarity, contempt, children and condom usage consistency. I think they got all too familiar for each other and he dropped the rubber. The following week the call came.
I have never seen a brother in so much pain. He was so broke and end month was like a million days away. Meanwhile she had to wait for about a month and half before the man could get some decent cash so as to run some decent abortion…(uh!).
The brother was hurting. She started developing those midnight urges of a cold coke or the smell of urine or anything incorrigible pregnant women are known to demand in the wee hours of the night. In the morning she was sick. And she stuck in my friend’s crib…Consequences of erection…
Anyway they settled for an abortion. It was successful. The kid is young. She is also fresh. Impossible to imagine that already she has killed an innocent,of course my friend is an accomplice here. I wonder by 30, how many she would have done.
As for men, we can abandon responsibility faster than you can say WAIT. Either way, shit happens. How you go about it really matters.
PS:To be continued.. I need me a lady to explain how they go about their stuff, when shit happens.As it is the case women are afraid of pregnancy than even HIV/AIDS